4 Reasons Why Goodness Outweighs Niceness In Long-Term Relationships

While 'be nice' is both a valid and wholesome principle, 'be good' is far more apt in romantic relationships. Here's why.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | November 06, 2024

Many of us grow up believing that being "nice" is the key to building and maintaining relationships. From an early age, we are often taught to prioritize kindness and politeness, equating them with being well-liked and accepted by others. This emphasis on niceness can create the impression that simply being agreeable and avoiding conflict is sufficient for cultivating meaningful connections.

However, while kindness and politeness are undeniably positive traits, there's a crucial difference between being nice and embodying what it truly means to be "good" in relationships.

Being "good" goes beyond mere surface-level pleasantries. It involves a deeper commitment to acting with integrity, empathy, and responsibility. True goodness in relationships demands that we show up fully, especially in tough moments when emotions may run high, and conflicts may arise. It is about recognizing our partner's needs while also standing firm in our own values and boundaries.

Niceness, in contrast, can sometimes lead to superficial interactions, where the focus is on maintaining harmony at the expense of honesty and vulnerability. This can result in unaddressed issues festering beneath the surface, ultimately undermining the relationship's foundation.

Here's a closer look at the transformative power of being good and how it lays the groundwork for genuine love and connection.

1. Being Good Centers On Authenticity, While Niceness Can Rely On People-Pleasing

At its core, being "good" means showing up with integrity and authenticity, even when it's uncomfortable. It involves being true to ourselves and our values while also considering our partner's feelings and needs. This kind of genuine, value-driven behavior fosters trust in a relationship, demonstrating that we're not just saying what someone wants to hear but are communicating honestly and responsibly.

Research supports this notion— a 2010 study published in Personality and Individual Differences found that authenticity is linked to the adoption of healthy relationship behaviors, which, in turn, predicts better relationship outcomes and enhances personal well-being.

In contrast, niceness can sometimes act as a mask that conceals true feelings or fears of conflict. Individuals who prioritize being nice might avoid confrontation or go to great lengths to please others, hoping to maintain smooth and harmonious interactions.

However, relationships built on people-pleasing rather than truth often harbor unspoken resentment. When partners withhold their true thoughts or needs, they may feel unseen or misunderstood. While being good may occasionally involve discomfort, this honesty creates a foundation for trust and genuine connection that niceness alone cannot provide.

One effective way to embody being "good" is by expressing our feelings, even if it leads to some tension. For example, if something bothers you, try calmly sharing it with your partner instead of brushing it off to keep the peace. This openness helps build mutual understanding and emotional safety over time, ultimately enriching the relationship.

2. Being Good Prioritizes The Long-Term, While Niceness Often Focuses On The Short-Term

Being nice often involves quick fixes: smoothing over disagreements, deflecting issues, or minimizing problems to avoid discomfort. In contrast, being good is about investing in the long-term health of the relationship. This commitment might mean tackling difficult conversations, providing constructive feedback, or establishing boundaries. Choosing to prioritize the relationship's long-term well-being often requires addressing concerns, even when it's tempting to let things slide. A partner dedicated to being good will engage in these sometimes-uncomfortable discussions because they recognize that such conversations build resilience in the relationship.

For instance, if you notice a recurring issue—whether it's a communication breakdown or a repeated disagreement about household responsibilities—consider addressing it with your partner by saying something like, "I want us to talk about this because it matters to me and to our future together." This approach not only acknowledges the importance of the topic at hand but also reinforces the idea that both partners are invested in the relationship's success. Although challenging, this mindset demonstrates your dedication to fostering a healthier, happier partnership.

On the other hand, choosing to avoid these crucial conversations in an effort to "maintain harmony," can lead to a buildup of unresolved tensions, allowing minor issues to escalate into more significant problems that can threaten the stability of the relationship. By sidestepping important discussions, partners may inadvertently create an environment where resentment can grow, undermining trust and connection over time.

3. Being Good Fosters Respect, While Niceness Can Lead To Emotional Burnout

In a healthy, lasting relationship, both partners feel respected and appreciated, and respect stems from consistently being good to one another. This doesn't mean being flawless; rather, it involves having the integrity to admit mistakes, sincerely apologize, and show up with care and accountability.

One effective way to foster respect is by taking ownership of your actions. If you've hurt your partner's feelings, it's essential to offer a genuine apology rather than a quick "Sorry" aimed at smoothing things over. Acknowledging and taking responsibility for your behavior demonstrates respect and builds mutual trust. Research by Karina Schumann from the University of Pittsburgh highlights the significance of forgiveness in relationships, describing it as a powerful process that allows individuals to release negative emotions toward someone who has caused harm. This release can pave the way for positive feelings and kindness to grow toward that person, further reinforcing the bonds of respect and trust.

In contrast, niceness can sometimes create a dynamic where one partner overextends themselves to please the other. When one partner constantly prioritizes the other's happiness at the expense of their own needs, it can lead to emotional burnout and foster resentment. This cycle of people-pleasing undermines genuine connection and respect, as the selfless partner may feel neglected or unappreciated over time.

Being good means recognizing and honoring your own needs and limits while also respecting those of your partner. Remember, healthy relationships require balance, and respect flourishes when both individuals can trust each other to be both supportive and self-respecting.

4. Being Good Encourages Growth, While Niceness May Lead To Stagnation

Good partners actively encourage each other to grow by offering support, constructive feedback, and empowerment. They value individual development within the relationship, recognizing that it strengthens their bond. Being good means genuinely supporting a partner's goals, dreams, and struggles rather than glossing over important matters to maintain a pleasant facade. For example, if your partner is working toward a personal goal or considering a career change, provide honest support by discussing the practicalities, asking how you can help, and offering to brainstorm solutions together.

In contrast, niceness may sometimes overlook the need for growth, as it prioritizes comfort over challenge. While a nice partner might offer constant reassurance, a good partner understands that true support sometimes involves gently pushing each other out of their comfort zones and encouraging meaningful changes. This type of support leads to mutual growth and keeps the relationship dynamic and evolving, as you both learn and develop side by side.

So next time you're choosing between saying the nice thing or the good thing, remember: it's the courage to be truly good that leads to lasting happiness.

Is your relationship "good" or just "nice"? Take the Authenticity In Relationships Scale to know for sure.

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.