5 Reasons Why You Need To Let Go Of Your 'Type'
Having a 'type' doesn't mean that you have to commit to that type forever. Here's how it might be holding you back.
By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | December 11, 2024
Most people have a "type"—a set of traits they believe are essential in a partner, whether it's shared interests, a physical feature or a particular sense of humor. These preferences can feel like a shortcut to finding love, offering a sense of control in the unpredictable world of relationships.
But what if your type is actually holding you back? What if it's not the key to love, but a limitation you've unknowingly imposed on yourself? Sticking to a specific partner type can reinforce comfort zones and societal ideals, but many find themselves stuck in a cycle of repeating the same mistakes, choosing partners who don't meet emotional needs, or overlooking valuable connections that don't fit the mold.
Your "type" could be blinding you to relationships that could truly enrich your life. Here's why your type may not be working for you—and how to break free from these self-imposed constraints for a more expansive and rewarding approach to love.
1. Your 'Type' Reflects Your Past, Not Your Potential
Your type often acts like a subconscious roadmap, guiding you toward people who feel familiar. This familiarity isn't coincidental, in fact it is rooted in your past experiences, shaping your attractions in ways you might not even realize.
For example, you might gravitate toward individuals who share traits with a parent, such as their charisma, ambition or their nurturing nature. Alternatively, you could be seeking out qualities that mirror a past partner's strengths, hoping to recreate the positive aspects of a previous relationship.
Sometimes, your "type" represents an idealized version of yourself. You might be drawn to people who embody qualities you admire, but feel you lack—like confidence, creativity, or social prowess. While this can feel like a way to balance yourself, it can also create an unintentional power dynamic or set unrealistic expectations in the relationship.
The comfort of familiarity often comes with a cost. If you repeatedly find yourself in unfulfilling or unhealthy relationships, it's worth asking whether your type is rooted in emotional patterns that aren't serving you.
For instance, being drawn to emotionally unavailable people might stem from a fear of vulnerability or a desire to "win" their love. Similarly, if you consistently choose partners who are overly critical or dismissive, it could reflect unresolved dynamics from childhood.
This is why you should review your dating history to identify recurring patterns and outcomes. Note the qualities you admire, challenges faced and how relationships ended. Are there consistent dynamics, like always compromising or chasing unavailable partners? Shift your focus from familiar types to those who align with your current goals and emotional needs, expanding your criteria to include new possibilities.
2. Chemistry Can Blind You To Compatibility
That initial spark—the butterflies and electric connection of a first conversation—can feel intoxicating, making it easy to mistake immediate attraction for long-term potential. However, while chemistry can ignite a relationship, it doesn't always sustain it.
Chemistry often stems from novelty and excitement, which can cloud judgment. The thrill of a confident, charming person might make you overlook red flags, like controlling behavior, or create a false sense of compatibility, masking deeper issues such as misaligned values or poor communication.
One of the reasons chemistry can mislead us is that it taps into primal instincts, triggering a dopamine rush that often leads us to equate these feelings with long-term compatibility. However, chemistry alone isn't enough to withstand the challenges of a relationship. What feels exciting in the short term—like spontaneity or mystery—may not provide the stability, trust, and emotional security needed for lasting connection.
A 2023 study highlighted the importance of compatibility in maintaining healthy relationships, with participants ranking 153 characteristics across 24 dimensions, including lifestyle, morals, emotions, intellect, and humor. Key findings show that shared views on issues like gender roles and morality were crucial for long-term compatibility. For lasting relationships, common values, lifestyle and food preferences were prioritized, while intellect and appearance mattered more in short-term connections.
If you're unsure where to meet compatible partners, authors Zsófia Csajbók and Peter Jonason suggest putting yourself in environments that align with your interests. Engaging in shared activities can help build natural connections and increase the chances of finding a lasting bond.
