3 Reasons Why You Need A 'Chosen Family'—And How To Find One

Research reveals how 'chosen families' can help you fight loneliness. Here's how you can build one.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | November 11, 2024

Loneliness is a growing public health concern in the U.S, with a recent APA poll revealing that 30% of adults—that's one in three—feel lonely at least once a week, while 10% experience loneliness every day. Younger adults and singles are disproportionately affected, highlighting the complexities of modern social dynamics despite the widespread use of technology to foster greater connection.

One contributing factor to the loss of connection is the breakdown of family ties—Dr. Karl Pillemer, in his 2020 book Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them, shares that 27% of Americans, approximately 68 million people, are estranged from a family member, with 10% reporting estrangement from a parent or child.

One promising avenue to recover from such a sense of isolation is to build your "chosen family."

What Is A Chosen Family?

At some point in their lives, many individuals envision a future spent alongside a close-knit circle of friends—free from the constraints of controlling family dynamics or institutional rules. In this ideal scenario, they are surrounded by those who truly understand and support them, people who have remained steadfast through every challenge and triumph in their lives.

A chosen family, also known as a "found family," refers to a deliberate community of individuals who offer mutual love, care and support, transcending traditional definitions of family rooted in biology or marriage.

"Family to me is the core of someone's life. It's where someone feels they belong, where someone feels they're comfortable, it's where someone feels they can trust their lives and not worry about anything. So, it might not be biological, it might be circumstantial depending on the situation where you are," explains a gay participant from a 2021 study published in Healthcare.

The study explores the concept of family and chosen families among LGBTQ+ refugees, focusing on how these concepts contribute to their well-being and adjustment in a new environment. Chosen families are especially common in the LGBTQIA+ community, where individuals often face rejection from biological families who are unwilling to accept their identities.

In fact, chosen families transcend any single demographic, serving as a powerful source of belonging for people across all walks of life—whether they are estranged from biological relatives, have lost family members or simply seek greater emotional support than their current relationships can provide.

Peter, aged 31, from Brooklyn, shared with Healthline how, after losing his biological family in a car crash, he found solace in a synagogue's grieving group. Over the past 15 years, these connections have grown into his chosen family, with whom he now celebrates every Jewish holiday.

These families reject rigid, nuclear roles in favor of relationships built on shared experiences and mutual care—whether through lifelong friendships, caring partnerships or intergenerational connections.

Chosen families offer a sanctuary where individuals can embrace their authentic selves and experience a sense of belonging that grows through life's complexities and celebrations alike.

The Cost Of Loneliness And The Importance Of A Chosen Family

The costs of loneliness extend beyond emotional distress. A 2021 study published in the International Journal of Public Health found that loneliness is associated with higher healthcare expenditures due to both mental and physical health complications.

Lonely individuals are more likely to experience chronic health issues, such as cardiovascular disease and weakened immune function, which contribute to heightened psychological distress. Among younger adults aged 19–40, the impact is especially severe, with loneliness accounting for 61.8% of the overall association with mental health expenses.

For many, traditional relationships may fail to provide the necessary support and protect against the effects of isolation.

Here are three reasons why your chosen family can offer what many can't:

• Romantic pursuits may falter as partners struggle with unmet expectations, emotional disconnection or differences in long-term goals.
• Friendships may become increasingly superficial, either due to busy schedules, lack of meaningful time together or the tendency to engage in performative friendship—where factors such as social comparison and status take precedence over genuine connection.
• Familial bonds may fracture over time when personal values and individual growth diverge, leading to emotional distance, unresolved conflicts or unmet familial expectations.

Whatever the reason, one can choose to cultivate relationships that offer genuine connection. The concept of a chosen family centers around finding mutual support and kinship in people who make you feel safe, accepted and loved.

These are the connections that honor your values, allow you to embrace your authentic self and offer wholehearted support, fostering belonging in a way traditional relationships sometimes cannot.

How To Find Your Chosen Family

Finding your chosen family is an intentional process, requiring time, effort and patience. It begins by engaging with people who share your values and interests, gradually building relationships rooted in mutual care and trust. These bonds flourish through being consistently and truly present in each other's lives and engaging in acts of reciprocity—caring for others as much as they care for you.

This could involve joining communities aligned with your passions, such as volunteer groups, clubs or cultural events. The goal is to foster meaningful connections through intentional acts of support.

In some cases, you may already have people in your life with whom you want to build a chosen family. They could be a best friend, a mentor within your community or even a group of people you connected with at a music concert who, over time, have embraced you as one of their own. These bonds might not be recognized on paper, but they carry the same emotional weight as any traditional family.

Ultimately, a chosen family reminds us that belonging isn't defined by bloodlines but by the relationships we nurture with intention. In a world that can often feel isolating, chosen families provide not just a lifeline, but a foundation of support to build on. They are proof that family is less about where you come from and more about who stands by your side through life's journey.

Do you feel safe to be your authentic self in relationships? Take this test to find out: Authenticity In Relationships Scale

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.