A Psychologist's Guide To Cultivating Complementary Love Languages

Mismatched love languages only become a problem when partners don't make an effort.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | January 21, 2024

From grand gestures to the little things that never go unnoticed, lovers maintain different ways of making their affection known to each other.

Some may opt for showing their love physically, while others may let their actions speak for them. Many may choose to spoil their partner materially, and others may choose to profess their love out loud. These different techniques are what are known as “love languages,” and they refer to the way we prefer to show and receive love in our relationships.

But what happens when these preferences mismatch? While it can’t be guaranteed that partners will want to give and receive love in the same ways, research shows that love languages can be translated to meet both partners’ needs. 

Why Are Love Languages So Important?

In his best-selling 1995 self-help novel, Gary Chapman outlined five primary love languages that people may have—namely words of affirmation, physical touch, quality time, acts of service and gifts—all referring to different ways partners prefer to express and receive affection.

Along with outlining these different love languages, Chapman proposed that those who express their feelings toward their partner in a way that is congruent with their partner’s love language—and vice versa—enjoy a relationship of greater quality.

Chapman’s hypotheses regarding love languages and relationship quality have since been confirmed through various research studies. One such study, published in PLOS ONE, found that partners that shared the same love language enjoyed both greater relationship and sexual satisfaction.

While it is not always the case that partners will share the same primary love language, couples who still vie to be attentive to each other’s expressed needs and desires can enjoy a loving and fulfilling relationship. When love languages mismatch, a little extra effort may be needed to translate their love to one another.

How To Translate Your “Love Language”

Research shows that when love languages misalign, translating how you perceive and relate to each other through self-regulation becomes paramount. So, begin your translation journey with an open discussion regarding both of your needs and desires. Each person has their unique way of expressing and receiving love, and being able to translate love languages is a beautiful way to connect on a deeper level. 

If you enjoy words of affirmation, and your partner prefers:

• Acts of service. After expressing gratitude for your partner’s specific actions, return the favor to reciprocate the love.
• Quality time. Use affirming words during your time together, sharing compliments and open communication for meaningful quality time.
• Gifts. Accompany your gift with a heartfelt note expressing your feelings and the gift’s significance.
• Physical touch. Combine kind words with a gentle touch to make your partner feel truly adored.

If you enjoy acts of service, and your partner prefers:

• Words of affirmation. Verbalize gratitude for your partner’s acts of service, expressing the positive impact on your life.
• Quality time. Dedicate time to activities your partner values, showcasing your investment in the relationship.
• Physical touch. Use physical touch to express gratitude for acts of service, conveying appreciation through hugs or kisses.
• Gifts. Gift something practical that aligns with your partner’s needs, blending your love languages.

If you enjoy giving or receiving gifts, and your partner prefers:

• Words of affirmation. Thank your partner with words of love and appreciation upon receiving gifts, making them feel loved and seen.
• Quality time. Plan activities for shared experiences, creating memories that become gifts in themselves.
• Physical touch. Combine gifts with a physical gesture, such as a hug or a kiss, enhancing emotional impact.
• Acts of service. Thank your partner for gifts with a kind or helpful act, expressing love and gratitude

If you enjoy quality time, and your partner prefers:

• Words of affirmation. Share affirming words during your quality time together, express your feelings and appreciation for moments spent together.
• Acts of service. Plan activities that cater to your partner’s interests, showing effort to create special moments.
• Physical touch. Holding hands, cuddling or simply being close to your partner can enhance simple time spent with them.
• Gifts. Treat your partner to an intimate date, combining both your love languages.

If you enjoy physical touch, and your partner prefers:

• Words of affirmation. Compliment your partner’s touch and express your love verbally, conveying emotions through physical touch.
• Acts of service. Show pleasure in helping your partner with gentle touch while assisting them.
• Gifts. Consider giving tactile gifts like soft blankets or massage oils, providing a sensory experience for you both.
• Quality time. Enhance your time spent with your partner with caresses or embraces, expressing appreciation for your time spent with them.

Recognizing and understanding your partner’s preferred ways of giving and receiving love allows for effective communication and mutual fulfillment. This translation enables both partners to feel valued and understood, ultimately contributing to a healthier and more enduring relationship, building a bridge that connects individuals on a profound emotional level.

Conclusion

The foundation of successfully translating love languages involves a blend of intention, understanding and open communication. By attuning yourself to your partner’s unique preferences and expressing love in a manner that resonates with them, you pave the way for a profound and fulfilling connection. It’s a continual journey of discovery and responsiveness that strengthens the bond between you and your partner.

If you’re unsure if any of the problems you’re facing in your relationship are a cause for concern, you can take this psychological assessment to gain clarity: Relationship Satisfaction Scale

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.