4 Signs That Your Spouse Sees Your Marriage Differently Than You

Are you alone in your marriage? Here's four signs that you might be, according to psychological research.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | November 18, 2024

The AMC dark American comedy Kevin Can F**k Himself is a fascinating watch for reasons you might not expect. The series explores the marriage between misogynist, blue-collar worker Kevin and his long-suffering wife Alison. But unlike most shows about marriage, this one has a unique twist.

Shown from Alison's viewpoint, the show is presented as a multi camera sitcom whenever Kevin's character is onscreen. However, as soon as he leaves the screen, the show becomes a single-camera perspective with a gritty, dark feel. The setup, while unusual, is intense. The filmmakers are trying to make the point that Kevin and Alison see their marriage in a very different light.

This clever tactic speaks to many marriages across the country. Many people—much like Alison—view the marriage they have entered into as a self-imposed prison. And often, their partner is blissfully unaware of their feelings until it is too late.

Being in a marriage can feel like you and your partner are reading from different relationship playbooks. While marriage is a beautiful journey, people can feel trapped and lost if the sacrifices they make for the marriage conflict with their identity. Here are four telltale signs that might indicate your partner views your marriage differently than you do.

1. You Don't Feel Heard

Have you ever shared something important with someone, only to feel like your words bounced off an invisible wall? It can feel disheartening. Now, think about your relationship with your partner. Have they ever asked you to do a task at home or pick something up for them only to "forget" or decide to do it when it is more convenient?

In the show's first episode, Kevin gloats to Alison about an upcoming anniversary party he is planning. He goes on about how much he knows she loves their anniversary "rager," to which Alison responds that she would have preferred a quiet romantic dinner instead. Her concerns are quickly brushed off by the mildly controlling Kevin, who assures her she will have a much better time at the massive party she is now forced to organize.

Research from a 2023 article published in Harvard Business Review shows that couples who master the art of truly listening to each other tend to have happier marriages. Ignoring your partner's simple or seemingly trivial requests can leave them feeling like they are not being heard.

This is about more than just one person getting what they want—it's about active, open communication. The article emphasizes the importance of the other person feeling heard and cared for in the marriage. Ensure you are taking the time to hear what your partner is saying, even if the request is tiny—this small gesture could go a long way in your relationship.

2. You Do All the Sacrificing

Recent research, including a 2019 article by The Guardian, has stated that single, childless women are among the happiest in society, and there might be a good reason for this. Traditional gender roles dictate that the woman must give up her career, social standing and even ambitions to care for the household as soon as she enters into the marriage contract.

Women, more so than men, are expected to accept their new status as homemakers, forgoing any previous dreams—while also supporting their husbands' ambitions. Moreover, they are considered selfish if they dare to want more than the marital home.

Kevin Can F**k Himself shows this reality most comically. A miserable Alison is forced to entertain Kevin's boss while he hosts their "anniversary" party in the next room. In Kevin's tiny mind, this is a compromise—Alison gets her quiet evening, and he gets his massive party. The reality is that this is just another instance of Alison sacrificing what she wants to further Kevin's ambitions.

3. You Dictate All the Plans

Kevin's anniversary party represents so much more in the series. It is a clear indication that he sets the tone of the relationship. Alison's plans are swept aside to ensure Kevin gets what he wants, no matter how miserable she is.

If your idea of a good time for you and your partner involves doing only what you want, this could be building underlying resentment in the marriage. In a 2018 study from the Journal of Divorce and Remarriage, people ranked their spouses' oppressive behavior as one of the top reasons they decided to file for a divorce.

These feelings of oppression can stem from people who feel that they are constantly giving in to what their partner wants. If your partner feels that their plans are always sacrificed for what you want, it could cause conflict in the marriage. It might sound cliche, but in a marriage, compromise is key. You may not both get what you want, but you can always find a healthy middle.

4. You Make All the Financial Decisions

Later in the episode, Allison announces her plan for them to upgrade to a nicer neighborhood. She rather naively feels that this move to a newly built suburb will improve their marriage and make Kevin a better husband. Her constant daydreams of herself and Kevin as the perfect Stedford couple in their new home illustrate this. There is only one problem—Kevin had drained their bank account without telling her. The move is so infuriating that it is almost enough to justify Allison's dreams of murdering her husband later in the series.

While this is exaggerated for television's sake, it mirrors real-life themes. A 2023 Journal of Social and Personal Relationships study shows that 40% of marriage disagreements are about finances. One of the biggest reasons for these fights was the couples' dissimilar values regarding how the money was spent.

If you and your partner differ on how to use shared profit, this can be a significant source of resentment. This worsens in relationships where only one partner's views are considered because they are the "breadwinner." If your partner does not get a say in how money is allocated, this can leave them feeling disempowered. Make sure conversations around money are open and honest, and when it comes to finances, compromises are made to ensure everyone gets what they need.

While the show is fictional, its take on real-life issues in marriage is quite clever. If you are happy in your relationship, take a second to look at your marriage from your partner's perspective. Ask yourself honestly, are they happy? If you struggle to say "yes," you might want to look at ways you can help them see the marriage as favorably as you do.

Do you see your marriage as a happy one? Take this science-backed test to find out: Marital Satisfaction Scale

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.