2 Subtle Ways You May Be Abandoning Yourself

Self-abandonment can masquerade as compassion, patience, or being 'low-maintenance.' But choosing yourself isn't selfish; it's necessary.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | June 14, 2025

Self-abandonment isn't always obvious. More often than not, it shows up in the everyday ways you compromise your needs in the name of keeping the peace. Sometimes, it may feel like simply being "laid-back" or "easy to get along with." You might even pride yourself on how well you adapt to everyone around you.

While being adaptable is a strength, there's a difference between flexibility and losing touch with your inner voice.

What you might truly be doing is adjusting according to other people's convenience. Sure, this can make people like you, but what does it leave you feeling? You subconsciously deny your own needs and once you start accepting this as your norm, it becomes difficult to recognize where your boundaries lie or even how to set them.

Over time, this blurring of boundaries can leave you feeling overwhelmed and unsure of what you truly want or need.

It's possible that you even lose sight of what you want and find it hard to stand up for yourself because you haven't given yourself the chance to honestly consider your own needs without constantly weighing them against others' wants.

You may indulge in these behaviors innocently, without realizing their impact on your self-esteem. For the sake of your relationship with yourself and to prevent future resentment toward others, they are worth paying attention to.

At the end of the day, the way you relate to yourself sets the tone for every other relationship in your life.

Here are two ways you might be abandoning yourself without realizing it.

1. When Being Needed Feels Like The Only Way To Be Loved

It's important to be there for the people you love and care about. However, it shouldn't come at the cost of your own well-being. Being there for someone else does not mean constantly sidelining your own needs.

Sometimes, what looks like care on the outside is actually coming from a place of fear or pressure within. You may have internalized the idea that you're only lovable when you're useful.

This distorted belief can have you unconsciously measure your worth based on what you do for others rather than who you are. This pattern can slowly chip away at your self-trust and experience of emotional safety within relationships.

That's why it's worth reflecting: "Am I giving from a place of connection or from a need to be needed?"

A 2022 study developed a new scale to measure "others-centeredness," the tendency to prioritize others' interests over one's own in a healthy and balanced way.

Rather than unmitigated communion, which describes putting others first while sacrificing your happiness and well-being, other-centeredness is based on the philosophical idea that everyone's needs are equally valuable and that interpersonal connections matter deeply.

The researchers surveyed participants and found that others-centeredness was uniquely associated with greater well-being, while unmitigated communion and high "other-focus" were associated with more negative effects on mental health.

In other words, people who care for others while also valuing themselves experience better emotional health.

The findings suggest that giving without awareness or boundaries can be a form of self-abandonment, even if it does not appear so on the surface.

Remember that the why and how behind giving matter. Giving from a place of genuine connection and mutual respect helps enhance well-being. On the other hand, the act of giving in any capacity, driven by fear of rejection or a need to please others, leads to burnout and lowers self-esteem.

One way to start bringing awareness to your patterns of overgiving is by interrupting the pattern with a question. Basically, take a deliberate pause before saying yes.

Ask yourself, "Would I still choose this if I believed my worth wasn't tied to being needed?"

This small check-in can be a powerful step toward reconnecting with your boundaries and slowly reminding yourself that love doesn't have to be earned through overgiving.

You need to constantly remind yourself that you are more than what you give. People who truly care for you will love you even when you're not being helpful, fixing things or showing up with something to offer.

2. When You Shrink Yourself To Avoid Being 'Too Much'

In many situations, you might think you're just being "adjusting," like saying yes to plans you don't feel like following through with or going along with choices that don't sit right with you, just to keep things smooth in a group.

However, as this becomes a habit, without realizing it, you slowly teach yourself to not have any opinions of your own. This can sometimes even leave you feeling indecisive because you don't give yourself the space to think and verbalize your opinions, needs or preferences.

Not only does this pattern impact how you relate to yourself, it also changes what other people expect of you.

Research published in Basic and Applied Social Psychology explored how people respond when they perceive others as selfish, even if those selfish actions don't affect them. Researchers conducted two experiments.

In the first experiment, participants were asked to complete a boring task assigned by someone else. The person who assigned the task gave different explanations: a selfish one, a legitimate reason or an excuse that minimized blame.

Half of the participants were told that the other person's decision didn't matter because they would have to do the task regardless.

In the second experiment, the timing of this information varied. The participants learned whether the decision was irrelevant either before or after being told who assigned the task.

The findings revealed that participants reacted negatively toward the person who gave a selfish explanation no matter if the decision had any real consequences for them or not. This suggests that people are sensitive to perceived selfishness, independent of its practical impact.

So, if you're someone who's always been the reliable one or the one who always says yes, when you start choosing yourself and saying no to what feels uncomfortable, it can unsettle the people around you.

It's the break from the usual pattern that unsettles people, especially when the reason isn't wrapped in justification or people-pleasing.

Without meaning to, you may have taught people around you that your preferences don't really exist. It's not always that they're intentionally ignoring you or your preference or opinion, but if they are more assertive and you keep quiet, over time, your voice slowly fades from the equation.

To shift this pattern, start small. You don't need a dramatic confrontation to reclaim your voice. You just need to consistently remind yourself and others that you have one.

Small acts of self-expression, like sharing your opinion on where to eat, voicing when something doesn't sit right with you or simply saying, "I'd rather not," can be powerful steps that help you learn how to choose yourself.

Each time you choose to express your truth, no matter how small, you rebuild trust within yourself. Remember, it's not selfish to respect yourself and pay attention to your needs. In fact, it's deeply necessary.

Relearning How To Love Yourself

Quite often, what we think of as self-love is more about surface-level care. While that has its place, truly loving yourself runs deeper. It's about choosing yourself in moments when it feels uncomfortable, unfamiliar or even wrong.

The simple act of saying no when you want to is a way of loving yourself enough to honor what you feel and stand firmly by it.

It's okay if this feels hard for you.

For many people, putting others first isn't just a habit, but more about survival. Maybe you learned early on that being easygoing kept the peace around you or that being helpful made you feel safe and valued. These patterns were your way of belonging, staying connected and seeking safety in your relationships.

This way of living may have protected you once, but you're allowed to outgrow patterns that no longer keep you safe. The way you treat yourself also teaches the world how to treat you. You're allowed to be someone who not only gives love, but receives it.

Are you giving yourself the love that you keep giving others? Take this science-backed test to find out: Self Care Inventory

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.