Are You 'Marriage Material'? Here's How To Tell

This single question can discern whether or not you've got what it takes to be a good spouse.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | September 23, 2024

Before you go on your next date, ask yourself this question—"Would I date or marry myself?"

While this question may seem like an abstract or introspective exercise, it holds significant practical potential. If your answer is "no" or you're unsure, this isn't just a personal reflection—it's a signal that certain aspects of your life or character could be hindering your ability to cultivate a healthy relationship. If you wouldn't marry yourself, it's likely that you'll face similar difficulties attracting or maintaining a fulfilling relationship with someone else.

The question "would I date or marry myself?" serves as more than just a thought exercise; it helps you evaluate your readiness for a relationship by focusing on three key areas:

• Self awareness. Healthy relationships rely on emotional connection, trust and respect. If you don't understand your strengths, flaws and emotional triggers, it's unrealistic to expect others to navigate them for you. Reflecting on whether you would date or marry yourself encourages you to examine your emotional availability. If you possess traits that you wouldn't tolerate in a partner, then it's a sign you need to address those traits.
• Self-love. A "no" may indicate a lack of self-compassion or alignment with your core values. Without self-love, you might settle for less or project unresolved issues onto your partner. Confidently saying "yes" to this question signifies that you recognize your worth and are ready for a relationship based on love, respect and authenticity.
• Compatibility. Assess whether you would be content with someone sharing your habits, outlook and lifestyle. This reflection helps determine if you're prepared for a relationship where mutual compatibility can flourish.

Here are three reasons why saying "no" to yourself can be problematic.

1. It Impacts How You Attract And Choose Partners

How you view yourself has a direct impact on the kinds of relationships you attract. If you wouldn't marry or date yourself, it could signal deeper issues with self-worth. A lack of self-acceptance and respect might lead you to unconsciously choose partners who either reinforce your negative self-image or fail to meet the emotional standards you deserve.

In other words, if you don't believe you're worthy of being with someone like yourself, you may settle for someone who doesn't value you either.

Entering relationships without a strong sense of self-worth sets the stage for unhealthy dynamics. It opens the door to codependency, settling for less than you deserve or allowing your boundaries to be crossed. When you don't feel good about yourself, you're more likely to accept poor treatment or pursue relationships that mirror your low self-esteem.

2. It Hinders Your Ability To Build Emotional Intimacy

Emotional intimacy requires vulnerability, trust and the willingness to let another person see you fully—flaws and all. A 2019 study found that when individuals share personal vulnerabilities that don't implicate or blame their partner, it often leads to more positive outcomes. Partners tend to respond with greater support, encouragement and less judgment or criticism.

However, if you don't value who you are, you'll likely hide parts of yourself or avoid deeper emotional connections out of fear that others will reject you too. This avoidance creates a barrier to emotional intimacy, preventing relationships from growing.

Without that depth, connections can feel superficial and unsatisfying, often leading to loneliness, even in the company of others. Over time, this dynamic can cause relationships to either fizzle out or become trapped in cycles of mistrust and emotional distance.

3. It May Subconsciously Repel Emotionally Available Partners

If you don't see yourself as someone worth dating or marrying, it sends out unspoken signals that can repel potential partners. A lack of self-assurance can manifest in neediness, insecurity or constant seeking of validation—all of which can push away emotionally mature and available individuals. Instead, you might attract partners who exploit these insecurities or are themselves emotionally unavailable.

A weak sense of self not only affects your confidence but also the dynamics of your relationships. When you constantly seek reassurance, it places undue pressure on the other person, creating an emotional imbalance and tension. Over time, this can erode the connection and stability that healthy relationships require.

In fact, recent research published in Contemporary Family Therapy highlights this very issue, showing that external validation weakens emotional intimacy by chipping away at an individual's sense of self. Without a strong internal foundation, it's difficult for a relationship to thrive, as the constant self-doubt can prevent deeper emotional bonds from forming.

If you find yourself saying "no" to the idea of marrying or dating yourself, don't panic. This realization is a chance to grow and improve. Here are a few practical steps to turn that "no" into a "yes":

1. Cultivate self-acceptance. Embrace your strengths and flaws without judgment. Use daily affirmations like "I am worthy of love" to reinforce positive self-beliefs. Keep a list of qualities you admire about yourself to counter self-doubt. A 2015 article published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences suggests that positive affirmations help us perceive potentially threatening information as more personally relevant and meaningful.
2. Develop emotional intimacy with yourself. Spend time exploring your thoughts and feelings to deepen self-awareness. Journaling and therapy can help uncover emotional blocks and enhance your ability to connect with others.
3. Build your self-confidence. Step outside your comfort zone regularly and celebrate small wins. This reinforces your self-worth and reduces the need for external validation. Researcher Dr. Pninit Russo-Netzer suggests that tackling challenges can boost confidence, as it stems from the increased sense of self-efficacy gained by stretching beyond your comfort zone.
4. Break unhealthy patterns. Identify negative behaviors and triggers, then replace them with healthier responses. For example, if you tend to withdraw emotionally, make a conscious effort to reach out and connect. Focus on constructive ways to manage difficult emotions and replace old patterns with new, positive behaviors.

Accepting yourself requires a high emotional quotient. Take the Emotional Quotient Inventory to know how you stack up.

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.