3 Signs Your Partner Is 'Securely Attached'
There's a stark difference between partners who are anxiously, avoidantly and securely attached. Here's how to tell if your partner is secure.
By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | March 17, 2025
True love shouldn't feel like walking on eggshells. It shouldn't feel like a constant test of loyalty, a game of guessing what's really on your partner's mind, nor a balancing act between feeling close and giving space. Instead, at its best, love should feel safe.
This sense of safety (or lack thereof) is usually the product of one's attachment style. Those with a secure attachment style bring a pervasive sense of trust, emotional maturity and stability to their relationships—something that can feel quite refreshing if you've consistently been with people who struggle with high levels of insecurity.
If you've ever wondered whether your partner comes from such a secure space, here are three key signs that they do.
1. They're Okay With Missing You
From a psychological standpoint, secure attachment is built on trust. As classic research from the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology suggests, securely attached individuals are far more trusting of their partners than others. They understand that relationships don't require permanent proximity to remain strong and view their partner's social life as separate from their own, without feeling threatened by it.
For instance, say you've been looking forward to a night out with your friends all week. You and your partner have spent plenty of time together—but tonight, you just want to kick back and enjoy yourself.
An anxiously attached partner might bombard you with texts throughout the night—asking when you're coming home or worrying that you're having too much fun without them. They might say something like, "I just don't get why you want to go without me," or "Are you sure you won't forget about me while you're out?"
On the other hand, an avoidantly attached partner might pretend they don't care at all, but later, you notice they're cold and withdrawn. Instead of admitting they missed you, they might act distant—almost as if they're punishing you for enjoying yourself.
However, all that a securely attached partner would say is, "Have a great time! Send me a picture if you guys do something fun. I can't wait to hear all about it when you get home."
That's it. No guilt-tripping, no last-minute attempts to change your mind, no silent treatment later on. Simply put, a secure partner feels safe and trusting enough to go a few hours without you. They have no problem with missing you because they remember that no matter how much fun you have without them, they'll always be the one you return home to.
This security extends beyond nights out with friends. It means they trust you when you travel for work, when you take on new personal projects and when you build new friendships outside of the relationship.
They don't view your independence as a threat; instead, they know it as a sign of a healthy, balanced partnership. And when you return home, they welcome you with open arms—never suspicion.
2. They Excel At Communicating Effectively
Picture yourself on a particularly rough day. Something at work upset you, and you're quieter than usual. An anxiously attached partner might keep asking what's wrong—even when you say you're not ready to talk.
If you stay quiet, they might assume they've done something wrong and start spiraling, asking, "Is it me? Did I say something? Are you mad at me?" Before you know it, you're managing their emotions instead of your own.
An avoidantly attached partner, on the other hand, might register that something is off, but they won't really do anything about it. They might avoid eye contact, leave the room or pretend not to notice your distress.
They figure, "If they want to talk, they'll say something," completely disregarding the importance of emotional attunement. If they make any attempt at all, it'd likely be a half-hearted "You okay?", which they drop as soon as you say "I'm fine" or "I don't want to talk about it."
In contrast, a securely attached partner notices that this situation isn't necessarily about them and recognizes the need for tact. Instead, they say, "Hey, I can tell that you're out of sorts today. I want to be there for you, but I can't if I don't know what's wrong. When you're ready, let's talk about it together?"
Their tone is warm and open, and there's no pressure. If you say yes, they listen attentively; if you say no, they respect your space but remind you they're there if you change your mind.
This respectful yet attentive nature is one of the most rewarding results of a secure attachment style—namely, according to 2015 research from Frontiers in Psychology, emotional availability.
In theory, this refers to the ability to be open and willing to work towards maintaining a healthy emotional connection. And in practice, this means that emotionally available partners don't shy away from emotional depth. They're unafraid of tough conversations and don't rely on mind games or passive-aggressive hints. Instead, they communicate with directness and care.
This kind of emotional security is a holy grail in partnerships. It means fewer misunderstandings, fewer "cold wars" and fewer moments where you feel like you're talking to a brick wall. Instead, you feel truly seen and heard—even when you're not saying anything.
Secure partners read between the lines when they need to, and listen actively when there's something they need to hear.
3. They Don't Make Conflict Dramatic
Psychologists have long observed that secure individuals handle conflict in a way that strengthens relationships rather than weakening them. As research from The American Journal of Family Therapy demonstrates, securely attached partners are experts in verbal engagement, self-disclosure and open-ended discussions.
In other words, they view disagreements or conflict as an opportunity to gain invaluable understanding of their partner—not as something that threatens the entire relationship.
For example, say you have to bring up something that's bothering you. Perhaps your partner said something—a joke or a fleeting statement—that inadvertently hit an exposed nerve, hurting your feelings. You sit them down and say, "Hey, I just wanted to talk about something. When you said that thing earlier, it really hurt my feelings."
An anxiously attached partner will likely over-apologize to the point that you'll end up comforting them. "Oh my God, I'm the worst! I always mess up! Do you even love me anymore?" By the end, you realize the whole conversation was about their fears of abandonment—and your feelings are still very much unaddressed.
An avoidantly attached partner, conversely, would probably respond defensively, saying, "You're overreacting. It was just a joke. Why are you making such a big deal out of this?" They shut down the conversation before it even begins, which only serves to make you feel as though your hurt is unjustified.
In comparison, a securely attached partner would never roll their eyes, turn it into an argument or immediately try to make it about themselves. Instead, they listen until you've finished explaining your side.
Only once you're done would they say something along the lines of, "Wow, I didn't realize that came off that way—but after hearing your perspective, I totally understand why you'd be upset. I'm really sorry, and thank you for telling me."
Once the serious part of the conversation is over, they might even use humor or affection as a form of an olive branch. There's no bitterness or resentment—only the desire to reconnect and move forward.
They never resort to childish silent treatments, and they won't start explosive fights over minor issues. Moreover, neither of you feel like you're walking on eggshells to avoid triggering one another. Instead, problems are addressed, solutions are found—and, most importantly, both of you walk away feeling understood and stronger than where you started.
Do you feel as securely attached to your partner as they do to you? Take this science-backed test to learn more: Relationship Satisfaction Scale
A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.