What It's Like To Grow Up With 'Poly Parents'

According to research, having polyamorous parents isn't as complicated as it might seem.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | August 22, 2024

Polyamory, the practice of engaging in multiple consensual and intimate relationships with the knowledge and agreement of all involved, challenges traditional views on family structures.

Because societal norms often uphold monogamy as the ideal, polyamorous parents are frequently misunderstood and face skepticism about their ability to provide a stable and nurturing environment for their children.

Despite common misconceptions that multiple partners can only create confusion or instability, many children in polyamorous families thrive and appreciate the unique support and love they receive from their parents' partners.

A study published this month in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships examined the experiences of children aged 5-17 living with polyamorous parents and how they felt about their partners. Researchers found that younger children and those in their pre-teens tend to view them in a positive light overall.

Here are five positive ways that the children viewed their parents' partners, based on their interviews:

1. An Adult To Have Fun With

For many children, their parents' partners were seen as fun and engaging figures who brought joy and entertainment into their lives. For instance, 14-year-old Ines says: "I've known him for a year. And he is fun! I love spending time with him."

The study also highlights how younger children form bonds with their parents' partners through play. Diego, age 9, describes his mother's cohabiting partner as someone he enjoys spending time with daily: "To me, he's kind of like a cool person who lives with us and who I like. We often play video games together. I like to sit on the sofa next to him and watch him play."

In addition to play, many children appreciated that their parents' partners introduced them to new hobbies or interests, which helped strengthen their bond. For instance, 9-year-old Ayden explains his special connection with one of his mother's romantic partners: "One of the things that's cool about him is that he's the one who showed me how to do magic."

2. An Adult Who Enhances Their Material Well-being

Children of polyamorous parents often associate positive feelings with partners who contribute to their comfort, enjoyment and overall material well-being. These partners may provide access to resources, amenities or gifts that the children enjoy.

For instance, 5-year-old Jade says she feels excited to visit one of her mother's romantic partners because "in the back, [they] have a huge pool, that's ready for swimming. And they have a big hot tub that's up and running. Plus, at the bottom of the water, there are colors!"

Interestingly, teenagers did not mention material contributions when discussing their feelings toward their parents' partners. This suggests that younger children may place more value on the material benefits that these relationships can bring.

3. An Adult Who Supports And Cares For Them

Children of polyamorous parents often view their parents' partners as trusted adults who genuinely care for their well-being. They offer diverse sources of support and can act as confidants or someone reliable to turn to in times of need.

"[When I'm sad] I go to Clara [my mom's girlfriend], because when I talk to her, she doesn't interrupt me… unlike my mom," explains 12-year-old Margo, highlighting the importance of having a good listener in her life.

"Polyamorous parents commonly report that their children benefit from their multi-partner relationship model, since each partner brings different skills, qualities and knowledge, thus complementing the parents' strengths. The presence of several loving and caring adults in the lives of their children is perceived as beneficial for the emotional, social and intellectual development of their children," the researchers write.

4. An Adult Who Brings Them New Friends

Many children view their parent's partner as someone who can introduce them to new friends through their own children. In many cases, these children form close bonds, enhancing their sense of community and belonging. For instance, several children in the study wanted to include their parents' romantic partners and their children in their birthday celebrations.

7-year-old Clemence describes attending a birthday party for the daughter of her mother's non-cohabiting partner: "When she turned three, we went to celebrate her birthday in a big park. There were lots of games, it was so much fun!"

5. An Adult Who Makes Their Parent Happy

For many pre-teens and teenagers, their parents' romantic partners are viewed as adults who contribute to their parents' happiness, even if they don't personally share a close bond with them.

As they grow older, they tend to view their lives as more separate from their parents', which might explain why they don't form particularly deep connections with these partners as some younger children might. However, they still tend to view them positively.

"Since he lives in another city, we [my brother and I] hardly ever see him. So for me, he's in my life, but not very much. At the same time, he's my mother's boyfriend, so he's part of my life. He's nice to me and he's nice to my mom. So I like that a lot," explains 10-year-old Samia.

Researchers suggest that amidst changes to their family structure, it is essential that parents continue to maintain consistent quality time with their children, just as they did before. This helps ensure a smooth transition. Parents should also give their children time to adjust and encourage open discussions about how these changes affect them.

Zoey, aged 13, explains the importance of such communication: "[When she came out] my mom told my sisters and I that she wouldn't invite them home, unless it was to officially present them to us. Like she wouldn't introduce us to someone she went on a date twice. And that reassured me. Because meeting new people, all of the time, at a certain point, it becomes, like, overwhelming."

In a world where traditional family structures often dominate the conversation, the experiences of children growing up with polyamorous parents offer a refreshing perspective on what truly matters in a child's upbringing.

Far from the confusion and instability that some might fear, these children often thrive in environments enriched by the presence of multiple caring adults. They learn that love and support can come in many forms, and that family is defined not just by blood, but by the bonds of trust, care and mutual respect.

Curious whether you tend to support non-traditional relationships and family units? Take this test to learn more: Are You A True Ally To the LGBT Community?

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here, and on PsychologyToday.com, here.