5 Questions To Ask Yourself Before Going Back To Your Ex
Reconciliations can be challenging. Do not let nostalgia blind you to the potential challenges.
By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | June 20, 2023
Many individuals find themselves contemplating the idea of reuniting with their former partner, particularly when loneliness sets in or the failure of subsequent relationships becomes apparent.
Reconciling after a breakup can present numerous challenges. To start, it involves grappling with complex emotions and assessing the prospects of a viable and fulfilling future as a couple.
Before seriously considering the possibility of rekindling a romantic connection with your ex, it is paramount that you carefully reflect upon the situation.
Here are five essential questions that can serve as guiding factors in making a well-informed decision.
#1. What is your motivation for reconciling?
Do you want to reconcile because you are lonely or because the other situation didn't work out?
Loneliness can often cloud our judgment, leading us to seek companionship even when it's not be optimal for our well-being.
Psychologist Zsófia Csajbók, lead author of a study published in Personality and Individual Differences about relationship red flags, states that being clear about what you need and what you cannot tolerate in your partner can save you a lot of heartache in your future relationships.
"We can easily slip into a relationship to avoid being alone," says Csajbók.
To ensure a healthy reconciliation, it is vital to:
- Pause and reflect on whether your desire to reconcile originates from genuine emotions towards your ex-partner or if it is merely a fleeting longing for emotional connection.
- Ensure that you are in a mentally and emotionally stable place in your life. It is possible that the pangs of longing you might be feeling for your partner are simply a yearning for stability, comfort, or familiarity.
#2. Can both of you articulate your role in the initial breakup and address the issues?
For a solid, reconciled foundation, both parties must be willing to take responsibility for their past actions and contribute to positive change. Instead of rushing back into the relationship, take the time to evaluate whether your ex-partner can effectively articulate their role in the dissolution of the past relationship. Look for signs that they take responsibility for their actions and are willing to make positive changes.
Assess the situation by asking yourself:
- Are you both able to identify specific problem areas, such as communication breakdowns, trust issues, or incompatible lifestyles?
- Is your partner sincerely willing to work on themselves and the relationship?
A well-thought-out plan demonstrates commitment to personal development and a willingness to invest effort in rebuilding trust and establishing a healthier dynamic.
#3. Was the breakup based on a deal-breaker?
Deal-breakers encompass essential issues or values that are non-negotiable in a relationship. These can involve trust, respect, compatibility, and shared values. Take the time to reflect on whether your fall out with your former partner was because of a deal-breaker. If so, can the issues genuinely be addressed and resolved? Can you move forward with a renewed sense of trust and alignment?
Consider the following:
- Think whether the fundamental aspects that were compromised were some of your core values and expectations in a relationship. This will prevent you from rushing back to your partner and realizing later that you have not really forgiven or changed your mind about them.
- Reflect on whether you and your ex can rebuild a renewed sense of trust and alignment on these deal-breaking factors. Falling back in love with someone you view as a 'perpetrator' is a twisted expectation. It is best to reach a consensus about the issue instead of turning it into a landmine that neither of you can venture close to.
Research published in the Journal of Divorce and Remarriage suggests that introspection can help you gain new perspectives and identify areas for personal improvement. Honest introspection will help you assess whether the relationship can move forward.
#4. Are there recurring patterns and dynamics that may re-emerge?
Closely examine the patterns and dynamics of your past relationship. Did you both avoid confrontation? Did you use sex to avoid difficult conversations and get your way?
Identifying any recurring issues or conflicts that may have contributed to the breakup can help you craft replacement behaviors aimed at breaking those patterns. Here are a couple of questions you can ask yourself to identify your unhealthy cycles:
- Would the reconciliation perpetuate an unhealthy pattern or break it?
- Are there communication breakdowns, unresolved conflicts, or unhealthy power dynamics that can only be tapped into or mediated by a qualified professional?
Recognizing the potential pitfalls and being honest about the likelihood of positive change is essential. If you choose to reconcile, enter the process with open eyes and a willingness to address the challenges head-on. Remember, reconciling without addressing underlying issues can trap you in a cycle of repeated disappointments.
#5. Have you both grown individually since the breakup?
Before reconciling, take some time to notice if there is any individual growth and progress that has transpired for both of you since the breakup. Has your partner's approach towards sensitive conversations changed? Have you worked on becoming more honest?
Assess whether each of you has taken the opportunity to reflect on the past and learn from mistakes.
Personal growth is an important factor to consider when contemplating reconciliation. One study that examined remarriages with ex-spouses showed that greater empathy and willingness to take responsibility facilitated positive changes in the relationships of those who remarried their exes. Therefore:
- Ask yourself whether both you and your ex-partner have demonstrated tangible signs of growth and a genuine commitment to positive change.
- Celebrate the progress made and carefully think whether it aligns with your vision for a reconciled relationship that nurtures growth and mutual fulfillment.