2 Communication Habits That Create Distance In Relationships

What feels like keeping the peace might actually be pushing your partner away. Here are 2 communication styles that quietly erode connection and love.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | May 22, 2025

Emotional distance in long-term relationships rarely begins with a major rupture. Instead, it often starts with subtle, recurring patterns such as missed cues, unmet bids for connection and conversations that leave one or both partners feeling unseen. These moments can easily compound into a quiet loneliness, even in the presence of physical closeness.

Statements such as the following often signal relationship decline.

• "It feels like we're just roommates now."
• "We talk, but I don't feel heard."
• "Everything feels like a task or transaction."

These are not always problems of compatibility or conflict — they are symptoms of disconnection. At the root of disconnection are repeated micro-moments of misattunement in how we speak and listen to each other.

Certain communication styles, when habitual, signal a deeper emotional shift: from reaching toward one another to protecting oneself from vulnerability.

Here are the two communication styles that predict long-term disconnection in relationships.

1. Dismissive Responding — A Defense Disguised As Logic

Dismissive responding often hides behind a mask of calm rationality:

• "You're being too sensitive."
• "You always take things so personally."
• "It's not a big deal, let's just forget about it."

On the surface, these statements can sound composed or even well-meaning. But underneath lies a pattern of emotional invalidation. When one partner repeatedly minimizes, redirects or shuts down emotional expression, it sends a powerful message: "Your feelings don't belong here." Over time, the other person learns that to stay close, they have to shut off parts of themselves.

Research published in the Journal of the American Psychoanalytic Association found that emotionally distant individuals are not detached due to apathy, but because emotional closeness feels threatening. This defense often stems from early experiences as children, where their emotions were inadequately mirrored by a caregiver. Without consistent emotional attunement, the child develops a fragile identity, one that is built around the need to avoid vulnerability to preserve a sense of self.

In adult relationships, this manifests as a retreat into logic, control or detachment whenever emotions surface. Dismissiveness, then, becomes a self-protective strategy — less about ignoring the other person's feelings, and more about preserving a shaky internal equilibrium. Emotional expression feels overwhelming, and validation feels like a step too close to engulfment or loss of self.

As this pattern persists, the relationship begins to feel emotionally sterile. Conversations revolve around tasks. Vulnerability is edited out. One partner withdraws and the other goes silent because they never learned how to stay present with difficult feelings.

Repair, in this case, begins with presence over problem-solving. Instead of fixing, slow down and feel. Simple responses can open the door to connection:

• "That sounds heavy. I want to understand it better."
• "Thank you for telling me. Can I sit with you in this for a minute?"

Remember, validation doesn't necessarily mean agreement, it means making room for your partner's emotional reality without trying to alter it. For emotionally distant individuals, learning to tolerate this kind of closeness is not just about better communication, but about healing long-standing fears of intimacy and identity erosion.

2. Scorekeeping: The Hidden Resentment Ledger

Scorekeeping in relationships rarely stems from a genuine pursuit of fairness. Instead, it stems from emotional depletion. When one or both partners keep a running tally of who did more, gave more or tried harder, it's often an attempt to communicate unspoken pain such as, "I feel invisible," or "I don't feel safe asking for what I need."

Resentment begins to replace vulnerability. It might sound like:

• "I always plan everything — we wouldn't even have a relationship if it weren't for me."
• "You get to rest. I never get to rest."
• "I've sacrificed so much and you don't even notice."

But deep down, it's not about chores or calendars. Instead, it's about longing for recognition, balance and relief.

A 2013 study published in Contemporary Psychoanalysis highlights how couples often frame their struggles in moral language, invoking ideas of fairness, justice and responsibility.

While these frameworks may appear principled, they often mask the discomfort of vulnerability in intimate relationships. Drawing from psychoanalytic and attachment theory, the study suggests that this preoccupation with fairness can act as a defense against the anxiety of seeking emotional need fulfilment and healthy dependence.

In practice, this means scorekeeping becomes a relational shield or an emotionally distant way to ask for closeness. When couples focus on who owes whom, it prevents them from acknowledging the softer truth: "I need more from you, and I don't know how to say it without feeling exposed."

In real life, this turns scorekeeping into a substitute for closeness. Instead of saying, "I'm hurting and I need more from you," couples fall into a pattern of tit-for-tat. The relationship becomes transactional and all acts of love feel calculated, accompanied by hidden caveats.

To course coorect, you must look beneath the ledger and listen for the longing. Ask yourself:

• "What am I really trying to say when I list what I've done for them?"
• "What need feels unmet?"
• "What fear is beneath this resentment — being unseen, unsupported, unloved?"

Then, shift from tallying to tending. Instead of: "I did the dishes three times this week," try: "I've been feeling burnt out. Could you take over the dishes tomorrow so I can recharge?"

Real intimacy doesn't always come from even exchanges, but from emotional transparency, especially when it's hardest to ask for and give in reciprocation.

At their core, both dismissiveness and scorekeeping aren't just poor communication habits, they're emotional coping mechanisms. One shields against vulnerability while the other pleads for recognition. But both speak to the same underlying truth: a deep need to be seen, heard and emotionally held.

Healing disconnection begins when we stop asking, "Who's right?" and start asking, "Where does it hurt?" Because disconnection isn't the end of love. It's a call to listen differently. It reminds us to move beyond roles and routines, and speak to each other from the tender, human places of our fears, our longings and our desire to feel safe in each other's presence.

If you've ever felt emotionally alone in the presence of your partner, know that you're not imagining it, and you're definitely not alone. Take the science-backed Loneliness In Intimate Relationships Scale to learn how it may be impacting you.

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.