4 Dangers Of 'Doorknob Moments' In Relationships—And How To Overcome Them

Why do we always wait for the very last moment to speak our truths? According to psychological research, these 'doorknob moments' can be highly detrimental.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | February 18, 2025

You're about to leave the room, reaching for the door handle or wrapping up a phone call when your partner suddenly says, "Hey, I don't know if I'm happy anymore."

This is a classic doorknob moment—when someone drops an important, emotional truth just as the conversation is ending. It could be something smaller, like "I've been feeling distant from you," or something life-changing, like "I'm not sure I see a future for us." Either way, it leaves both partners wondering: Why do we wait until the very last moment to say what really matters?

Why Do We Hold Back?

Doorknob moments aren't accidental. They stem from discomfort, unprocessed emotions and a desire to avoid confrontation. Here's why we hold back until the very last second.

1. Fear of conflict. Difficult conversations can feel overwhelming, and many people struggle with confrontation. If we anticipate a strong reaction—whether it's anger, defensiveness or tears—we may unconsciously time our disclosure in a way that limits the other person's ability to fully respond.

Research on conversational agency shows that people navigate the constraints of conversation—like timing, context and the need for cooperation—by finding ways to speak without fully confronting the emotional weight of what they are saying.

This is reflected in the pattern of doorknob moments, where someone might casually bring up dissatisfaction in a relationship just as they're leaving: "I don't know if I'm happy anymore… Anyway, I have to go. Let's talk later."

While this may feel like a safer option, researchers suggest that these "imperfect" strategies prevent real communication and leave issues unresolved. In the long run, they undermine the chance for deeper connection and cooperative problem-solving.

2. We haven't fully processed it yet. Sometimes, we don't realize what's really on our minds until we start talking. We discuss surface-level topics—weekend plans, household chores, minor annoyances—and then, at the last moment, something deeper bubbles up.

It's like our subconscious is working in the background, slowly piecing together what's truly bothering us. By the time we're about to leave, our mind finally puts the puzzle together and pushes the thought out.

For instance, after an entire conversation about work and daily stress, a partner might suddenly say: "I feel like we've been distant lately." They may not have even realized this was weighing on them until just then. But because the moment is rushed, the issue lingers without resolution.

3. A need for emotional safety. Bringing up difficult topics makes us vulnerable. If we fear rejection, criticism or an emotionally charged response, we may instinctively look for an escape route. A doorknob moment provides just that—by bringing up something serious at the very last second, we create space between ourselves and the immediate emotional consequences.

Research on self-protection in relationships suggests that when people feel uncertain or at risk, they may instinctively withdraw, downplay issues or create emotional distance to shield themselves from potential hurt.

While this can feel like a safeguard, a 2013 study shows that using self-protection in low-risk relationships—where trust and stability exist—can actually erode long-term satisfaction. In the same way, relying on last-minute disclosures as a way to test the waters may provide short-term relief but ultimately weakens open communication.

For example, someone afraid of admitting dissatisfaction in their relationship might say as they're about to end a call: "I don't feel like you really listen to me anymore… Anyway, I have a meeting. We'll talk later." This creates an emotional buffer, allowing them to share without feeling fully exposed. However, by holding back in this way, they unintentionally reinforce distance rather than building the emotional safety they seek.

4. Hoping it will resolve itself. We sometimes tell ourselves that if something were truly important, it would come up naturally. But in reality, the hardest conversations rarely feel like they have the perfect time to surface. They require intentional space—something many of us avoid creating out of discomfort.

By delaying a conversation, we hope the issue will fade away or resolve itself without direct confrontation. But relationship concerns rarely disappear on their own. Instead, they grow heavier the longer they remain unspoken.

For example, a partner might feel resentful about always being the one to plan date nights but hesitates to bring it up. Instead of addressing it directly, they might mutter: "I guess I'll just plan something again… like always." This passive remark hints at deeper frustration, but without a direct conversation, the resentment continues to build.

How Doorknob Moments Hurt Relationships

Doorknob moments may feel like a way to ease into tough conversations, but they often erode trust and emotional security. Dropping serious concerns in passing leaves no room for real discussion, allowing issues to fester and resentment to grow.

Instead of resolving small frustrations, these unfinished conversations create emotional distance, leaving both partners feeling unheard. Over time, constantly bringing up heavy topics at the last moment can create anxiety, making one partner brace for the next emotional bombshell. This unpredictability can lead to avoidance, causing both partners to shut down emotionally rather than address lingering tensions.

How To Move Past Doorknob Moments

If you or your partner tend to bring up difficult topics at the last possible moment, it's important to recognize this pattern and shift toward more intentional communication. Here's how you can create a healthier dialogue and build deeper emotional trust in your relationship.

1. Pause. Doorknob moments often happen because we don't check in with ourselves before a conversation ends. To break this habit, take a moment before parting ways—whether it's before leaving for work, hanging up a call or ending a date—to ask yourself:

• Am I holding something back?
• Is there something I've been avoiding but need to say?
• Will I regret not bringing this up now?

This small pause allows you to recognize unspoken thoughts before they turn into last-minute confessions. If you do realize you're holding something in, consider whether it's the right time to discuss it or if it would be better to set aside dedicated time later.

2. Make space. Instead of waiting for moments of emotional tension to force a discussion, proactively schedule time for honest check-ins. This could take the form of:

• A weekly or monthly "relationship check-in." Set aside time to talk about any lingering thoughts, feelings or concerns in a calm and supportive setting. This creates an open space for communication rather than relying on sporadic, emotionally charged moments.
• Daily emotional touchpoints. Ask each other, "How are we doing?" or "Is there anything we need to talk about?" over dinner, before bed or during a quiet moment in your day.
• Using journaling or shared notes. If verbal conversations feel daunting, consider writing down thoughts and sharing them with your partner in a way that invites discussion without pressure.

3. Speak up earlier. A 2022 study highlights why people often avoid addressing grievances, citing reasons like distancing from emotional pain, expressing frustration indirectly or fearing conflict.

While these strategies may feel protective in the moment, they ultimately create confusion and anxiety in relationships rather than resolving issues. Instead of waiting until emotions boil over or resorting to silence, practice acknowledging discomfort and addressing concerns head-on. If something feels hard to bring up, try saying:

• "I'm struggling to put this into words, but I don't want to wait until the last second to say it."
• "This is a little uncomfortable for me, but I think it's important we talk about it."
• "I've been holding this in, but I know it's better to talk about it now than to let it build up."

This direct approach normalizes open communication and helps both partners feel safer expressing their thoughts without hesitation.

4. Gently redirect. If your partner has a habit of dropping heavy statements right before leaving, instead of letting the conversation end abruptly, guide it toward a more constructive space. Here's how you can respond:

• Validate and slow things down. "That sounds important—let's not rush this. Can we talk more about it?"
• Show that you care. "I hear you. Let's make time for this conversation soon."
• Encourage real discussion. "I don't want this to feel like an afterthought. Can we sit down and really talk?"

This response lets your partner know that their thoughts and feelings are valid while also creating a better environment for meaningful conversations.

Take this science-backed test to see if you're showing up authentically in your relationship or leaving your most important words at the door: Authenticity In Relationships Scale

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.