2 Reasons Why A 'Couple's Identity' Is A Must-Know Aspect Of A Relationship

Do you think of your relationship in terms of 'we'? Or is it a matter of 'me' and them'? Here's why the former way of thinking is better for your relationship.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | May 23, 2024

A "couple's identity" refers to a sense of "we-ness" or a sense of unity and shared identity that romantic partners develop over time. This encompasses the ways in which partners see themselves not just as individuals but as part of a cohesive unit.

A healthy couple's identity involves developing a strong and unified relationship while maintaining individual identities and avoiding codependency. This balanced interdependence includes mutual support, shared decision-making and respect for personal boundaries.

Couples with a healthy mutual identity encourage each other's personal growth, maintain positive self-worth independent of the relationship and engage in open communication. This dynamic fosters mutual respect and equality, allowing partners to enjoy a deep connection without losing themselves in the process.

According to the Encyclopedia of Couple and Family Therapy, "we-ness develops from three primary unconscious processes: (1) internalizing shared experiences (2) establishing relational patterns and (3) co-creating a relational narrative."

Couples can express their mutual identity in multiple ways, reflecting shared values, interests and traditions that strengthen their bond. This may sound like:

• "Every year, we travel somewhere new for our anniversary."
• "We love hiking and exploring nature together."
• "We always communicate and build each other up."
• "We see ourselves as a driven and ambitious power couple."

Here are two reasons why knowing your couple's identity is beneficial for your relationship.

1. It Strengthens Your Connection

Research shows that having a strong couple's identity can enhance marital satisfaction. Researchers found that couples most often reflected on their shared identity while recalling positive relationship-defining memories. And, when they recalled their we-ness during negative or challenging memories, they were able to focus on their resilience in those moments and experienced greater satisfaction in their relationship.

Additionally, a 2020 study published in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin found that having clarity about your couple's identity is associated with higher levels of commitment to one another and a lower likelihood of breaking up. It is also beneficial when couples agree on what this shared identity is.

"Because people with high couple identity clarity feel that they and their partner more clearly see how they fit together as a couple, they may be better able to see compromises that work for both of them," the researchers explain, highlighting how couple's identity can strengthen a bond, even in the face of challenges.

2. It Inspires Self-Confidence

Being part of a supportive and cohesive unit can encourage individual growth, as partners feel secure in exploring new aspects of themselves within the safety of the relationship.

Research also shows that experiencing higher levels of couple's identity can enhance an individual's confidence in their ability to cope with challenging situations, leading to better psychosocial adjustment.

Together, couples can also learn from each other and engage in self-expansion, which refers to the process through which individuals grow and enhance their personal abilities, perspectives and identities through their interactions with their partner and their shared identity. This enhanced sense of self within the relationship benefits both the individual and the relationship.

However, when expressing couple's identity, it's important to present an authentic image rather than a false one, as this can bury resentment and mask underlying issues. For instance, researchers of a 2024 study found that the narratives couples share about choosing baby names can reveal how they wish to be seen by others.

Researchers caution that despite women often doing more research and negotiating on baby names, men frequently hold more influence over the final decision. Parents then commonly frame their stories to minimize male dominance and depict their couple's identity as more egalitarian than it really is, which hurts the relationship in the long-run.

Instead, remember to create your couple's identity for you and no one else. Nurturing a healthy shared identity involves intentional effort and consistent practices that reinforce honesty, respect and mutual understanding. By embracing authenticity and shared experiences, couples can develop a deep connection that balances unity with individuality.

Cultivating a sense of "we-ness" is an ongoing and dynamic process that requires both partners to continuously engage in self-reflection, communication and mutual support. This helps you both flourish together and as individuals within a loving, balanced and resilient partnership.

Wondering if your couple identity or a lack thereof is influencing your relationship satisfaction? Take this test to find out: Relationship Satisfaction Scale

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.