2 Signs You're Experiencing 'Thwarted Belongingness'

Struggling to figure out where you belong? Here's two signs that you might be dealing with 'thwarted belongingness' and its effects on mental health.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | November 21, 2024

Have you ever felt like an outsider despite being surrounded by people? Like you're on the edges of every friend group, without a "go-to" person or any truly deep connections? The experience of feeling left out, unseen or uncared for speaks to the fundamental human need to feel valued and to belong.

We all crave social connection, yet many people endure what's known as "thwarted belongingness," a persistent sense of not fitting in or not being truly valued in any social circle. Thwarted belongingness is an emotional experience that can impact our well-being in devastating ways, leaving us with a very real sense of grief—not from connections lost, but connections we've never had.

Here are two emotional consequences of experiencing thwarted belongingness, according to research.

1. A Deep Sense Of Loneliness

Loneliness is often misunderstood as a condition that only arises from physical isolation, but it also involves feeling emotionally and psychologically disconnected from others. The U.S. Surgeon General's 2023 Advisory on the Healing Effects of Social Connection and Community suggests that this kind of loneliness can also impact physical health, with effects comparable to smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day.

In fact, loneliness is now a serious public health concern due to its association with depression, anxiety and physical ailments like heart disease.

Thwarted belongingness can make loneliness feel especially pervasive and inescapable. When our social needs are unmet, the resulting loneliness can become a cycle—feeling isolated can make us withdraw even further, which in turn deepens our sense of disconnection.

Experiences of rejection, no matter how subtle, can also contribute to this cycle. For instance, someone who consistently feels left out of social gatherings might start avoiding them altogether out of fear of facing any further rejection.

2. A Sense Of Low Self-Worth

One of the more insidious effects of thwarted belongingness is the toll it can take on one's self-worth. When we repeatedly feel that we don't belong, it's easy to internalize the message that we're unimportant, unlovable or a burden to others. Even minor slights or misunderstandings can be interpreted as proof that others don't want us around.

These feelings can also intensify existing insecurities, making people feel as though they're "too much" or "not enough" for others. This can often lead to thoughts like, "maybe I'm not interesting enough," or "no one really wants me around."

Such beliefs can become so ingrained that individuals start to perceive themselves as unworthy of love or connection. They may interpret their lack of close relationships as a sign of their own inadequacy, rather than viewing it as a reflection of circumstance or timing. Again, these feelings can fuel the negative thought cycle that keeps us from seeking out connection.

Here are some ways to start shifting your mindset and navigate feelings of thwarted belongingness.

• Challenge negative assumptions. Breaking free from the vicious cycle of perceived rejection, low self-worth and thwarted belongingness requires challenging internal narratives and remembering that your self-worth isn't defined by the number or quality of your social connections. Just because you feel like you don't belong doesn't mean you truly don't. You may not have found the right connections yet, but that doesn't mean you never will. Reframe your mindset to see each social interaction as an opportunity, not a potential rejection.
• Stay open to connection. While deep relationships are invaluable, remember that even small interactions can build a sense of belonging. Start with small, low-stakes interactions to ease into socializing. Smile and chat with a local shopkeeper, volunteer at a community event or reach out to family members or acquaintances you feel comfortable with. This can enhance psychological well-being and reinforces the idea that social interaction is safe and positive.
• Restore your self-confidence. Do small things everyday that restore your confidence and sense of self, such as engaging in your favorite hobbies, making art, aiming for some daily movement, trying on a new outfit you feel good in or working on any interesting ideas you've had. These small acts of self-nourishment remind you that you deserve to invest in yourself.
• Seek support. A mental health professional can provide a safe space to explore feelings of thwarted belongingness, help you unpack negative beliefs and build yourself up again. You can also try connecting local communities where people share similar interests or values.

Thwarted belongingness is a painful, deeply personal experience that can color the way we view ourselves and others. By understanding and addressing the root causes of these feelings, we can begin to reshape our perspective on relationships. Remember, you deserve connection and community just as much as anyone else.

While it may feel challenging, we can discover meaningful friendships at any stage of life if we stay open to them. Sometimes, it's surprising what (or who) may be waiting right around the corner.

Building deep friendships often takes courage and patience, especially when past experiences may have taught us to expect disappointment. But, each step we take towards connection is an act of self-compassion and resilience, one that opens the door to the genuine love we all seek.

Are you experiencing loneliness even while being in a close relationship? Take this test to find out: Loneliness In Intimate Relationships Scale

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.