3 'Automatic Habits' That Keep Long-Term Relationships Strong

The strongest couples don't just talk about love, they build it quietly through everyday actions. These habits happen almost without thinking.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | July 7, 2025

When you've been through heartbreak, you may instinctively find yourself searching for red flags in every new relationship. Every conflict, small slip up or any moment that feels "off" captures your attention more than it should.

Our brains are hardwired to focus on what's wrong, especially in dynamics where emotional stakes run high. But sometimes, it's not the obvious struggles that define a relationship; it's the quiet, often unnoticed behaviors that speak volumes. It's the age old saying of "silence speaks louder than words," applied in the relationship context.

Similarly, some of the most revealing markers of a strong partnership, to every other couples therapist, aren't always intense heart-to-hearts. Instead, they're the small, almost invisible habits that become second nature over time.

Healthy couples often focus on what's going right, look for solutions to their conflicts and build on the positive aspects of their relationship.

Here are three things emotionally healthy couples do — often without even realizing it — that lay the groundwork for enduring love.

1. They Repair In Real Time

Healthy couples know how to recover in the aftermath of a conflict because they know that, realistically, conflict cannot be avoided. While they may still argue, they know when to bring in the small repair attempts that keep the conversation from spiraling: a raised eyebrow, a half-smile, a joke that breaks the tension or a gentle "Can I say that differently?" mid-sentence.

A 2015 study published in the Journal of Family Psychotherapy shows that the most effective repairs happen early in conflict, often in the first three minutes. These early, pre-emptive repairs, as lead author Dr. John Gottman highlights, are about restoring emotional connection using repairs that are deeply human. These include shared humor, affection, taking responsibility, empathy and gently signaling, "We're okay."

And often, they're not consciously thinking, "Now let me de-escalate this." It's more like emotional muscle memory. Their nervous systems are trained to prioritize the relationship over being right. These micro-repairs signal emotional safety, one of the strongest predictors of long-term relational satisfaction.

So, the next time you feel tension rising, pause and ask, "Can we take a breath together?" Repair doesn't have to mean fixing the whole issue. Sometimes, it just means staying connected as you move through it.

2. They Practice Parallel Play

We often romanticize the idea that true love means doing everything together. But healthy couples have learned the quiet joy of being alone, together. Whether it's reading side by side, cooking in silence or working on different tasks in the same room, they're comfortable sharing space without needing to fill it.

This kind of "parallel play" reflects a deep sense of trust and autonomy. There's no pressure to perform, no need to entertain or constantly talk. Just being near each other is enough. It's a reminder that connection doesn't always have to be loud, intense or have productive outcomes. Sometimes, it's as simple as sharing the same quiet.

A 2024 study published in Motivation and Emotion on silence in romantic relationships shows that intrinsically motivated silence, the comforting type of silence driven by the need for connection, is linked to greater emotional well-being, psychological need satisfaction and relationship closeness.

In other words, it's not the silence itself, but the intention behind it that matters. When couples feel emotionally secure, silence becomes a shared language — a form of intimacy. A way to say, "I feel safe with you, even in stillness."

3. They Tell The Story Of 'Us'

Without even realizing it, emotionally safe couples speak in a kind of shared language. They say things like "That's so us," or "Remember when we…" They hold inside jokes, repeat favorite stories and draw on metaphors only they understand intimately. These aren't just sentimental habits, they're the building blocks of "We-ness," a shared identity that anchors the relationship.

A 2016 study shows that these "We-Stories," the narrative co-constructed by happy couples, are rich in themes like security, pleasure and shared meaning that add to the mutuality of relationships and long term satisfaction. The more elements of "we" in the couple's story, the stronger their emotional connection.

This "shared meaning" is deeply protective in times of stress. It helps couples orient themselves back toward the relationship when life pulls them apart. It also strengthens a sense of belonging, affirming that they're not just individuals, but co-authors in an unfolding story.

To enhance your "We-ness," think of a ritual that reinforces your couple identity. Maybe it's a monthly photo recap, a playlist you build together or even a silly phrase you use when things get hard. These tiny shared moments become powerful threads in the story of "us."

Sustaining a healthy relationship takes effort. So, if you recognize these habits in your own relationship, celebrate them. And if not, take heart. They're not grand, unreachable goals. They're simply daily decisions that eventually become part of who you are together.

Take the Relationship Flourishing Scale to see if your love is consistent with what you wish for it to be.

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.