4 Signs You're Suffering From A 'Mother Wound'

Did your primary caregiver neglect what mattered most? If so, you might just have a 'mother wound.'

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | December 03, 2024

The problem with childhood trauma is that it often follows us throughout our adult life. This emotional baggage, in many cases, stems from unhealthy relationships with our parents, who tend to be our primary caregivers.

In most households, the mother is the primary caregiver, meaning a relationship with her is crucial to a child's emotional development. However, children are not responsible for shaping the dynamics of this relationship, and this imbalance can contribute to the development of what is colloquially known as a "mother wound."

The term "mother wound" refers to the psychological scars that are left on a child's psyche when their mother (or primary caregiver) is unable to meet their emotional needs—whether due to their own shortcomings or external circumstances. If this sounds familiar, you might need to keep reading.

Here are four signs you have developed the mother wound.

1. Your Primary Caregiver Fulfilled Physical Needs But Ignored Emotional Ones

Primary caregivers and mothers often have a strong sense of duty to their families, with their role clearly defined by societal expectations. However, when a primary caregiver focuses solely on fulfilling basic parenting tasks but neglects a child's emotional needs, children are often left feeling emotionally deprived.

Imagine a mother who ensures you have food on the table and clothes on your back but rarely reaches out for a hug. This scenario is more common than you think and can harm a child's development.

There are several reasons why a parent might prioritize their child's physical and academic well-being over their emotional needs. Cultural influences are one factor that can play a role, as some parents are raised to believe that their primary role is one of authority, and being relatable to or even friendly with their child might be seen as a sign of weakness.

In her 2022 book Permission to Come Home, Dr. Jenny Wang explains how many Asian parents were not allowed to explore and express their emotions in their childhoods and, as a result, do not know how to manage their children's emotions.

Whatever the reason, an emotionally neglectful parent harms a child's development. Dr. John Bowlby's famous Attachment and Loss series suggests that children need both physical care and emotional nurturing to develop secure attachments. When emotional needs are neglected, children often feel disconnected and unworthy of love, which can trickle down into later relationships.

Individuals from such backgrounds may struggle with self-esteem and emotional regulation later in life. If your parents never met your emotional needs, you might constantly seek validation from others—a cycle that can be broken by asking for professional help.

2. Your Primary Caregiver Lacked Empathy

Empathy is like emotional oxygen—without it, we can feel suffocated in our relationships. A lack of empathy might force us to constantly live up to impossible standards—that's the bad news.

The good news is that empathy also compounds. It is a skill that can be nurtured within the household. Researchers Marian Radke-Yarrow and Carolyn Zahn-Waxler suggest that children can learn to develop empathy and altruism through positive role modeling. Conversely, when a child is shown little to no empathy, they are less likely to cultivate these traits.

A 2020 study published in Pediatric Investigation suggests that empathetic parents raise emotionally secure children. Children raised in homes devoid of empathy often feel like emotional aliens, insecure about connecting with others on a deeper level.

Think about it—if your primary caregiver could not understand or validate your feelings, how might that shape your ability to express emotions as an adult? A lack of empathetic responses from parents can lead to difficulties forming secure attachments in adulthood. The result? Adults who struggle to trust others or express their own emotions effectively.

3. Your Primary Caregiver Was Extremely Critical

If you have ever had an extremely critical boss, you know how easy it is to fall into the trap of not feeling like you are good enough. The same feeling can come from growing up under constant criticism.

Children raised in overly critical environments often internalize these negative messages. This can lead to a pattern of perfectionism, informed by an ossified and inaccurate view of one's value or worth.

In fact, a 2015 study published in Educational Psychology shows that children of critical parents are often so concerned with doing things right that they hesitate to take on new challenges.

This critical upbringing can create a cycle of self-doubt that persists into adulthood. You might find yourself second-guessing every decision or feeling inadequate in almost every sphere of your life.

The antidote to such self-doubt lies in the gradual but essential process of consciously changing the tone and vocabulary of your self-talk, and turning it into a primarily neutral, if not positive, inner voice.

4. Your Primary Caregiver Didn't Allow Negative Emotions

A 2019 study found that emotional suppression can lead to various psychological issues, including anxiety and depression. It is essential that children feel they have someone they can be themselves around to experience and integrate the full range of their own emotions.

When parents do not allow their children to express negative emotions, they inadvertently teach them that feelings, especially unpleasant ones, are something to be ashamed of. This can make adults feel like a stranger to their own emotional landscape and struggle to articulate their feelings in relationships. Essentially, these people hide what makes them human—their feelings.

Healing from the mother wound is not just about fixing ourselves—it is about breaking cycles that may have persisted for generations. Every step forward is progress—even if it feels small at first. As challenging as it can feel, your childhood does not have to define your future, and it's never too late to rewrite your story.

Did you often have to "act like a parent" while growing up? Take this test to find out: Parentification Scale.

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.