2 Tell-Tale Signs That You're An 'Emotional Influencer'

Regulating your own emotions is hard enough as is—regulating those of others' takes a different level of skill.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | April 10, 2024

Interpersonal emotional regulation refers to the deliberate effort to shape, influence or change the emotional experiences of others in social interactions and relationships. This should not be conflated with emotional manipulation or interpersonal control but rather the ability to connect, motivate, uplift or help others through challenging times.

Interpersonal emotional regulation comprises four stages:

1. Identifying emotions. This involves the ability to accurately perceive emotional cues to understand the other person's current emotional experience and respond accordingly. Misidentifying emotions can lead to misunderstandings and ineffective communication. For example, mistaking someone's frustration for anger might result in responding defensively rather than with empathy.
2. Emotional goal-setting. This involves setting a goal for how one wants the other person to feel. Setting inappropriate goals can lead to unrealistic expectations or mismatched responses, causing further emotional distress. For instance, setting a goal to make someone happy when they just need a listening ear might not address their underlying feelings adequately.
3. Selecting an emotional regulation strategy. Individuals choose from a range of regulation strategies to influence others' emotions. These can include trying to reinterpret the situation more positively, suppressing or avoiding the emotion, distracting them or engaging in problem-solving. However, it is important to choose carefully. For instance, attempting to suppress emotions in a situation that requires emotional expression may worsen the issue.
4. Implementation. Regulation strategies need to be effectively put into action, which may require self-control, effort and persistence. Poor implementation can result in failing to reduce negative emotions or escalating emotional intensity. For instance, using humor to lighten a tense situation by making inappropriate or insensitive jokes could escalate conflict rather than diffusing it.

Mastery of interpersonal emotional regulation involves developing awareness, skill and flexibility across each stage to foster healthy relationships and emotional well-being.

A 2024 study found that not everyone has these abilities. Emotionally influential people share a certain psychological skill-set and personality traits that allow them to successfully influence others.

Here are two qualities that set emotionally influential individuals apart, according to the 2024 study.

1. Emotional Intelligence

Researchers found that cognitive abilities, especially emotion-relevant skills and knowledge are essential to interpersonal emotional regulation. This includes high levels of emotional intelligence.

Emotionally intelligent individuals have cognitive skills that make them adept at recognizing, processing and managing emotions, both in themselves and others. This helps them navigate the four stages of interpersonal emotional regulation with relative ease.

During a job interview, for instance, they can accurately pick up on subtle emotional cues from the interviewer, such as facial expressions, tone of voice and body language. This allows them to gauge the interviewer's reactions and adjust their responses accordingly.

If such a candidate notices the interviewer becoming interested or engaged, they can further elaborate on certain points to capitalize on that positive reception. If the interviewer appears more reserved or formal, they can adjust their demeanor to match that tone. Conversely, if the interviewer seems more relaxed and casual, they can mirror that style to establish rapport more effectively.

Emotionally intelligent individuals also excel at communication. They can articulate their thoughts and experiences clearly and persuasively while communicating empathy for the other person's experience, enabling them to successfully regulate other's emotions.

Emotional intelligence can be fostered by enhancing self-awareness and learning how one's behavior affects others, practicing self-regulation, learning to maintain composure in challenging situations and cultivating empathy, active listening and perspective-taking skills.

2. An Influential Personality

Researchers found that socially desirable personality traits play a key role in interpersonal emotional regulation processes.

"Some traits will predispose people to pay more attention to the emotional states of others, to invest more effort into interpersonal regulation and to develop their regulatory repertoire. Whether someone's style is generally prosocial or selfish has meaningful effects," the researchers write.

The authors found that two personality traits make a person more emotionally influential:

• Agreeableness. Highly agreeable individuals, characterized by a prosocial orientation and a tendency to prioritize others' needs, are more attuned to others' emotions. They are motivated to maintain positive relationships and inclined to invest in understanding others' needs and perspectives. Facets of agreeableness such as empathy and altruism are associated with emotion regulation abilities, contributing to greater emotional influence in social interactions.
• Extraversion. Highly extraverted individuals are motivated to enhance the emotional atmosphere of their social interactions. Researchers suggest that their efforts to uplift others are typically perceived as genuine, well-intentioned and aligned with their outgoing and optimistic nature, rather than forced. This elicits positive reactions from others who naturally, would also like to feel better.

Recognizing and cultivating these traits and cognitive skills empowers individuals to positively impact others' lives. Remember, it is important to notice what the other person would genuinely benefit from, even when we think we know what's best for them.

While most people can learn to tap into the power of emotional influence, doing so with sincerity, empathy and altruistic intention is crucial for nurturing healthy relationships and being a truly positive influence in the world.

Is your prosocial behavior sincere or do you have to put on a face? Take the Authenticity In Relationships Scale to gain clarity.

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.