Do You Struggle With An Insecure Attachment Style? The Choice Is Yours To Change It

Research shows that if your attachment style is rocking your relationship boat, there's no reason you can't reprogram it yourself. Here's three ways you can.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | February 14, 2024

A 2023 review article published in Social and Personality Psychology Compass examined how individuals can develop a more secure attachment style throughout their lifespan, dismantling the idea that we are doomed to relive the same relationship over and over again.

According to attachment theory, developed and studied by psychologists John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, an attachment style refers to the way individuals relate to others in close relationships. The researchers explain that attachment styles are shaped by early experiences with caregivers and play a significant role in influencing how individuals approach and navigate relationships throughout their lives. Here are the four primary attachment styles:

• Secure Attachment. Individuals with a secure attachment style generally feel comfortable with emotional intimacy and are confident in their relationships. They trust their caregivers as children and are capable of forming healthy connections with others as adults. They are able to balance a sense of autonomy and interpersonal closeness, communicate effectively and seek and provide support in their relationships.
• Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment. Those with anxious-preoccupied attachments often desire high levels of closeness and worry about the possibility of abandonment. They may be overly dependent on their partners, seek constant reassurance or experience heightened anxiety in relationships.
• Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment. Individuals with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style tend to downplay the importance of emotional intimacy and prioritize their independence. They may avoid getting too emotionally involved in relationships, value self-reliance and find it challenging to open up to others.
• Fearful-Avoidant Attachment. Also known as disorganized attachment, this attachment style combines both anxious and avoidant tendencies. People with a fearful-avoidant attachment style may desire closeness but fear rejection or abandonment, leading to internal conflicts and difficulties in forming stable, trusting relationships.

Attachment styles are not fixed or static. Understanding one's attachment style can provide valuable insights into relationship patterns and help individuals work towards healthier and more fulfilling connections with others.

Here are three reasons why attachment styles can evolve over time, according to research.

1. Growing Through Relationships

Researchers suggest that although early life experiences largely shape our attachment styles, their influence wanes over time, with newer relationship experiences and milestones. Individuals tend to take on social roles requiring commitment and responsibility as they mature, which helps them gravitate toward a more secure attachment style.

The researchers write, "Becoming a romantic partner is accompanied by many additional expectations that might alter behavior, such as taking other people's perspectives and needs into account, sacrificing one's needs and desires for others' and being an attentive, responsive partner. On average, people are rewarded by rising to these expectations."

Experiencing a safe and trusting relationship can also heal anxious and avoidant tendencies. Research shows that frequent positive relationship events contribute to increased attachment security among individuals with avoidant attachment tendencies. Being completely present with each other, expressing gratitude about shared experiences and excitement about the future of the relationship contribute to reducing both attachment avoidance and anxiety over time.

Additionally, research shows that shifts in attachment patterns in one partner also correspondingly influence the other. Remarkably, individuals with more secure attachment styles tend to foster environments conducive to security, positively impacting their partners.

Researchers also recommend using "soft" strategies to communicate with avoidantly attached partners. These involve honoring their autonomy, conveying trustworthiness and confidence in them and acknowledging their sacrifices in relationships. On the other hand, anxiously attached individuals benefit from partners who consistently express commitment, affection and support.

2. Finding Security Through Life Transitions

Research highlights how individuals can develop a sense of security through life's transitions. As individuals pursue and achieve personal goals, they gain a sense of autonomy and heightened self-assurance which alleviates attachment anxiety.

Researchers suggest that an individual's self-perception plays a vital role in shaping their attachment style and life events can shape and alter one's sense of self. Individuals who feel competent, build confidence in their ability to achieve life goals and take on important responsibilities during transitions such as parenthood, report higher levels of attachment security.

Further, life events such as health scares, moving to a new city or spiritual awakenings can provide individuals with perspective on their bonds with others and the changes they want to make in their lives.

3. Choosing To Change

An important factor facilitating shifts in attachment style is personal growth stemming from an inner drive to create change in one's life and become more secure. Put simply, people can change their attachment styles because they want to. A 2020 study found that individuals often desire to be less consumed by their fears of rejection and abandonment and strive to align their actions to their ideal selves, who are more secure.

Wanting to change one's attachment style begins with understanding what one's ideal relationship looks like and engaging in deep self-reflection about their current circumstances and behaviors in relationships.

No matter what one's attachment style is, it is important to be self-compassionate and non-judgmental about these patterns, while aiming to be more authentic about one's true values and desires.

Conclusion

Attachment styles are not rigid labels one cannot escape. Rather, they are insightful frameworks that can fuel self-reflection and encourage healthier relationship behaviors. Alongside external influences such as experiencing safe, loving relationships and transformative life events, one cannot underestimate the power of creating positive change of one's own volition. After all, secure attachments are not just about healthier bonds with others, but also about establishing a loving relationship with oneself.

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.