3 Signs 'Desensitization Bias' Is Impairing Your Relationship
Have you become 'desensitized' to your partner's needs and presence in your relationship? Here's how to tell.
By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | April 18, 2025
Desensitization bias occurs when we become so accustomed to something that it no longer impacts us as it once did. A common example is media exposure — where repeatedly seeing violent news or dramatic headlines gradually dulls our emotional response over time.
We can also show this bias in relationships. Especially in the long-term, we might start taking our partner's feelings, needs or emotional cues for granted. The little things that once made us feel deeply connected — like thoughtful gestures, affectionate words or even shared frustrations — can start to feel routine or unimportant. Over time, this can lead to misunderstandings, emotional distance and disconnection.
Here are three ways desensitization bias can affect relationships.
1. You Take Expressions Of Love For Granted
Over time, saying "I love you" can start to feel like just another habit, making some partners believe it's no longer needed. But no matter how long you've been together, hearing those words — or feeling appreciated in other ways — still matters. Small affirmations of love and gratitude help keep the emotional connection alive.
Research published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology on gratitude and relationship maintenance shows that when people feel appreciated by their partners, they tend to appreciate them more in return. This creates a positive feedback loop where both partners feel valued and, in turn, become more responsive and committed to each other.
By continuing to express love — whether through words, gestures or small acts of kindness — couples reinforce their bond and prevent emotional distance. However, failing to acknowledge or verbalize love can gradually weaken intimacy.
2. You Become Desensitized To The Nuances Of Physical Intimacy
A 2021 study published in The Journal of Sex Research found that people generally expect sex with a romantic partner to bring both pleasure and emotional closeness. But in reality, partners don't always experience intimacy the same way. Men — especially college students — tend to have much higher expectations of orgasm compared to women.
These differing expectations can also influence how partners perceive each other's experiences. For instance, if one partner has engaged in a particular act frequently, they may assume their partner feels just as comfortable or unimpressed by it.
This can lead to underestimating the excitement or discomfort a less experienced partner might feel. Similarly, a sexually experienced partner may not fully grasp the emotional weight or nervousness a partner feels during their first time — whether it's their first sexual experience, trying something new or being vulnerable in a new way.
Frequent exposure to explicit content can also shape unrealistic expectations, leading someone to assume their partner should be just as open, uninhibited or eager about certain acts. This can result in disregarding their partner's true emotions and comfort level.
In fact, a 2016 study published in Behavioral Sciences suggests that online pornography use can lead to neuroadaptations in the brain's reward system, contributing to sexual dysfunction and compulsive behavior. Men who consume pornography excessively may experience issues such as erectile dysfunction or low libido with real-life partners, increased cravings for pornography and seek escalation to more extreme or novel content.
These effects may be particularly pronounced in younger users, as early exposure to pornography during critical developmental periods can shape long-term sexual preferences and responses, further reinforcing unrealistic expectations in intimate relationships.
Over time, long-term couples may also become desensitized to the significance of physical touch, focusing more on routine intimacy rather than the small, affectionate gestures — like handholding, kissing or cuddling — that help maintain emotional connection. This gradual shift can make it easy to overlook the deeper emotional aspects of physical closeness, which are just as essential for sustaining intimacy.
3. You Assume A Decline In Passion Is Normal
Many couples assume that fading passion is just a natural part of long-term relationships. Over time, they may put in less effort, believing that their sense of intimacy is bound to dwindle. But while one partner might accept this as normal, the other may still crave excitement, leading to frustration or dissatisfaction.
A 2016 study published in The Journal of Sex Research challenges the idea that passion inevitably fades. Researchers found that while sexual frequency often declines over time, satisfaction doesn't have to. Nearly two-thirds of satisfied participants said their sex life remained as passionate as in the early days, and over a third described their most recent sexual experience as "passionate."
What made the difference? Emotional connection — acts like hugging, cuddling and saying "I love you" — helped couples maintain intimacy even as their relationships matured. More than a third of women and over a quarter of men said they actually felt more emotionally connected during sex now than when they first got together.
Another key factor in long-term satisfaction is confidence — both in oneself and in the relationship. A partner who feels comfortable in their own body or sexual performance may not always realize their partner is struggling with insecurities. Whether it's body image concerns, anxiety about performance or self-doubt, these unspoken worries can quietly chip away at intimacy.
The same study found that women, in particular, reported significant improvements over time in areas like lower inhibition, more orgasms and stronger emotional connections, suggesting that as they grew more confident, their satisfaction increased.
Desensitization bias can lead to emotional disconnects, making partners less attuned to each other's evolving needs and desires. However, whether physical or emotional, passion doesn't have to fade with time. When couples nurture emotional intimacy, communicate openly and create a space where both partners feel secure and desired, they can sustain a deep and fulfilling connection for years to come.
Wondering if your relationship is truly fulfilling? Take this science-backed test to find out: Relationship Satisfaction Scale
A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.