3 Ways For Men To Avoid Falling Into The Modern 'Stoicism Trap'

Emotional strength does not lie in concealing your emotions. Here's why men often believe this, and why it needs to be renounced.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | July 30, 2024

Everyday conversations with the men in our lives sometimes strictly revolve around money, expenses, signing report cards, providing transportation and paying bills. These are inevitable practicalities we all navigate. But beyond these logistics lies the emotional realm that often remains unexplored in relationships with men. Think about it, when was the last time you had a deep emotional conversation with your father, boyfriend, brother, or male colleague?

In today's gender landscape, as suggested by research, men are often expected to embody "stoicism, competitiveness, dominance, and aggression," which can have detrimental effects on their lives.And while society rewards them for exhibiting these characteristics, the hidden costs of donning this persona usually go unaddressed.

The Dilemma Of The Modern Stoic

Stoicism, founded in ancient Greece by Zeno of Citium, advocated virtue and reason as paths to a tranquil life, emphasizing emotional balance, self-control, virtue, resilience and rationality.

Central to the stoic way of life is the "dichotomy of control"—a principle delineating that we can only control our responses to events, not the events themselves. This philosophy encourages acceptance of what we cannot control, aiming to bring peace of mind and focus on what we can influence.

However, over time, Stoicism has been misinterpreted, influenced heavily by stereotypical gender roles. The modern misinterpretation often bolsters the "men don't cry" rhetoric, equating emotional suppression with strength. This misreading contradicts the Stoic principle of managing rather than denying emotions.

A reddit user, throwing light on the shortcomings of this philosophy, confessed:

"It's completely all or nothing all the time as far as emotions. Either you are taken up by a strong emotion or you are at peace and thus virtuous. What this ignores is that emotions themselves function as attention signals. When you are sad, you feel a loss, when you are angry you feel an injustice, when you are happy, then you're noticing something good about the world. These feelings motivate action, either to fix a problem or to move toward something better."

The irony is clearest when Stoicism, a philosophy geared toward intelligent emotional regulation—limits men from fully embracing essential feelings in social interactions due to false usage and misinterpretation. Originally tailored for extreme emotional crises like wars and used primarily by defense personnel, its indiscriminate application in everyday life can sometimes seem mismatched and unnecessary. The false interpretation of being stoic at all times can leave men emotionally vulnerable and impulsive.

For centuries, the philosophy employed by nations included skill-based training, but due to misinformation, it has now become a psychological trap for men, often leading them into a perpetual internal conflict.

Rebuilding Positive Masculinity With Stoicism

The key to reconfiguring your relationship with stoicism and your emotional self is acceptance. Recognize your emotions to challenge the false notion that masculinity means hiding or running away from your feelings. True strength is in accepting, understanding and managing your emotions healthily.

Emotions are akin to seasons—just as you can't prevent rain during a monsoon, you can't entirely control your emotions. Instead, Stoic principles suggest carrying an umbrella—focusing on what you can control through self-reflection, mindfulness and fostering healthier emotional responses. Begin with these three steps:

1. Express emotions regularly. Finding healthy outlets for your emotions is essential. Expressing emotions through open conversation can significantly reduce stress and improve mental health. If direct conversation feels difficult, even talking to a pet or nurturing a plant can help alleviate emotional burdens, as suggested by research. Regularly scheduled emotional check-ins and sharing happy experiences with loved ones can further contribute to sustained mental well-being by fostering self-awareness and connection.

2. Balance rationality and emotions. In life, we often face situations requiring emotionally sensitive decisions. For example, when your child expresses distress after not winning a tournament they hoped to succeed in, advising them to be strong and not cry may not be helpful. Instead, showing empathy, listening to their experience, and acknowledging their effort can provide comfort and help them process the disappointment more effectively and learn from failure. Studies support that integrating emotions with decision-making processes enhances overall well-being.

3. Engage in cathartic activities. Physical and creative activities provide powerful outlets for emotions like anger, frustration and guilt. Engaging in sports or artistic pursuits can help vent these feelings healthily. Research shows that physical activity and creative expression significantly reduce stress and improve emotional regulation. Whether it's the rush of a competitive game or the immersion in a creative project, these activities offer immediate emotional relief and long-term benefits.

Reinterpreting Stoicism to align with its original intent can help men build healthier relationships and a more balanced emotional life. Understanding that emotions are natural and finding appropriate ways to express them can lead to true emotional strength and resilience. By integrating the authentic principles of Stoicism into daily life, men can redefine masculinity, breaking free from harmful stereotypes and fostering genuine emotional well-being.

Understanding the true tenets of Stoicism requires emotional intelligence. Take the Emotional Quotient Inventory to know where you stand and if you need professional support.

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here, and on PsychologyToday.com, here.