2 Reasons Why A Narcissist Will Never Commit To A Relationship

To narcissists, the grass is always greener on the other side. Here's how this impacts their relationships.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | October 24, 2024

Narcissism, characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance, a need for excessive admiration and, often, a lack of empathy, has profound effects on romantic relationships. These traits make it difficult for narcissists to form meaningful connections and sustain commitment.

Here are two primary reasons why narcissists struggle with commitment, according to research.

1. They Show A Propensity Toward Infidelity

Narcissists are constantly in search of better romantic alternatives, which makes it hard for them to commit to one partner. Research published in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin highlights that narcissists perceive themselves as having a wealth of romantic options, which is associated with lower levels of commitment.

"Narcissists do not just perceive that they have alternatives to their romantic relationship but actually report attending to and flirting with these alternatives," the researchers write.

Researchers offer several explanations for why narcissists are more inclined to perceive and pursue alternatives. One theory is the "going for the better deal" hypothesis, which posits that they are always on the lookout for a more attractive or higher-status partner.

Another theory is the "narcissists just want to have fun" hypothesis. Narcissists are often sensation-seekers and game players in their romantic pursuits. The thrill of acquiring a new partner can provide a rush of excitement, but their interest often wanes when the relationship deepens or requires more emotional investment.

The third explanation, called the "inflated attractiveness" hypothesis, suggests that narcissists overestimate how many people are interested in them. Their inflated self-image leads them to believe they have endless romantic options, further fueling their lack of commitment. Even in established relationships, narcissists may keep one foot out the door at all times.

Researchers also suggest that narcissists' behavior may possibly stem from a deeper fear of abandonment. Narcissism may act as a psychological defense against the fear of being left alone. By constantly seeking alternatives and refusing to commit, narcissists protect themselves from the vulnerability and potential pain of a deeper emotional bond.

"According to the ancient Greeks, Narcissus's demise stemmed from his constant search for the perfect romantic partner. Narcissus's self-love prevented him from being close to others. This insight appears to hold up in the romantic relationships of today," the researchers write.

Additionally, a 2020 study published in PLOS ONE found that narcissism is associated with lower relationship satisfaction, which in turn is associated with intentions towards infidelity. Researchers suggest that a narcissist's attachment style can fuel their infidelity—specifically, preoccupied, fearful and dismissive attachment styles.

These "insecure" attachment styles are associated with lower emotional security and trust in relationships. As a result, narcissists may engage in infidelity as a way to fulfill their need for admiration and novelty, while avoiding the discomfort of genuine emotional closeness.

2. They Prioritize Superiority Over Emotional Connection

A 2019 study published in Self and Identity found that a narcissist's lower level of commitment may also be associated with wanting to maintain their inflated self-image and fulfill their strong desire for attention and admiration from others.

They may achieve this by devaluing their partners and considering themselves superior to them. This undermines their ability to foster healthy, committed relationships and also makes them more likely to consider alternative romantic partners.

A 2022 study published in the Journal of Research in Personality also suggests that narcissists show very little "partner-enhancement"—the tendency to view one's partner positively and as better than themselves. In healthy relationships, partner-enhancement acts as a buffer against negative feelings during conflict.

"Partner-enhancement may prevent perceiving a partner's intentions as mean or malevolent. Couples who show partner-enhancement cope more effectively with conflicts, use less negative communication and have higher relationship satisfaction. Such couples are also more likely to progress in commitment, moving from dating to engagement and marriage," say co-authors Anna Czarna and Magdalena Śmieja.

However, narcissists indulge in self-enhancement rather than partner-enhancement. They view themselves as exceptional, which makes it difficult for them to value or appreciate their partner in the same way non-narcissists do. Without partner-enhancement, narcissists are more likely to perceive their partner's actions in a negative light, fueling conflict and dissatisfaction in the relationship.

Additionally, narcissists' tendency to compete with their partner further weakens their ability to commit. They tend to crave constant validation and ego boosts, which makes it hard for them to focus on their partner's needs or accomplishments.

Their inability to genuinely celebrate their partner's successes creates a lopsided relationship where the narcissist seeks admiration but offers little in return. This one-sided dynamic erodes the foundation of a committed relationship, which requires mutual respect, admiration and emotional vulnerability.

However, this doesn't mean they're doomed to repeat the same patterns forever. With deep self-reflection and a willingness to work on their vulnerabilities and antagonizing qualities, narcissists can learn to shift their focus to genuine connection. Real change is possible, but it requires conscious, consistent effort and the desire to grow beyond self-serving habits.

Curious whether you show any signs of narcissism? Take this science-backed test to learn more: Narcissism Scale

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.