3 Signs That Your Relationship Is Spiraling Out Of Control

Do you feel like your relationship is spiraling downwards? Here's three ways for you and your partner to regain control.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | April 05, 2024

Many people come to therapy feeling like their relationship cogs are jammed by multiple unaddressed issues. They say things like:

• "We always end up fighting about something or the other. Why doesn't a single conversation go the way we want it to?"
• "I feel like I don't know her anymore. How am I supposed to communicate effectively with someone around whom I have to constantly walk on eggshells?"
• "I am always dreading what will go wrong next. Is this normal or are we headed for a painful breakup?"

Here are three indicators to recognize if your relationship is in a tumultuous phase—and how you can go about diagnosing and treating it.

1. Frequently Arguing About Significant Issues

You might find yourself getting into never-ending arguments that are dragged out over a few days. Regular quarrels with your partner can be a sign of grave trouble for a deteriorating relationship.

A 2021 study concluded that the topic couples argue about the most causes them significant distress. The study identifies the most common conflict topics in a relationship to be communication, personal or partner habits, household chores, finances, parenting and sex. Research suggests that some conflict issues exert a more deleterious impact than others.

Not only do parenting, intimacy and finance-based arguments lead to lower relationship satisfaction, they are also accompanied by dysfunctional patterns. These patterns include ignoring one's partner's thoughts and feelings, withdrawing from the conversation, getting defensive and leaving the issue unresolved.

Frequently arguing with your partner about these issues can leave an indelible mark on your relationship. The dysfunctional responses in the face of these recurring quarrels can leave you feeling stuck on a hamster wheel.

2. Engaging In Ineffective Communication Styles

Making use of damaging communication styles can be a ticking bomb for your relationship. A study published in Frontiers in Psychology identified two forms of communication between couples:

• Accommodation. Communicating during conflicts either constructively or destructively.
• Capitalization. Responding constructively or destructively to the disclosure of good news by a partner.

In the accommodation model, two types of responses decrease relationship satisfaction:

• Active-destructive. In this approach, an individual actively tries to ruffle feathers or make things worse due to feelings of being wronged or vengeance. For example, the individual threatens to leave after the significant other raises their voice at them after a hectic day at work.
• Passive-destructive. In this approach, an individual ignores the partner and the problem. For example, the individual gives their partner the silent treatment and goes on a long walk without informing them of their whereabouts.

In the capitalization model, these two responses undermine relationship satisfaction:

• Active-destructive. In this scenario, an individual criticizes and invalidates their partner's good news. For example, the individual finds a problem with the partner's promotion.
• Passive-destructive. In this scenario, an individual shows disinterest and changes the topic of discussion. For example, the individual doesn't pay attention when the partner talks about their big bonus and eventual plans of buying a car.

Your relationship might be in a precarious state if you and your partner predominantly engage in these destructive communication patterns. Such destructive responses block conflict resolution, hamper connection and can deter you from sharing good news.

3. Setting Discordant Personal Goals

A 2023 study published in Current Psychology finds that partners' inharmonious goals can have detrimental effects on relationships. Individuals provide less support to their significant other when their personal goals are incongruent with the needs of the relationship.

If both partners' goals cannot be achieved simultaneously or if the goals trigger a relationship threat, it can lead to conflict wherein either or both partners might find reason to withhold or revoke support.

Feeling supported by your partner is a crucial need and its absence can leave you feeling bereft and alienated. Consequently, differences in life goals may be a signal that your relationship is due for a "relationship audit."

When ongoing conflicts, destructive communication patterns and silent red flags begin to dominate the interactions, it may be a sign that your relationship is spiraling downwards. It is crucial for you and your partner to recognize these signs and actively work toward resolving these issues. By adopting effective conflict resolution strategies, practicing constructive communication and being open to compromise and change, it is possible to turn the tide and rebuild a healthy, strong relationship.

Wondering if you and your partner share a dysfunctional style of conflict resolution? Take this psychological assessment to find out: Ineffective Arguing Inventory

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.