When Is Being 'Low Maintenance' Actually A Sign Of Emotional Avoidance?

Being easygoing can feel like a strength, but not if it means avoiding your own needs. Here's how to tell the difference.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | May 21, 2025

In relationships, the line between being "low maintenance" and emotionally avoidant can be hard to distinguish. While a low-maintenance partner values independence and space without feeling disconnected, emotional avoidance can create a sense of detachment and distance, even during key moments.

Being low maintenance is often viewed as a virtue and can be a desirable trait. It refers to a relationship dynamic where both individuals value simplicity, mutual respect and personal space.

A low-maintenance partner doesn't demand constant attention, validation or excessive communication, allowing both people to maintain their independence while still enjoying a meaningful connection.

That said, it's important not to minimize your needs or try to be "easy" to love. The term "low maintenance" can make you feel like a project to be managed rather than a complex human being with reasonable needs and feelings.

"Emotional avoidance" can also sometimes masquerade as being "chill" or low maintenance. However, it's often a defense mechanism.

Unlike partners who naturally value space, emotionally avoidant individuals disconnect from their own emotions, often unintentionally pushing their partner away in the process.

In many cases, these behaviors are deeply rooted in past experiences, such as interactions with critical caregivers or painful relationships. Over time, emotional avoidance evolves into a coping mechanism that initially provides relief but eventually leads to isolation.

Here are three ways to determine if you're actually low-maintenance or simply emotionally avoidant.

1. You're 'Chill' On The Outside, But Feel Empty Inside

While presenting oneself as emotionally self-sufficient might seem commendable, it can sometimes mask underlying emotional suppression.

A longitudinal study on 229 newlywed couples found that husbands who habitually suppressed their emotions were more likely to experience a decline in marital satisfaction over time. Interestingly, wives were especially sensitive to this emotional shut-down and even reported higher satisfaction only when both partners had similar (though avoidant) emotional habits.

This suggests that while emotional suppression may be an attempt to avoid conflict or seem low maintenance, it often leads to a breakdown in emotional intimacy. Suppression blocks vulnerability, which is the very thing that enhances connection in a relationship.

Over time, this can make the relationship feel emotionally flat or disconnected, leaving one or both partners feeling unseen, unsupported or alone, even if things appear fine on the surface.

So, it becomes crucial to maintain awareness around when you're equating emotional silence with strength or peace.

Instead of aiming to be low maintenance, aim to be emotionally honest. Practice sharing things like "I felt overlooked," "I needed comfort" or "That mattered to me." These moments of openness will help you slowly create closeness.

Vulnerability, when met with care, doesn't make you a burden, as it may seem to some. Rather, it's the very foundation of the intimacy most people are quietly longing for. Practice embracing emotional honesty for the health of your relationship and, most importantly, for a deeper sense of connection and safety.

2. You Let Minor Issues Build Up Into Major Problems

You might think you're being low maintenance by not addressing minor conflicts or irritations. It can feel like you're keeping the peace by letting small issues slide. However, over time, this habit can backfire.

Instead of maintaining harmony, unresolved issues accumulate and eventually become bigger problems. What you may see as being easygoing can create emotional rifts and tension in the relationship.

A 2022 study examining emotional suppression in dating couples sheds light on this dynamic. The researchers asked 196 couples to engage in two types of conversations: one about a negative issue and another about something positive.

They measured the extent to which each partner suppressed their emotions during the conversation, how connected they felt to their partner afterward and their physiological responses (like their heart rate).

The results revealed that emotional suppression, whether in a positive or negative conversation, led to lower-quality conversations and less connection for the person who suppressed their emotions. This was not observed in their partners, meaning the suppressed emotions affected the individual who was doing the suppressing even more than it affected the other person.

The study suggests that ignoring or suppressing small issues in a relationship can lead to a disconnection from your partner over time. Even if you're trying to avoid conflict, you may unintentionally create emotional distance. By avoiding dealing with issues, you may end up feeling disconnected, even if the other person isn't aware of the emotional toll it's taking on you.

To prevent smaller issues from escalating into larger problems, it's crucial to address concerns early and openly.

Practice active listening and validate each other's feelings when discussing such matters, ensuring both partners feel heard and understood. Regular emotional check-ins, such as asking, "What's been on your mind lately?" can help maintain a sense of connection and prevent unnoticed issues.

Additionally, expressing your emotions constructively with "I" statements, such as "I've been feeling lonely, and I'd love to spend quality time together," rather than blame ("You're never home and it feels you don't care about me") promotes resolution and reduces defensiveness.

By being vulnerable and transparent, you not only resolve issues faster but also strengthen your bond and create a more supportive dynamic overall.

3. You Struggle To Express Wants And Needs

Being low maintenance is often equated with not needing constant reassurance. However, emotional avoidance can make it hard to express even basic needs. You might tell yourself something like, "I don't want to seem needy" and end up suppressing genuine desires, whether it's wanting more quality time, affection or support. This may be stemming from a belief that your needs are a burden.

A 2023 study explored how couples' negative emotions relate to the frustration of two core relationship needs: autonomy (the need for independence) and relatedness (the need for emotional closeness) during conflict.

Involving 141 heterosexual couples, the researchers observed partners during a conflict discussion and later asked them to report their emotional experiences and how frustrated they felt in terms of autonomy and relatedness.

Researchers found that when individuals felt their autonomy was being threatened, they experienced more negative disengaging emotions like anger and irritation. In contrast, when they felt disconnected from their partner (relatedness frustration), they felt more negative engaging emotions like sadness and hurt.

Interestingly, people who didn't appear to value closeness as much felt stronger emotional pain when that closeness was lacking. These findings highlight how avoiding emotional needs might actually increase emotional distress, rather than protecting your relationship.

Instead of labeling your needs as "too much," try being curious about them. A simple starting point is to ask yourself, "What do I really need right now, and what makes me feel unsafe to express it?" You'll likely find that naming and expressing your needs is a bridge to deeper connection.

Choose Authenticity Over Avoidance

The distinction between being genuinely low-maintenance and emotionally avoidant isn't always obvious, but it does matter. While valuing space and independence is healthy, disconnecting from your own emotional world can eventually keep you from experiencing genuine connection.

If you find yourself holding back and regretting it, consider reflecting on what keeps you in that loop. For any relationship to be truly successful, you need to show up as your authentic self and that includes embracing your vulnerability. Not doing so only deprives your partner of the chance to connect with the real you.

Learning to express yourself honestly, even in small ways, can help you shift from protective distance to meaningful closeness. You don't need to become "high maintenance" to be seen; all you have to do is become emotionally present.

Are you showing up as your authentic self in your relationship? Take this science-backed test to find out: Authenticity In Relationships Scale

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.