3 Signs That You're Prone To 'Shelaborating'

You've likely heard of 'mansplaining,' but have you ever heard of 'shelaborating'? Here's what it entails.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | March 13, 2025

You've likely heard of "mansplaining"—when someone (typically a man) explains something with unwarranted confidence, often assuming the listener knows less. In contrast, "shelaborating" is a term gaining traction on social media, which describes the tendency to over-explain and provide excessive details, or elaborate far beyond what was asked. Though this concept is widely being linked to women, anyone can shelaborate—just as anyone can mansplain.

At their core, both mansplaining and shelaborating involve communication mismatches, but they stem from different social and psychological forces.

In the book Women, Men and Language: A Sociolinguistic Account of Gender Differences in Language, author Jennifer Coates provides multiple explanations for why women and men communicate in the different ways that they do. These reasons are rooted in socialization, cultural expectations, power dynamics and psychological motives.

Socialisation And Early Gendered Communication Training

From childhood, boys and girls are socialized into different communicative patterns. Coates, building on research by Deborah Tannen and Robin Lakoff, argues that young girls are encouraged to be expressive and cooperative in conversation while young boys are encouraged to be assertive and competitive.

Play patterns also reinforce gendered communication styles:

• Encouraged methods for girls' play (for instance playing with dolls or role-playing games) often involves discussion, cooperation and maintaining group harmony. They learn to use language as a tool for connection.
• Encouraged methods for boys' play (such as competitive sports or action-oriented games) is often about achieving goals, status or dominance. They learn to use language as a tool for assertion and leadership.

These patterns shape adult communication, where women naturally engage in more detailed, empathetic and cooperative speech. Women's tendency to elaborate stems from a lifelong habit of using conversation as a way to build relationships and create social cohesion, rather than to assert dominance.

Both mansplaining and shelaborating behaviors can be linked to early gendered communication training—where boys are encouraged to be assertive and direct, while girls are encouraged to be detailed and accommodating in conversation.

Based on Coates' research in the book, here are three reasons why you might be shelaborating.

1. You Shelaborate To Be More Accommodating

You may find yourself overexplaining as a way to maintain harmony, ensure clarity, soften your message or avoid the risk of sounding too direct or confrontational.

From a young age, women are more likely encouraged to be polite and non-threatening in communication. This can often lead them to the use of hedging ("I think this might work"), qualifiers ("It's kind of important that we do this"), excessive explanation to justify their points before they are challenged and tag questions ("This makes sense, right?") to seek validation and avoid seeming too forceful.

While this communication style helps build collaboration and emotional connection, it can also make you appear less confident or authoritative, especially in professional settings.

Overexplaining can weaken your message, as listeners—especially those accustomed to more direct styles—might perceive the extra detail as unnecessary or uncertain. This can add to interruptions, dismissals or your ideas not being taken as seriously as they should be.

To shift this, practice more direct speech by stating your points clearly and concisely. Swap hedging for confidence ("This will work" instead of "I think this could work"), and get comfortable with silence instead of feeling the need to fill the gaps with explanation.

Recognizing when overexplaining is a habit rather than a necessity allows you to refine your communication without losing the warmth and connection that make your voice unique.

2. You Shelaborate To Establish Credibility

You likely would've noticed that in many settings, women feel the need to give more background, justify their points or explain their reasoning in detail—and that is not by accident.

Historically, women have been given less authority in communication and have fought to be heard, which has led to a pattern of overexplaining to compensate for being taken less seriously.

In workplaces, especially in male-dominated environments, you may find yourself overexplaining to preempt challenges or skepticism. This is often a response to unconscious biases that cause women's ideas to be questioned more frequently than men's.

By providing excessive detail upfront, you may feel like you are proving your competence or avoiding interruptions—but in reality, it can make your message seem less confident and authoritative.

To break this cycle, recognize that your ideas are valid without excessive justification. Instead of anticipating objections before they arise, state your points clearly and directly. If challenged, you can elaborate when necessary, but you don't need to overexplain as a default. Trust that your expertise speaks for itself.

3. You Shelaborate Because Of The 'Mental Load'

A 2021 study published in Community, Work & Family explores the concept of the "mental load"within families and society. The mental load—a combination of cognitive and emotional labor—has been recognized as "invisible, boundaryless and enduring," particularly in caregiving contexts.

The study highlights how managing responsibilities related to loved ones extends into work, leisure and even sleep hours, making it an ever-present, exhausting force in daily life.

This constant need to anticipate, plan and ensure harmony might be shaping how you communicate. Overexplaining may become a way to preempt misunderstandings, justify decisions to avoid conflict and maintain balance in social interactions.

Since emotional labor often lacks clear boundaries, the habit of providing extensive context and reassurance can extend across both personal and professional settings. Over time, this pattern of overexplaining as a coping mechanism can become deeply ingrained, making it difficult to distinguish between necessary clarity and emotional cushioning.

Developing communication boundaries can help shift this dynamic. Practice being more concise with your message and try resisting the urge to preemptively justify. This also means allowing space for follow-up questions which would ease the habit of overexplaining.

Additionally, redistributing mental labor within families and workplaces—through open conversations about shared responsibilities—can reduce the pressure to compensate for assumed gaps in understanding.

Finding Balance In Communication

Shelaborating is not inherently negative—ensuring clarity and fostering connection are valuable communication strengths. However, overexplaining can sometimes disrupt conversations or lead to mental fatigue. The key is balance: expressing yourself clearly without diminishing your confidence or overburdening the listener with unnecessary details.

For speakers, recognizing when overexplaining is a habit rather than a necessity can help refine communication. For listeners, patience and awareness are crucial. Instead of interrupting or dismissing excessive detail, consider why the speaker might feel the need to overexplain. A supportive approach—recognizing their point, encouraging directness and providing reassurance where needed—can foster more balanced interactions.

Ultimately, there may be many individualistic reasons you shelaborate, whether shaped by socialization, past experiences or personal tendencies. The most important step is awareness—understanding why you communicate the way you do and adapting your style when necessary.

Different situations call for different communication approaches and learning to adjust accordingly can lead to more meaningful and effective conversations, as well as feeling personally empowered to be yourself, without justification.

Take this science-backed test to see if you're a good listener—an essential skill for effective communication: Active-Empathic Listening Scale

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.