3 Signs That Your Marriage Is Stronger Than You Think

The following three 'green flags' may seem menial, but they say more about your marriage than what you might think.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | October 21, 2024

When we think of green flags in a marriage, a list of examples may come to mind based on oversaturated media tropes, or from what we've been told marriage should look like. And, certainly, such traits—like good communication, strong boundaries, respect and responsibility—are undeniably valuable. However, our focus on them often overlooks the quieter, more subtle signs of a happy, thriving marriage. These lesser-known indicators can sometimes be the most telling.

Here are three often neglected yet auspicious signs that your marriage is thriving against all odds.

1. You Always Take One Another Into Consideration

According to research from the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, investing in a relationship entails more than what may initially come to mind. By definition, it encompasses "resources that are placed into a relationship that people would lose if their relationship were to end." Indeed, this involves physical investments—shared goods or materials that contribute to the well-being of your relationship, like housing, finances and so on.

But, marital investment goes beyond the physical realm. The same research highlights that these investments also include intangible resources—time, effort and emotional energy that are expended purely for the sake of the other person, or for the relationship itself. In thriving marriages, both tangible and intangible investments become habitual, and may even be made without conscious thought.

When a truly loving spouse goes to the store and sees their partner's favorite snack (even if they think it tastes appalling), they toss it in the cart without thinking. When a truly loving spouse sees or reads something interesting or funny while away, they share it with the other instinctually—typing out a text message before they even realize what they're doing.

In a flourishing marriage, partners naturally keep each other in mind throughout the day, even during the most mundane moments. This intrinsic kind of connection—where love and consideration follow you wherever you go—is one of the most reliable signs that your relationship is built to last.

2. You Still Thank Each Other For The Little Things

Gratitude goes hand-in-hand with investments, but it shouldn't be confused with a simple "thank you" in passing. According to research from the journal Personal Relationships, partners can have a range of internal reactions when their spouse does something kind or thoughtful for them, and these reactions can greatly impact the relationship:

• Indebtedness. Feeling a sense of "I owe them one" after a partner does something nice for them.
• Resentment. Thinking along the lines of, "They probably only did this because they want something in return," after receiving an impromptu gift or favor.
• Genuine gratitude. True appreciation that makes you think, "Wow, that was such a nice thing to do."

According to the researchers, partners who display genuine gratitude in such interactions will experience a palpable increase in relationship satisfaction in the days that follow—and may even feel closer than they did before. Thus, if you find yourself feeling legitimately thankful for your partner on a day-to-day basis—without fear of their kindness having strings attached or feeling as though you're in debt—then your marriage is stronger than you think.

In a truly loving marriage, no job, effort or act is thankless; whether it's a chore completed without asking or simply just being paid a compliment, each act of kindness is appreciated and savored as much as the last—and never taken for granted.

3. You Can Both Look Back And Laugh

Humor, despite being commonly valued as an individualistic trait, plays a surprisingly important role in romantic relationships—both in their formation and maintenance. According to research, humor between partners acts as "a 'secret language' that reinforces their bonding through jokes and happy memories." Notably, however, not all humor contributes equally to a healthy marriage.

The authors place specific emphasis on positive humor as opposed to negative. Positive humor—specifically self-enhancing and affiliative humor—serves to strengthen a relationship. In contrast, self-defeating or aggressive humor can have a negative impact on relationships, especially if used too frequently or harshly. For instance:

• Self-enhancing. Being able to laugh through tough times, or look back at past missteps in humor—not in anger. For instance, sharing a giggle about a silly past fight, or turning a once heated point of contention into an inside joke.
• Affiliative. Using humor for the sake of bringing one another together, such as sharing funny stories, puns, dad-jokes or good-natured pranks—solely to get a laugh out of one another.
• Self-defeating. Making oneself the butt of the joke through self-deprecation or irony. Will occasionally elicit a good laugh, but may become concerning if repetitive.
• Aggressive. A more edgy form of wit, usually used to embellish what would otherwise be an unamusing—such as sarcasm, irony or ridicule. While it certainly can be funny, it also has the potential to hurt others' feelings.

Knowing exactly what it takes to crack your partner up is a thoughtful and concerted endeavor that should never go unnoticed. Similarly, it requires grace to be able to look back at past struggles and share a chuckle over it together. The continual effort it takes to create moments of shared laughter and to turn past difficulties into lighthearted memories shouldn't be underestimated. Naturally, if a marriage is littered with such moments of self-enhancing and affiliative humor, there's no need to question its strength—nor its longevity.

Is your marriage thriving, or just surviving? Take this science-backed test to see how you stack up: Marital Satisfaction Scale

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.