2 Ways That 'Relationship Eclipsing' Can Cast A Shadow Over Your Life

Sharing your life with your partner is a great experience, but it's also important to maintain your individuality. Here's why.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | May 20, 2024

"Eclipsing" refers to a dating practice where an individual adopts the interests, hobbies, behaviors or even friend groups of their romantic partner to a significant extent, to the point of overshadowing their own identity.

Essentially, they start to "eclipse" their own personality with that of their partner's. This can happen gradually as the relationship progresses, with one person becoming heavily influenced by the other's preferences and lifestyle choices, even if they do not necessarily agree with or enjoy them. This can be especially difficult to avoid in long-term relationships, where partners may have highly intertwined lives through marriage or cohabitation.

While it's natural and even beneficial for couples to share interests and activities, eclipsing becomes problematic when a person loses their sense of self and independence in the relationship.

Here are two reasons why eclipsing can be a harmful relationship behavior.

1. It's Detrimental To Your Well-Being

Over time, eclipsing can lead to a loss of individual identity and a diminished sense of self.

The partner who feels eclipsed may start to harbor feelings of resentment and frustration. They may feel stifled or suffocated by the other person's dominant personality, interests or their own inability to structure their time as they would like.

Eclipsing can also inhibit individual growth and create feelings of stagnation by preventing each person from pursuing their own goals, passions and aspirations. When one partner's interests consistently take precedence over the other's, it can hinder the potential for personal fulfillment, growth and self-discovery.

Additionally, when someone starts to define themselves solely through their relationship, it can lead to a decline in self-esteem and confidence. They may start to doubt their own worth and abilities, relying heavily on their partner for validation and everyday decision-making.

Such dependence can create an unhealthy dynamic where one feels unable to function independently. For example, if the relationship ends or their partner experiences a significant life change, such as moving away or pursuing a new career, one may feel lost and unsure of how to navigate life on their own.

Without a strong sense of self, it can also be challenging to set and maintain healthy boundaries within the relationship. Partners may struggle to assert their own needs and desires or act in accordance with their core values, often even losing sight of what they were in the first place.

2. It Takes A Toll On Your Relationship

A 2023 study published in Marriage and Family Review found that sacrificing or suppressing one's individual needs and desires for a partner can lead to marital distress and lower marital satisfaction as the sacrificing partner struggles with the discontentment of ignoring their true selves.

Eclipsing also creates a power imbalance within relationships, with one partner exerting more influence and control over the other, without necessarily meaning to. The partner who is being eclipsed may feel unsure about their role and contribution, while the dominant partner may feel burdened by the responsibility of making decisions and leading the relationship. This imbalance can create tension and undermine the equality of the partnership.

A healthy relationship is built on mutual respect and admiration for each other's unique qualities and attributes. With time, the loss of individuality within a relationship can lead to a decline in attraction and passion between partners.

The interesting personality differences that initially drew them to each other may fade with the lack of novelty in the relationship, as one partner becomes increasingly assimilated into the other's identity, leading to feelings of disconnect and disinterest.

Here are a few ways to retain your sense of personal identity in a relationship, while maintaining closeness.

Reflect on your priorities. Take time to reflect on your values, goals and aspirations independently of your partner. Engage in practices such as journaling or mindfulness to connect with your inner self and stay grounded.
Ask yourself some hard truths. Take time to reflect on your behavior in relationships. Do you adapt to others' needs often? Do you fear abandonment, rejection or the loss of closeness with your partner? Could there be aspects of yourself that you struggle to trust, leading you to seek direction from them, or has it simply become a comfortable choice to follow along? Such reflection allows you to start addressing the sources of eclipsing.
Evaluate the necessity of sacrifice. A 2022 study suggests that since relationship sacrifices can be harmful, it's essential to carefully evaluate what activities and interests you will share with a partner and whether they align with your core values and interests.
Make me-time non-negotiable. Schedule regular check-ins with yourself to see if you are spending enough time doing things you like. Continuously invest in your personal growth and development and prioritize self-care, focusing on what nourishes your physical, emotional and mental well-being. This strengthens your sense of resilience, identity and self-esteem, which also strengthens your relationship.
Maintain separate interests and hobbies. It's essential to continue pursuing activities and interests that are important to you as this helps maintain a sense of autonomy and fulfillment. Practice making decisions autonomously, pursue personal goals and prioritize your own needs alongside those of the relationship.
Set boundaries. Start by acknowledging your own agency and ability to make decisions that align with your inner self. Establishing clear boundaries around personal space, time and activities can also help prevent the erosion of your identity within the relationship. Communicate openly with your partner about your needs and desires and encourage them to do the same.
Nurture other relationships. Maintain relationships with friends and family members outside of your romantic partnership. These connections provide additional sources of support, validation and perspective, helping you maintain a sense of individuality and social identity.

Recognizing and addressing eclipsing involves a commitment to maintain separate identities while still sharing experiences and interests together. By building a relationship that values and celebrates each person's individuality, couples can create a foundation for long-term happiness and strike a healthy balance between their individuality and a loving partnership.

Curious whether you're able to be your authentic self in relationships? Take this test to find out: Authenticity In Relationships Scale

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.