A Therapist Gives 4 Pieces Of Advice To Help You Find And Keep Your Soulmate

Here’s a snapshot of what the love landscape looks like in today's day and age, and how to find your place in it.

By Jourdan Travers, LCSW | January 6, 2023

The world of dating and romance is changing rapidly and it only makes sense to change with it.

For instance, who could have predicted that we would be relying less on chance and more on AI algorithms to find our special someone? Or that we would have to vet our partner thoroughly for 'red flags' and 'toxicity' before locking them down?

To stay current, it's important to listen to the experts. Here are four research-backed pieces of relationship and partnering advice to keep in mind when looking for a partner in 2023.

#1. Craft your best dating profile

When it comes to online dating, the experts' verdict is unanimous – an authentic and high-quality dating profile is your holy grail. Fortunately, it isn't that complicated to create one. According to dating expert Blaine Anderson, online dating is a teachable skill.

Anderson gives you three simple but effective tips to optimize your dating profile:

  1. Invest in high-quality pictures. We underestimate the value of having quality pictures that show off our best features. Since looks are the first thing that potential suitors notice, it's important to put your best foot forward.
  2. Market yourself well. Don't let the app 'prompts' dictate how you curate your life and personality on your profile. Consider what you would want your potential partner to know about you. Be original.
  3. Don't let it get to you. Failure at finding matches is not a reflection of your value as a partner. It just means you need to reassess and explore a different direction – like trying out a new app, revamping your profile, or getting professional help.

#2. Find an 'intellectual match'

We often overvalue appearance, material success, and social prestige in potential partners. While these factors do play a role in determining compatibility, they generally don't matter as much as factors such as intellectual compatibility.

Research suggests that relationships that are rooted in intellectual connections tend to last longer. Most men and women consider attractiveness a relevant factor for a short-term partner and intelligence a desirable quality for long-term relationships.

Finding your intellectual match can ensure that your relationship has high-quality communication and is conducive to your growth as an individual.

"Intelligence does not fade like looks," explains dating expert Emma Hathorn. "Conversations are more interesting with a partner whose mind fascinates you. To feel fulfilled by even a mundane chat is an expansive and satisfying experience for anybody and can turn your day-to-day into something extraordinary."

Here's how you can go about finding your intellectual match:

  1. Don't just rely on indicators like degrees or a cushy job. Find someone who actually matches your wavelength. The time and effort you invest in finding someone who can keep up with you will be well worth the effort.
  2. Dig deep into like-minded communities. Get specific about what you are looking for, reconnect with your college circle, or try joining an interesting club or community of your choice. When looking for something specific, casting a wide net might actually be counterproductive.
  3. Use technology to your advantage. Move away from a general approach and get up close and personal with your dating app profile. Be original, authentic, and give clear signals about what you are looking for in a partner.

#3. Mindfulness can unlock your relationship's potential

We often limit the potential of mindfulness to our meditation practices or mental well-being. However, according to research, a mindful approach can enhance our romantic life.

Therapist Tasha Seiter explains that being in an interpersonally and sexually mindful relationship with your partner can create a positive 'giving' feedback loop in your relationship. Her research describes five elements of a mindful relationship:

  1. Presence
  2. Emotional awareness
  3. Non-reactivity in conflict
  4. Compassion for your partner
  5. Compassion for yourself

Developing these qualities within yourself and your relationship takes effort, time, and trust. Here are a few ways you can increase the level of mindfulness in your relationship:

  1. Tune in. Spending time with your partner should not be a passive exercise. Being present requires you to lean in completely, get curious, and be completely open and vulnerable with them as well.
  2. Develop emotional awareness with your partner. Trying to sit with and understand your partner's feelings is generally better than trying to resolve them or move past them. Not giving your emotional states the attention they deserve can lead to issues in the future.
  3. Cultivate acceptance and compassion in your relationship. Even the best relationships go through rough patches. Developing a foundation of compassion and understanding can ensure that no matter what happens, your partner will know that you are on the same team.
  4. Look at sex as more than just a physical experience. Learn to be present and curious in the bedroom. Explore each other's vulnerabilities, desires, and fantasies. View emotional intimacy as the goal of sex instead of orgasm.

#4. Experimentation is the key to longevity

Humans thrive in long-term relationships because it fulfills our need for security, trust, and stability. But do we always have to give up our desire for sexual novelty and finding new connections to maintain our primary relationships?

Sex researcher and NYU professor Zhana Vrangalova says not really. In fact, according to her research, our society is slowly but surely moving towards an era of negotiated non-monogamy or 'open relationships'.

But inviting a 'third' into one's monogamous relationship may not be everyone's cup of tea. And in such cases, Vrangalova urges people not to focus on the non-monogamy per se, but the spirit of experimentation.

You can also experiment with the structure and boundaries of your long-term, monogamous relationship by inviting the 'shadow of the third' into it. This could include:

  • Sharing your sexual fantasies with each other openly. Be it kinks, scenarios, power play, or multiple person fantasies, even the act of sharing your fantasies can invigorate one's relationship.
  • Engaging in shared porn consumption. This can help couples live out their fantasies in a safe, virtual space.
  • Going to 'play parties.' This could normalize the presence of other people in a space that was previously limited to the two of you. You don't have to participate, according to Vrangalova, just watching can be an illuminating experience for the relationship.

Bonus tip: Long-distance relationships can be long term too

Long-distance relationships are no longer exceptional, especially after the pandemic. However, the challenge couples face in a long-distance relationship still haven't been adequately addressed.

According to psychologist Danielle Weber's research published in Couple and Family Psychology, relationship 'jet lag' is one such challenge. Relationship jet lag is the awkward transition period a couple goes through when moving back and forth between periods of union and separation.

If your long-distance relationship is suffering because of this, Weber gives you two tips to tackle it effectively:

  1. Know what makes you lag. Does the idea of separation make you sad and distant? Or does the pressure of union make you anxious and jittery? Understanding the root of your lag can help you be intentional about your transitions from one phase to another, instead of powering through every single time.
  2. Include lag time into your schedule. This will help you avoid stressors around your sensitive in-between transition periods. Try to take a day off work or arrange an activity to take your mind off the transition completely. This will make sure that your transition goes as smoothly as possible.