No one enters a relationship thinking, “I’d love to argue all the time.” Most people want love (even if they deny it), and crave a strong, safe partnership with someone who just “gets” them. And yet, disagreements and misunderstandings are inevitable. However, it’s how we respond in those moments that determines whether a relationship deepens or frays.

One of the most common but overlooked communication pitfalls is the “Tu Quoque fallacy,” sometimes called the “appeal to hypocrisy.” It’s that go-to defense mechanism where, instead of addressing an issue in the relationship, we retaliate with “Well, you do it too!” or “What about when you did this?” It may feel satisfying in the moment, even righteous, but it quietly chips away at your connection.

Here’s why it’s so easy to fall into its trap:

1. It deflects shame. Admitting fault or acknowledging how we hurt someone else requires vulnerability. It exposes us to judgment and a fear of rejection, which can make us defensive and pre-emptively lash out.

2. It feels fair. When both partners have made mistakes, it’s easy to think that pointing out hypocrisy restores balance or fairness.

3. It’s fast and instinctive. Our nervous system reacts quickly to perceived threats, especially in emotionally charged situations. A Tu Quoque response feels like an automatic defense in such cases.

4. It mirrors relational patterns learned in childhood. If you grew up in an environment where arguments were handled through blame, counterattack or dismissal, you may default to these tactics when conflict arises.

However, these short-term defenses carry long-term consequences. As discussed at length in John Gottman’s longitudinal studies on couples, defensiveness is one of the strongest predictors of relationship dissatisfaction and divorce. It blocks empathy, it escalates already conflictual situations between couples and hardly ever helps them resolve their issues.

Here are three ways this dynamic plays out in relationships. Each tactic may seem harmless, even justified. But over time, they form patterns that drive wedges between partners.

1. The Classic ‘You Do It Too!’ Defense

The Tu Quoque fallacy often looks like telling your partner that something they did hurt you, but instead of listening and understanding, they respond with, “Well, you do it too!” or “You’re not perfect yourself!” Everyone wants to protect themselves and the easiest way to do so is to quickly point fingers at the other person rather than admitting they made a mistake.

Interestingly though, research shows that people usually expect others to blame rather than take responsibility. For instance, when people see someone admit a mistake or own up to something, it surprises them. Relationally, this means that even when you assume responsibility for your actions, your partner might still automatically blame you because it’s what they’ve learned to expect growing up.

So, if your partner reacts by blaming you instinctively, it’s not always because they don’t care. However, it’s still an unhelpful response.

To navigate this without invalidating your own hurt, instead of firing back with another blaming statement, what helps is staying calm and saying something like: “I know I’ve made mistakes too, and I’m trying to work on them. Right now, I need you to hear how this makes me feel.” This way, you’re not attacking them, and you’re keeping the conversation focused on problem-solving and supporting each other.

This invites empathy, diverts the conversation toward healing rather than fault-finding and helps both partners challenge the automatic assumption that blame is the only way to respond. Over time, this approach helps shift expectations and build a stronger, more compassionate connection.

2. Weaponizing Past Mistakes

Another destructive blame tactic occurs when you bring up a current issue, such as a pressing household chore, and your partner responds by dragging past failures into the conversation: “You barely helped last month either! Don’t talk to me about responsibility.”

Initially, this may seem like a way to defend oneself, but it actually shifts the focus away from solving the present problem. Past grievances often resurface because the real hurt beneath those issues wasn’t addressed. This turns the discussion into a blame game rather than a productive conversation. Consequently, repeatedly dwelling on old mistakes increases emotional exhaustion and decreases relationship satisfaction.

This is where forgiveness can help. A wealth of research shows that forgiving a partner enhances relationship satisfaction by both increasing relational effort and reducing negative conflict.

In contrast, weaponizing past mistakes does the opposite; fueling conflict and discouraging future effort.

