2 Ways To Overcome A Case Of 'The Ick'

Don't let 'the ick' prevent you from a lasting, loving relationship. Here's how to move past it.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | January 17, 2025

An "ick" is a behavior or a personality trait that puts you off from seeing the person you're romantically involved with. It may create a repulsion so strong that you no longer want any sort of physical or emotional intimacy with them.

It's important to remember behaviors like your date talking over you or checking out other people while you're together indicate a lack of common courtesy and consideration for others. These are red flags and should not be mistaken for the ick.

But what about beige flags? If you get the ick because your partner bites into an ice cream or likes to wear shoes and socks on one foot first before getting to the other—remind yourself that these are quirks, not personality traits—you can get past that.

The ick can sometimes be mysterious, and there are moments where no one really knows when they're about to get it. It's a visceral reaction. Sometimes, it's your gut feeling telling you to get away from someone that isn't right for you. Other times, it's likely just an excuse to avoid intimacy.

Here are two ways to overcome "the ick" and give your date a real chance.

1. Reflect On The Origin Of The Ick

Start by reevaluating when someone's traits genuinely put you off versus when you're making excuses to not date. "An ick is not an innate thing. It's about pickiness and focusing on the wrong things. Being easily turned off is a sign of being judgmental or having unrealistic expectations, a lack of awareness about our own faults and a fear of closeness," says relationship coach Jillian Turecki. This perspective invites us to consider the psychological underpinnings of our dating preferences.

Often, what we label as an "ick" can stem from deeper insecurities or past experiences that shape our perceptions of potential partners. For instance, if someone has felt a sense of betrayal in past relationships, they might develop an aversion to traits that remind them of that painful experience, even if those traits are not inherently negative.

So, the ick is often our internal defense mechanism, working overtime to protect us from potential heartache, leading us to unconsciously push away great potential partners by focusing on unimportant qualities.

In fact, research indicates a rise in insecure attachment styles over the last few decades, signaling how many people struggle to trust others and feel secure in their relationships. This attachment style also makes it difficult for people to form strong emotional connections with potential dates over a fear of rejection.

By acknowledging these influences, we can better distinguish between genuine deal-breakers and superficial preferences that may be rooted in past relationship patterns, rather than personal compatibility.

Ultimately, cultivating self-awareness and reflecting on our dating criteria can lead to healthier relationship choices. This allows us to open up to the possibility of love and connection with those who may not fit our preconceived notions of a great partner, but could enrich our lives in unexpected ways.

2. Focus On The Positive

Sometimes, we hone in on a partner's "negative" traits when we start dating them, allowing our focus to be clouded by minor irritations that can overshadow more significant qualities. The key to fighting this is to consciously express gratitude and appreciate them for everything you like about them, while simultaneously working on deconstructing your internal judgments to create a healthier relationship dynamic.

For instance, maybe your date laughs at their own jokes, which you perceive as off-putting, especially if it feels self-indulgent or dismissive of the conversation you're having. However, it's essential to recognize that this behavior might stem from a place of joy and a desire to connect, rather than arrogance.

In this light, it becomes crucial to look out for green flags—those positive indicators that suggest a strong foundation for a relationship. Attributes such as emotional availability, confidence and maturity are not just desirable; they're essential for building a lasting connection.

Emotional availability, for instance, allows for open communication and vulnerability, creating a safe space where both partners can express their thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment. Confidence, when balanced with humility, can inspire trust and admiration, while maturity reflects a partner's ability to navigate challenges with grace and understanding.

Finally, look for shared interests and genuine compatibility. Ask yourself: What made you go out with this person in the first place? If you have common interests, then find the time to explore them together.

It's beneficial to shift your perspective from a deficit-focused mindset to one that celebrates the strengths and potential of your partner. This practice of appreciation can lead to a more fulfilling partnership, where both individuals feel valued and understood.

However, if you consistently get the ick in a later stage of your relationship, it could indicate that your connection is shifting. Use this as an opportunity for open communication. Express what's bothering you in a non-judgmental way—it's possible your partner is unaware of their behavior.

In case it begins to overshadow the positive aspects of your relationship, it might also be worth reflecting on whether the relationship truly aligns with your values and needs, and if the "ick" you're getting is an indicator that something else is wrong. Either way, it's essential to sit with yourself, and find out.

The ick is more than just a fleeting feeling; it's a reflection of our expectations, insecurities and patterns in relationships. Instead of letting minor quirks drive us away, we can use them as opportunities to grow, both individually and within the relationship.

Ultimately, overcoming the ick isn't just about salvaging potential partnerships—it's about cultivating a deeper sense of empathy and self-awareness. By shifting from a mindset of judgment to one of curiosity and appreciation, we open ourselves up to the possibility of relationships that are richer, more fulfilling and more aligned with our true selves.

Could a fear of intimacy be making you wary of getting too attached to a potential partner? Take the science-backed Fear Of Intimacy Scale to find out.

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.