3 Things We Can Learn From Netflix's 'Gabby Petito' Documentary

Self-blame is unfortunately common amongst victims of abuse. Here's how 'American Murder; Gabby Petito' teaches us this.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | March 13, 2025

By now, many of us have watched the heartbreaking documentary about Gabby Petito's infamous murder. Netflix's docuseries American Murder: Gabby Petito tells the devastating tale of "vanlifer" Gabby Petito and her turbulent relationship with her fiancé at the time, Brian Laundrie.

The documentary offers a chilling behind-the-scenes look into the emotional and physical abuse Gabby endured at the hands of her partner—abuse that ultimately led to her tragic death.

As the story unfolds, viewers witness the alarming red flags in Brian's behavior, warning signs that, in hindsight, hint at the danger he posed. However, one of the most unsettling themes, revealed through the testimonies of Gabby's friends and family, is her persistent self-blame.

Unfortunately, such self-blame is a common coping response for victims of abuse. Victims do this for many reasons, including the deeply held belief that the person they choose as a partner must be, at their core, a good person. These beliefs can lead to self-doubt and, ultimately, self-blame for the actions their partner is taking against them.

Recognizing when you or someone you love makes excuses for unacceptable behavior could be the difference between life and death. Understanding that no one is ever to blame for their abuser's actions but their abuser is a crucial step in helping them escape life-threatening situations.

Here are three things the Gabby Petito documentary can help us understand about being trapped in abusive relationships.

1. Cognitive Dissonance—Justifying The Unjustifiable

In the documentary, Gabby's long-time friend explains how she recognized that Brian was manipulative and controlling, which Gabby began to recognize but may not have initially admitted to.

What's also deeply worrying is that Gabby mentions in her journal how she "did not deserve him" and even indicated at times that she was somehow the problem in their relationship.

This is known as cognitive dissonance. It's clear that Gabby, like so many other victims, was unable to reconcile Brian's abusive behavior with the positive image she had of him in her mind, meaning the only rational solution was to blame herself for the way he was acting. Cognitive dissonance also helps victims justify their relationship both to themselves and other people.

A 2018 study published in the International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health explains this mental state. "Victims must reconcile the dissonance associated with being in what should be a loving and supportive relationship, while being in the same relationship that is personally and deeply harmful," the researchers write.

"To manage these clashing cognitions, victims consciously and unconsciously adopt perceptions to reframe their partner's aggression, minimizing and reinterpreting the occurrence or impact of aggressive acts, and justifying remaining in their relationship," the researchers add.

It's essential to remember that Gabby was in no way responsible for what she was enduring. Like many types of dissociative mental states, cognitive dissonance is a coping skill that can help victims who are unable to end abusive relationships. This mental state can dissipate as the abuse escalates, however, sometimes—like in Gabby's case—this happens too late.

2. The 'Hysterical Woman' Stereotype—Why 'Emotional' Women Are Often Dismissed

During their travels, police officers stopped Gabby and Brian after someone witnessed a physical altercation between the two. Police body cam footage shows that when the two are questioned separately, Gabby is visibly shaken and upset, while Brian manages to keep his cool throughout the encounter.

While both parties agree to tell police that Gabby was the "aggressor" in the argument, it's clear that her emotional state is misunderstood. By the end of the conversation, police are unable to perceive her as the victim, while Brain's calm and lighthearted demeanor seems to gain him more sympathy.

Watching this scenario in real time can help us understand the unconscious gender bias that persists in society today. Society often dismisses the issues of women who show intense emotion. A 2022 study published in Psychology of Women Quarterly shows that women are often undermined for showing open expressions of emotion.

People often view emotion and rationality as mutually exclusive, leading to the assumption that someone—especially a woman—who expresses strong emotion must be acting irrationally. This stereotype makes it easier to dismiss their perspective and can be weaponized to gaslight them into believing they are the problem for simply reacting.

A striking example of this played out when police stopped Gabby after her fight with Brian, where her visible distress overshadowed the real danger she was in. As a result of her emotions being overlooked, Gabby took the blame for the altercation even though she obviously needed help.

3. Coercive Control—More Than Physical Abuse

Gabby's story is a perfect example of the fact that often, abuse is mental long before it becomes physical. Text messages between the two show how Gabby would have to cater to Brian's needs and feel like she had fallen short when he was not pleased with her behavior. He openly judged her career and life choices, sought control over her time and whereabouts and completely isolated her from her loved ones.

Resources from the Centre for Research & Education on Violence Against Women & Children highlight how abusers use such coercive control tactics, including gaslighting, to keep their victims under their control. This makes victims feel trapped and powerless in such dynamics, making it hard to leave, despite wanting to.

By shifting blame onto their victims, perpetrators continue their harmful behavior while disguising themselves as the wronged party. Tragically, this cycle of blame and control had fatal consequences for Gabby.

If there's one lesson we can take away from this tragedy, it's the importance of recognizing the warning signs, both in our own relationships and in those of the people we love. No one should ever feel responsible for their partner's harmful behavior, and no one deserves to suffer in silence.

By creating awareness, believing survivors and offering support without judgment, we can help create a world where fewer people feel alone in their pain—and where more people feel empowered to leave before it's too late.

Do you feel safe and fulfilled in your own relationship? Take this science-backed test to learn more: Relationship Satisfaction Scale

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.