Relationships are somewhat transactional by nature. We love, we give, we receive and, ideally, these exchanges feel both balanced and rewarding. Our relationships thrive off of this spirit of reciprocity. But, should one partner start to chronically take more than what they’re giving, this spirit will immediately change. Instead, the other partner will start to feel as though they’re being used.

On paper, this is very clearly exploitative. But in an actual partnership, day to day, it might not become evident the second it starts happening. Obvious betrayals like infidelity, deceit or abandonment are clear as day; taking advantage of someone, on the other hand, tends to be a slow burn. In fact, some individuals might even consider it normal in the context of challenging exchanges within a relationship.

Here are two of the clearest signs that your partner might be with you for the wrong reasons.

1. Their Supportiveness Is Highly Conditional

Perhaps the greatest hallmark of a loving relationship is communal care: two partners’ willingness to help one another simply because they care. Decades of social psychological research — such as the renowned 1979 Journal of Personality and Social Psychology study by Margaret Clark and Judson Mills — have shown that happy, stable couples will typically operate on this basis of communal care.

That is, in a healthy partnership, partners give to one another because they love one another; they want to see the other well, happy and supported. But in unhealthy partnerships, on the other hand, giving is usually a means to an end.

Support in such partnerships tends to function based off of a quid pro quo kind of logic. A toxic partner, specifically, may only show support, affection or encouragement for the other if they know they’ll receive something similar in return. They might even offer reminders of everything they’ve done for the other. These reminders (sometimes gentle, sometimes not) serve as a means for them to “cash in” on their goodwill.

In other words, what might look like generosity to the untrained eye is actually, through closer inspection, an emotionally manipulative form of bookkeeping.

Consider, for instance, a partner who helps the other prepare the night before a stressful presentation at work. Only, a week later, they suddenly begin framing that assistance as leverage for something they want. They say something like, “Remember how I stayed up late with you last week? Helping me out is the least you could do.”

The underlying message here is that repayment is due, and it is due whenever suits them. The other partner then begins to sense that they weren’t cared for in the way they were initially led to believe and that, instead, they’re now indebted.

Consider how you feel after your partner helps you with something. Do you hesitate to ask for support because you know you’ll have to pay it back in some way later on? Do you feel more indebted than you do grateful whenever your partner does something nice for you? These are just a couple signals that your relationship could be skewed toward your partner’s self-interest.

2. Your Needs Are Rarely Ever Considered

The ways in which needs, desires and goals are prioritized within a partnership speaks volumes about its health — or, rather, the ways in which they’re overlooked. As 2023 research from Current Opinion in Psychology notes, a healthy relationship demands a certain amount of responsiveness. Love requires you to be able to attune to your partner’s inner world, as well as to respond to it with care and attentiveness.

However, when a partner starts to use the other, their responsiveness will most likely become highly selective. In other words, they may only choose to be attentive in moments in which it will benefit them.

If your mood begins to affect their comfort, for instance, then they might try to comfort you. Or, they may do something kind when they need something in return, as they know you’ll feel indebted. But otherwise, they’ll likely be dismissive if your needs require any moderate amount of sacrifice.

In this sense, your happiness will only matter to the extent that it serves theirs.

Take the example of a partner who eagerly plans date nights when they want something — for instance, to try a new restaurant, to get a free meal or even for an excuse to have sex. But when you suggest activities that are meaningful to you, they show little to no interest whatsoever.

As the above research on responsiveness notes, listening is the first step in becoming responsive. But if a partner only chooses to listen and respond when it’s convenient to them, the relationship will become palpably asymmetrical. It will be incredibly hard to feel loved if your partner refuses to register, let alone acknowledge, your inner world.

Try to think of the last time your partner adjusted their plans or behavior, purely for your sake instead of their own. Can they do this regularly? Can they make sacrifices without being openly resentful? Can they compromise without trying to negotiate with you first? Struggling to think of any recent examples of these exchanges in your relationship should prompt you to really think about your role in your partner’s life.

It’s important not to devolve into a cycle of self-blame or guilt once exploitative patterns become clear to you. As social psychologist Xijing Wang — a researcher interested in exchange orientations within relationships — explained to me in an interview in 2022, “It is essential to know that it is not your fault to be treated in an instrumental manner by your partner.”

Understand that choosing to take advantage of someone else is exactly that: a choice that someone else makes. It is in no way reflective of flaws in your character, nor does it make you weak. Acknowledging and radially accepting this will free you from the unnecessary self-blame that victims of manipulation so often experience.

What matters most is the way you respond once you start to see these patterns of behavior for what they are, as the path forward from there is completely up to you. It’s your prerogative to decide whether you’re willing to give them a second chance, or whether the imbalance is too far gone. In either case, naming the dynamic is what gives you back your agency; with it, you’ll start to see how deserving you are of a relationship in which care is genuine, rather than conditional.

Are you receiving the love you deserve in your relationship, or only giving it? Take this science-backed test to learn more: Relationship Satisfaction Scale

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.