4 Questions Most People Ask When Searching For Love

Believe it or not, most people have a 'screening process' when looking for a potential partner. More often than not, however, it's subconscious. Here's how it works.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | April 15, 2025

When it comes to dating, most individuals don't just hope to be chosen — they actively craft themselves to be. A 2021 study published in Evolutionary Psychology found that many people use strategic self-presentation techniques to become more attractive to potential partners. These range from enhancing physical appearance to showcasing intelligence, kindness and even carefully curated social media posts. In many ways, dating today involves both connection and presentation.

But beneath the selfies, shared playlists and polished first impressions lies a deeper, more subconscious process. As dating moves from casual texts to deeper emotional investment, people begin to ask themselves important internal questions, often without realizing it. Some are obvious, while others emerge more subtly over time. Yet, all of them shape the course of a relationship.

Here are four key questions your mind may be evaluating — often without your awareness — to determine if you're dating the right person.

1. 'Do They Like Me Back?'

For many, the earliest experiences of attraction are formative. Some are fortunate to have their feelings returned, while others carry the weight of a one-sided crush, sometimes for years, without ever finding the moment or courage to express it. And for those who do, that first act of vulnerability, often in adolescence, becomes a defining experience. Whether it ends in mutual affection or rejection, it sets the tone for how one approaches romantic risk in the future.

Early rejections, especially when intense emotional investment is unrequited, can leave lasting emotional imprints. As a result, reciprocity becomes the first — and often most important — signal people look for in early dating.

Research published in the European Journal of Social Psychology provides insight into why we're drawn to those who show interest in us. The findings suggest that when someone expresses romantic attraction, it's not just the affection itself that influences us, but the "benevolent intentions" we perceive behind it. In other words, we don't just ask "Do they like me?" but "Do they have good intentions toward me?"

The authors of the study found that this perceived goodwill plays a key role in both emotional and behavioral reciprocity. People are more likely to return feelings when they believe the other person genuinely cares — not just when they're being admired. This aligns with what many learn from early relational experiences: emotional safety matters as much as interest.

2. 'Are They Like Me?'

Once mutual interest is established, many people begin scanning for something deeper: familiarity. We ask ourselves, often without realizing it, "Do they like what I like? Can I talk to them about the things that matter to me? Will they understand not just the details but the weight of what I'm saying?"

Sometimes, this search for similarity is reflected in seeking shared emotional history. People who've grown up with difficult family dynamics, emotional neglect or trauma may find comfort in someone who has walked a similar path. There's a quiet understanding in shared pain — no need to over-explain, no fear of being too much for the other person.

But, similarity isn't just about shared struggle — it's also about shared passion. There's a different kind of safety, even joy, in being able to talk about your work, your art, your ambitions and know that the other person "gets" it. Two people in the same field, for instance, may understand the pressures, the victories and the sacrifices that come with pursuing something meaningful. In these moments, connection isn't about commiseration, but about resonance.

This desire for alignment is supported by a 2017 study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. The researchers found that individuals tend to form relationships with those who are similar to them in terms of personality, interests, values and behavior.

It was also found that perceived similarity is most important at the start of a relationship, driven by a subconscious process of "niche construction" — seeking people who naturally fit within one's worldview.

Whether it's shared experiences or shared ambitions, similarity creates a sense of ease and belonging. Consequently, potential couples think, "You don't just hear me — you've lived this too," which brings them closer.

3. 'Can I Be Myself Around Them?'

At some point in dating, the carefully constructed façade drops. Polished answers give way to real opinions, curated texts are replaced by spontaneous thoughts and subtle self-censorship is tested by the need to be honest. This is where many start really asking: "Can I talk about the things I usually hide — the flaws I criticize in myself or the past I rarely speak of? Will they walk away when I tell them — or stay?"

Most people don't reveal the most fragile parts of themselves early on. But with each layer shed, and each small emotional risk taken, this question returns in subtler forms. Many hope to be known in ways no one has ever known them and to hear, perhaps for the first time, "I see you, and I'm still here."

A 2013 study published in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology found that perceiving a romantic partner as authentic — meaning their behavior is genuine, internally motivated and free from manipulation — is strongly associated with greater trust, relationship satisfaction and emotional commitment.

The study suggests that this perception alone, even independent of the partner's actual behavior, encourages people to adopt connectedness goals rather than self-protection. In other words, when people believe their partner is being real with them, they feel safer being themselves too.

These findings highlight why the question "Can I be myself around them?" doesn't just reflect a need for comfort, but a deeper search for psychological safety, which sets the foundation for intimacy and long-term connection.

4. 'Will They Grow With Me — Or Hold Me Back?'

For those who value personal growth, career ambition or healing from past wounds, this stage carries particular weight. You begin noticing how the other person handles challenges, whether they support your goals and if they have the emotional maturity to grow alongside you. It's not just about having shared dreams, but about building shared momentum.

A 2021 study published in the Journal of Vocational Behavior found that people are more likely to reach their career goals when they are in a close romantic relationship and when their partner shares those goals. This can expand their "shared pool of resources" — such as time, energy and emotional support — which in turn enhances goal pursuit and personal success.

The study also emphasized that goal coordination is critical. When partners pursue conflicting or unaligned goals without collaboration, tensions around time, energy and sacrifice tend to build up. One partner may even end up delaying or abandoning their ambitions altogether.

This is when your mind starts assessing the long-term viability of the connection. It's no longer just about how someone makes you feel, but about whether your future paths can run parallel. The question becomes: "Can I tell them about the life I want to build? Do our goals align — or will one of us need to shrink so the other can grow?"

Dating and relationships are rarely straightforward. However, it seems that long before we make conscious decisions, our minds are already evaluating what feels safe, aligned and worth investing in.

Curious how your own relationship aligns with these questions? Try this science-backed test to gain clarity: Relationship Satisfaction Scale

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.