2 Signs That You're Losing Your Identity To Your Marriage

In building your marital identity, have you lost your personal, individual identity? Here's two signs that you might have.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | November 19, 2024

For many, marriage represents a chance to build a life together, united by love and commitment. However, this unity can sometimes come at the cost of one's individual identity. When people become deeply invested in their roles as spouses, they might lose sight of who they once were. This isn't uncommon and, in fact, is often a natural part of adapting to marriage. But when it starts to overwhelmingly eclipse your sense of self, it's worth paying attention to.

In a study published in the Journal of Family Issues, researchers at the University of Liverpool interviewed 82 married, cohabiting and widowed individuals and found that many experienced a shift in daily routines, social interactions and even personal identity due to their marriage.

Here are two signs you may be losing yourself in your marriage, and how to reconnect with your authentic self, according to the study.

1. A Collective Identity Overshadows Your Own

One of the first signs of losing yourself in marriage is when the collective "we" increasingly starts to replace the "I." You may find that your individual identity is taking a backseat to the joint identity you share with your spouse.

"It's (being married) a little bit difficult because I think before people just see me as an individual. Now, although some people still do that, the majority it's always 'Ben and (wife)'. It's not just 'Ben.' It would be nice if people would recognize we are two identities, not just one," mentions Ben, age 32, a participant from the study.

Many participants described this process as a shift in how others viewed them and in how they saw themselves. Suddenly, they weren't recognized solely for their unique traits or achievements, but as part of a unit. This change can have a profound impact on their sense of self.

Many people begin to internalize societal expectations of what it means to be a "good spouse" and, over time, feel compelled to conform to those standards, even if it means suppressing parts of themselves.

"I feel like I have to try and look physically a bit more respectable sometimes, I feel like a rag bag (laughter) because I have to be a bit more respectful for (husband) and a bit smarter," says Norma, age 58.

This merging of identities can be fulfilling in some ways but stifling in others, especially if it leads to a loss of personal goals, hobbies, dreams or freedom.

"I can't think of a more wonderful thing for someone to ask you to do (to marry them). But then there was also a feeling of loss of independence," mentions Helen, age 51.

To counterbalance this, it's essential to nurture parts of yourself that are separate from your marriage. Pursue beloved hobbies, set personal goals and take time alone for self-reflection. Remember, your relationship can be strengthened when you both maintain a distinct sense of self. Marriage is about complementing each other's lives, not consuming them.

"We've got independent lives and our lives together. You know, we go away together, but we both have separate holidays because we do different things. I go on a cruise, (wife) will go away with her mates. So, I think we've got a nice balance. I think that's why we're still together 20 years on," suggests Dave, age 45.

"I think it's very important to have shared interests, but I also think it's very important to still be your own person. I get a little bit of time to do my own thing and to be just me," adds Isabelle, age 23.

2. You No Longer Make Time For Your Friends

Another indicator of losing yourself in marriage is the shift in your social life, especially if you've stopped spending time with friends or participating in social activities you once enjoyed.

For many married individuals, social dynamics change, often favoring couple-centered activities or socializing with other married friends. However, maintaining independent friendships and spending time apart is crucial to your personal well-being and helps you keep a sense of self outside your marriage.

Many participants in the study expressed feeling socially restricted after marriage, noticing differences in their interactions with friends.

"Before I was married you tend to find that friends would invite you to more things, want to do more, different types of activities, and since you become married, you're almost very limited, 'cause your friends only wanna invite the single people round. So, I find since we have become married it (socializing separately) has become quite limited," mentions Ben.

This gradual distancing can feel isolating, leading married individuals to rely almost exclusively on their spouses and families for social support and connection. While bonding with your partner's social circle can be rewarding, it's important to remember that your friendships play a unique role in enriching your life, offering diverse perspectives and affirming your individuality.

"If I were to go out with my friends back home, I think I would be that little girl I used to be and if I'm going out with my husband's work colleagues, I make sure I keep my mouth shut for 2 hours (laughter)!" shares Fern, age 38, highlighting the importance of having spaces where you can be yourself.

By maintaining outside relationships, you cultivate an identity separate from your role as a spouse, which helps offset feelings of dependency in the marriage, while allowing you to remain close.

"I think that having outside conversations and outside influences, when you come back together you have things to talk about that are different. I think that's beneficial to a relationship," says Caroline, age 48.

If you notice your social life revolving exclusively around your spouse, make the effort to reconnect with your own friends and family members. Organize a get-together, attend events on your own or even set up a standing "friendship night" to maintain these bonds.

Maintaining individuality doesn't mean isolating yourself from your spouse. Instead, it's about finding a healthy balance between togetherness and personal growth. While it's natural for spouses to share parts of themselves with each other, protecting their individuality is essential to prevent feelings of confinement or resentment.

When both partners embrace the "we" without sacrificing the "I," they infuse the relationship with renewed energy, insight and appreciation. This creates a bond that respects, celebrates and strengthens both partners' unique selves for years to come.

Does your couples' identity affect your individual authenticity? Take this science-backed test to learn more: Authenticity In Relationships Scale

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.