This therapist's perspective reveals why less hype can mean more intimacy.
How Skipping Valentine's Day Might Actually Strengthen Your Relationship
When couples prioritize authentic rituals over cultural pressure, connection often feels more genuine and fulfilling.
By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | Last Updated:
Every February 14th, the world fills with heart-shaped balloons, exorbitantly priced roses, chocolates and hard-to-snag restaurant bookings. Most couples participate in this annual tradition, thinking that they too want to experience the giddy joy of Valentine's day. But what if skipping Valentine's Day altogether, or treating it as just another day, could actually make couples happier?
Emerging research suggests that couples who sidestep the commercial machine of Valentine's Day may benefit by leaning into personally meaningful rituals and intrinsic motivations instead of externally imposed expectations and material rewards.
(Take my fun and science-inspired Romantic Personality Quiz to know if you show your love through grand gestures or through grounded, thoughtful rituals.)
Here are two reasons why ignoring Valentine's Day can correlate with greater relational happiness, according to research.
1. Valentine's Day Might Lack Shared Meaning For Couples
Valentine's Day, in its modern form, has become as much a market product as a cultural celebration of love. Consumer research shows that the holiday is saturated with commercialization and material expectations, from greeting card exchanges to luxury gifts, which can overshadow the personal meaning of shared affection itself.
At its core, Valentine's Day functions as a commercial ritual. It's an event shaped not by shared meaning that couples create themselves, but by market cues that dictate how one should express love. This can impose pressure rather than enhance satisfaction, particularly for partners with different expectations or values around gift-giving.
In contrast, couple-specific rituals, or small, recurrent practices that both partners value, are strongly linked with relationship satisfaction. Routines and rituals, whether daily or occasional, foster emotional closeness and shared identity between partners. These meaningful acts, like sharing morning coffee together or ending each day with a genuine acknowledgment of the other, help sustain positive emotions and connection.
These rituals are emotionally significant precisely because they are created and maintained by the couple, not imposed by a holiday schedule. Rituals signal commitment, meaning and mutual understanding that is intrinsic and, therefore, goes beyond socially-mandated dinner reservations or boxed chocolates.
The key insight here is that personal rituals signal relational value from within, whereas commercialized holidays signal value from outside. Couples who allow their own rituals, not store-bought expectations, to define how they show care may experience deeper intimacy and happiness.
2. Valentine's Day's Extrinsic Pressure Undermines Couples' Intrinsic Motivation
A second, equally important reason some couples may be happier when they downplay Valentine's Day lies in how motivation works within human relationships.
Psychologists distinguish between intrinsic motivation (behaviors driven by internal satisfaction and personal values) and extrinsic motivation (behaviors driven by external rewards, recognition or pressure).
This distinction is foundational in Self-Determination Theory (SDT), which argues that intrinsic motivation is closely tied to well-being and psychological health, while extrinsic motivation can undermine internal satisfaction.
In the context of romantic relationships, this means that couples who express love because it feels authentic and personally meaningful, rather than to meet an externally imposed standard, naturally experience greater satisfaction.
In other words, when individuals pursue goals that are intrinsic (e.g., nurturing connection or supporting each other's growth), their basic psychological needs of autonomy, relatedness and competence are better met. And these needs are key predictors of relationship quality.
In contrast, focusing on extrinsic goals, such as expensive gifts, public displays or socially expected gestures, can detract from genuine connection because they emphasize outcomes over shared experience.
Valentine's Day, as we know, often fosters extrinsic motivations: the need to "perform" romance according to cultural norms, to give the right gift or to make the "perfect" plans. While these efforts may produce momentary pleasure, they can inadvertently shift the focus away from the everyday, intrinsic reasons partners value each other.
However, ignoring the holiday allows couples to avoid that motivation trap entirely, focusing instead on moments and practices they genuinely enjoy.
Why Some Couples Thrive Without Valentine's Day
Putting the two strands of ritual and motivation together helps explain why couples who skip Valentine's Day celebrations might be happier. They focus on relationship rituals that matter to them, not what the market forces are influencing them to value.
By choosing their own rituals, couples reinforce their unique bond and shared narrative. These private routines are more deeply tied to relationship satisfaction than externally dictated celebrations. Their expressions of love come from within rather than from outside pressures.
Intrinsic motivations, like showing affection because it feels right, are linked with higher overall well-being and stronger relationship functioning. External pressures like matching a "Valentine standard" can undermine the authenticity of the gesture.
It's important to clarify that research does not suggest that Valentine's Day damages relationships universally. For some couples, especially those who enjoy the holiday, the reminders and shared experiences can bring joy. For individuals with low avoidance attachment styles, reminders of the relationship on Valentine's Day can elevate relationship perceptions.
That said, the pressure to conform to a commercialized script, with its implicit measurement of love through spending and external performance, can have the opposite effect for others. This is especially true for couples who feel mismatched in their values or expectations.
How To Decentre Valentine's Day As A Couple
If you and your partner are considering ignoring Valentine's Day, or at least reframing it, the research suggests a few alternatives that may boost satisfaction:
- Invent or reinforce your own rituals. Weekly check-ins, shared hobbies or small traditions that matter to both of you create meaning that's personal and lasting.
- Prioritize intrinsic reasons for connection. Ask yourselves questions like, "Why do we want to express love today?" If answers stem from internal values, connection is stronger than if they come from external expectations.
- Avoid the comparison trap. Commercial holidays invite comparison, to ads, to friends and to cultural ideals. Focusing inward helps avoid these distractions.
Skipping, or reframing, Valentine's Day is more than just defying a holiday. It's about clarifying why you love the person you love, and letting your relationship's rhythm and motivations come from you rather than a commercial calendar.
Couples who build and maintain their own meaningful traditions enjoy deeper connection and satisfaction. And psychological evidence on intrinsic versus extrinsic motivation reveals that love felt from the inside has more staying power than love performed for an audience.
So, whether you choose to ignore the hallmarks of Valentine's Day or simply reinterpret them on your own terms, the happiest couples tend to be those who anchor their relationship in meaningful rituals and intrinsic connection first, commercial expectations, second.
Take my science-inspired Soulmate Test to know how connected you feel to your partner (not just on Valentine's Day, but throughout the year.)
Then, take the research-informed Relationship Satisfaction Scale to know which rituals to prioritize, on and after Valentine's day too.