3. Your 'Type' May Be Rooted In Fear, Not Desire
Sometimes, what we label as a type isn't rooted in genuine attraction or compatibility, but underlying fears or insecurities. These hidden motivations can lead us to seek partners who provide safety or validation, even if the relationship doesn't fulfill our deeper emotional needs. Your type may be more about comfort or protection than genuine desire. These choices can shield you from confronting fears of rejection or inadequacy, but they also limit your growth and the potential for a partner who truly aligns with you.
For example, if you're drawn to emotionally unavailable people, it may not be about their allure but about avoiding true vulnerability. Keeping someone at arm's length protects you from the intimacy that comes with being fully seen, which can feel daunting if you've been hurt before or struggle with self-worth.
Similarly, gravitating toward high-achieving individuals may seem like admiration, but it might stem from overcompensating for insecurities about your own accomplishments. Being with someone who appears "successful" can boost your status or shield you from self-doubt.
A 2013 study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that fear of being single influences romantic decisions, leading individuals to settle for less. Those with a higher fear of singlehood tend to stay in unsatisfying relationships and show interest in less responsive or attractive partners.
To break free from fear-based patterns, start by reflecting on your choices:
- Do you pick partners because they make you happy or because they fit a story you've created about yourself?
- Does this dynamic feel safe by avoiding vulnerability?
- Are you more concerned with appearances than how you feel in the relationship?
Pay attention to emotional triggers, like wanting to "win" someone's affection or feeling validated by success. Reflect on your fears and consider stepping outside your usual "type" to embrace qualities that promote growth, such as emotional availability and kindness. This helps shift your focus from safety to genuine connection.
4. You're Overlooking Hidden Gems
In the quest to find someone who fits your type, you might be missing out on incredible people who don't tick all the boxes on your list. Often, this rigid adherence to preconceived preferences creates a blind spot. You may dismiss someone who doesn't immediately seem like "your kind of person," only to later realize they had the qualities that truly matter for a lasting relationship.
Think about the shy coworker who's always kind but doesn't draw attention to themselves, the friend-of-a-friend you've only seen in passing, or the person who doesn't match your physical "ideal." These are the individuals who might not stand out in a crowd but could bring depth, care and stability to your life.
Focusing solely on your type can reinforce biases or limit growth. For instance, if you only date extroverts thinking they'll balance your introversion, you might miss the quiet strength and understanding an introvert could offer. Hidden gems often complement us in ways we never expected, enriching our emotional world with fresh perspectives.
To counteract this bias, treat your type as a rough guide, not a strict blueprint. Focus on core qualities like kindness, emotional availability, and shared values rather than superficial traits or hobbies. Challenge yourself to date someone outside your usual preferences. This isn't settling but exploring new possibilities and learning about yourself. Remember, broadening your criteria doesn't mean lowering your standards—it means expanding your view of what love can look like.
5. Focus On How You Want To Feel, Not Just Who You Want
When we define our "type," it's easy to focus on specific traits like humor, ambition or adventurousness. While these can be appealing, they only scratch the surface of what makes a relationship fulfilling. What truly matters is how your partner makes you feel (and vice versa).
Do they create a sense of safety when you're vulnerable? Do they inspire your growth? Do they support you during self-doubt and celebrate your victories? These emotional experiences are the foundation of a healthy, lasting relationship, yet they're often overlooked when we fixate on external qualities.
A 2024 study published in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology found that feeling understood by your partner was a stronger predictor of happiness and satisfaction than simply knowing them. Feeling seen and known is key to relational success.
Focusing too much on traits can lead to unfulfilling patterns. You may choose someone who meets your "dream partner" criteria but still feel unheard or unappreciated. Shift your focus from the "what" to the "why" to align your choices with your true needs in love.
Bottom line: On your dates, pay attention to how you feel. Do you feel at ease, or are you trying to impress them? Do you feel respected, or are you second-guessing their intentions? Emotions are often a more reliable indicator of compatibility than a predetermined type.
It's natural to want a partner who meets certain criteria, but love rarely fits neatly into a checklist. Take the science-backed Relationship Sabotage Scale test to see if you're unintentionally sabotaging your relationships.
A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.