What To Do When You Start Hating What You Used To Love About Your Partner

If your relationship has been rocked by a 'fatal attraction', here's what you can do to save it.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | April 17, 2024

Fatal attraction is a phenomenon where traits initially drawing individuals together in a relationship eventually lead to its downfall. What initially appears charming or desirable can later morph into sources of frustration, resentment or even harm.

Understanding the psychological mechanisms behind fatal attraction is crucial for creating healthy relationships. Recognizing these patterns empowers individuals to navigate potential pitfalls and address issues before they escalate, enhancing the likelihood of long-term satisfaction and fulfillment.

Here are two psychological explanations for fatal attraction in relationships.

1. The "Pedestal Paradox"

Projection and idealization wield significant influence in romantic relationships, shaping initial attraction. During the honeymoon phase people project their deepest desires, aspirations and insecurities onto their partners. This can take various forms—someone seeking security may perceive their partner as stable and dependable, while others craving excitement may envision them as adventurous and spontaneous. These idealizations serve as coping mechanisms, providing early fulfillment and satisfaction.

However, as the relationship progresses, the contrast between the idealized image and reality becomes evident. Flaws once disregarded lead to disappointment and disillusionment, fueling conflict and discord within the relationship. This can result in feelings of betrayal or resentment, corroding trust and intimacy, and undermining the relationship's foundation.

Projecting desires onto partners also imposes pressure on the "over-idealized partner," which ultimately burdens the relationship. A study suggests that while some idealization can enhance satisfaction in romantic relationships by promoting admiration, appreciation and fulfillment—excessive idealization pushes the relationship to a tipping point. Beyond this threshold, unrealistic expectations and pressure emerge, straining the relationship and diminishing satisfaction.

To navigate the pitfalls of projection and idealization,

• Cultivate greater self-awareness and introspection. Recognize your own tendencies to idealize and project onto partners, allowing for more realistic expectations and healthier communication patterns.
• Embrace and appreciate your partners' flaws. This ushers in authenticity and intimacy within your relationship.
• Conduct periodic check-ins and reassessments of your relationship to ensure both you and your partner remain aligned in your goals and aspirations. Regular communication about needs and concerns allows for course corrections and adjustments as your relationship evolves over time.

Ultimately, acknowledging the role of projection and idealization in fatal attraction will allow you to approach relationships with a grounded and realistic perspective, enhancing the likelihood of long-term satisfaction and fulfillment.

2. Synergistic Shortcomings

At the outset of a relationship, people may be drawn to partners who possess qualities they believe complement their own perceived shortcomings or insecurities. For example, someone who struggles with assertiveness may be attracted to a partner who exudes confidence and decisiveness.

Research explains this phenomenon using the self-enhancement theory. When one feels their self-worth is challenged, they seek validation and reassurance through their partners. By emphasizing their partner's virtues, they indirectly bolster their own sense of worthiness and value. This behavior serves as a protective mechanism to mitigate the negative impact of failure or threats to self-esteem, allowing people to maintain a positive self-image despite external challenges.

However, as the relationship progresses and the initial euphoria fades, these qualities can morph into sources of tension and conflict. For example, once-empowering assertiveness might be perceived as dominance—worsening insecurities. As tensions mount, partners may find themselves entangled in power struggles or frequent arguments, unable to reconcile their conflicting needs and desires.

Moreover, depending on a partner to compensate for perceived shortcomings can cultivate unhealthy dependency within the relationship, leaving individuals feeling incomplete without their partner's validation and fueling codependency and emotional insecurity.

To address this issue in your relationship:

• Start by acknowledging your own vulnerabilities and insecurities. Employ self-awareness to identify the underlying motivations driving your attraction to certain qualities in your partners. This will give you greater autonomy and agency in addressing your personal growth and development.
• Open and honest communication with your partner is essential. By openly expressing your needs, concerns and boundaries, you can collaboratively establish a more balanced and equitable dynamic within your relationship.
• Seeking support from trusted friends, family members or mental health professionals can offer valuable insight and guidance in addressing underlying insecurities and fostering healthier relationship dynamics.

Navigating the complexities of fatal attraction requires insight, communication and self-awareness. By acknowledging these dynamics and actively addressing underlying issues, you can build healthier relationships and strengthen your overall well-being.

Wondering if you may be fatally attracted to someone? Take the Relationship Satisfaction Scale to learn more.

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.