If you acknowledge past mistakes without letting them hijack the present, it allows partners to take responsibility while staying focused on constructive solutions.

To practice real, heartfelt forgiveness, try saying: “You’re right, I wasn’t as involved before, and I’m sorry for that. Let’s talk about how we can work together now to make things better.”

It’s a simple shift, but it goes a long way in reducing negativity in a conversation. It encourages both partners to work toward real change, rather than getting stuck in cycles of blame.

3. Normalizing The Behavior (‘Everyone Does It’)

A fairly typical blaming tactic involves minimizing a significant issue in the relationship. Like other instances of the Tu Quoque fallacy, it’s about shifting blame and avoiding feeling attacked. For instance, if you show discomfort or voice concerns about your boundaries, your partner might brush it off with a remark like, “Come on, everyone checks each other’s phones. Why are you making a mountain out of a molehill?”

Naturally, all this does is invalidate your experience. Minimizing your feelings by comparing them to what may be socially acceptable to others sends the message that your discomfort doesn’t matter, and that only dominant voices in the relationship get heard. This makes it harder to safely express your needs, because you don’t know how your partner would receive them.

Research on emotional invalidation shows us why this is so harmful. A 2024 study published in Anxiety, Stress, & Coping shows that when people feel emotionally dismissed, they experience lower positive emotions in the moment, heightened negative emotions (especially in social contexts) and even perceive daily stressors as more intense.

If your partner normalizes hurtful behavior at the expense of your feelings, it’s bound to trigger the same patterns of stress and negativity, chipping away at the very foundation of your connection over time.

A more constructive approach would be to clearly name your boundary without attacking your partner: “I understand that some couples might do it, but this makes me feel unsafe. I want us to build trust, and that means respecting each other’s privacy.”

This response validates your own emotions, counters the effects of invalidation and encourages a conversation that prioritizes trust and empathy rather than defensiveness.

5 Strategies That Actually Help Break The ‘Blame Loop’

To constructively manage periods of conflict, the goal shouldn’t be to “win” arguments, but to build resilience and effective repair mechanisms that strengthen your relationship. Here are five strategies you can use to do so:

1. Prioritize self-awareness. Before responding to your partner in a heated moment, take a breath and name your emotions (“I feel attacked,” “I’m scared of being misunderstood”) to prevent reactive patterns. Then, ask yourself:

• Am I reacting from fear or from the desire to solve this?

• Am I trying to defend myself or stay connected?

2. Listen, but also reflect. Reflective listening means repeating or summarizing what your partner said in your own words. For instance, “It sounds like you feel alone when I’m not there. Is that right?” This not only validates their emotions but also slows down the argument so both people can feel heard.

3. Avoid blaming language. Throw away the convenient “you always…” language and swap it out with “I feel” statements. Instead of, “You never keep your promises!” frame your feelings around your experience: “I feel hurt when plans are canceled at the last minute.” This approach reduces defensiveness and invites collaboration.

4. Name the pattern clearly. You can always choose to gently bring attention to disruptive blaming patterns: “I think we’re starting to go down the ‘you do it too’ path. Let’s pause and stay with what’s happening right now.”

5. Stay focused on repair. Repair attempts, such as apologies and reassurance are very important to implement in a conflict, as soon as possible. Even small attempts at repair, such as holding hands, making eye contact and saying “I’m sorry I got defensive” can rebuild the trust between you.

Tu Quoque tactics are common because they speak to a deep human need to protect ourselves from shame, and to not feel like we’re alone in our imperfections. But in relationships, falling into this trap repeatedly sends the opposite message: “You’re not safe here; you have to defend yourself.”

So, the next time you feel the urge to say, “You do it too!” ask yourself, “What is my partner really asking for? Can I meet them with compassion instead of defensiveness?” That little shift could do wonders for your relationship.

Do you and your partner resolve conflict constructively, or do blame games get in the way? Take the science-backed Ineffective Arguing Inventory to find out.

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.