4 Signs You're Harboring A 'Victim Mindset'
Life may not always be fair, but it doesn't have to keep you from seeing the joy in it. Here's ways a 'victim mindset' can contribute to this.
By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | April 30, 2025
We've all had moments when life feels overwhelmingly unfair and we feel powerless in the face of circumstances. We may even start telling ourselves that we're incapable of change. But when this perspective becomes our default way of seeing ourselves, it can quietly shape our lives in ways that keep us stuck.
Specifically, it may lead us to adopt a victim identity, wherein we view ourselves as a victim and let that define who we are.
Research published in 2020 in Personality and Individual Differences shows that seeing oneself as a victim in personal relationships is often a stable personality trait. This mindset often begins in childhood, shaped by early experiences with caregivers, and continues to influence how people think, feel and behave when they perceive they've been hurt.
The study also found that people with a stubborn victim mindset tend to feel hurt more intensely and for a longer time. They might expect others to harm them, even in uncertain situations, and view offenses as more serious. They're also more likely to seek revenge than to forgive.
Interestingly, they may choose not to avoid those who hurt them, because they still crave recognition for their suffering. This behavior is linked to an anxious attachment style, where a person desires closeness but also fears rejection.
A victim mindset is the difference between saying "This happened to me" and believing "This defines me." While acknowledging pain is healthy, staying trapped in blame can drain our energy, strain our relationships and dim our hope for change.
Here are four victim mindset traps that may be holding you back.
1. The 'It's Not My Fault' Trap
You've probably encountered this before — someone who constantly vents about their struggles but shuts down any practical advice. No matter how much you try to help, their negativity pulls you in, leaving you drained and frustrated.
Maybe you've noticed yourself slipping into this pattern as well. It's natural to point to outside factors like your upbringing, difficult circumstances or bad luck. But it's also worth gently asking — Is there any part of this situation I can take ownership of?
The real cost isn't just feeling stuck. Over time, the way we cope, our words, actions or withdrawal, can silently impact our relationships. Even the most supportive people can start to feel overwhelmed or unsure of how to help.
Often, this mindset is rooted in something called "learned helplessness," where past disappointments lead us to believe that trying won't make a difference. Taking responsibility can feel scary because it means risking failure, but holding onto blame all but guarantees that nothing changes for the better.
You may not have been at fault, but you do have control over how you move forward. Setting clear boundaries, especially with those who have hurt you or continue to, can be an important step toward protecting yourself. It's a way of choosing your well-being, rather than sacrificing it to keep others comfortable.
2. The 'You Don't Know What I've Been Through' Trap
You know that moment when you try to help someone work through a problem, and suddenly you hear:
"But you don't understand what I've been through."
When pain becomes more than just an experience and starts to feel like your whole identity, trauma can get tangled up with your sense of self. You might find yourself stuck in a mental loop, asking "Why me?" over and over, without ever reaching "What now?"
A 2019 study published in the Journal of Adolescence found that individuals in moratorium or diffused identity states (those still exploring or lacking a stable sense of self) struggle the most with processing trauma. These individuals remain in an identity crisis — constantly searching but never committing to a cohesive self-narrative.
They often engage in brooding rumination, passively dwelling on their pain without taking steps to heal. This reinforces a victim mindset, leaving them emotionally paralyzed and unable to move forward.
One way to move past this trap is by reframing your narrative, shifting from "This happened to me" to "This is part of my journey, but it doesn't control me."
You can also start journaling your experiences to talk about what you learned from your them or how you responded. Over time, you can shift from thinking of new ways to respond or feeling angry to accepting this chapter of your life for what it was.
3. The 'Life Is Unfair' Trap
With a growing tide of political, social and climate crises, we all have times when we feel burnt out, exhausted and powerless. We feel like meaningful change is beyond our control. But fixating on life's injustices can blind us to potential solutions.
Confirmation bias plays a key role here. Once we believe life is unfair, we unconsciously seek out evidence to support that belief while overlooking positive opportunities.
Think about the hours you spend scrolling through social media. The algorithm doesn't just show you random content — it feeds you more of what you've already engaged with, trapping you in an echo chamber of repetitive ideas and creators; that's surveillance capitalism in action.
But it's also your own confirmation bias reinforcing your worldview. A 2015 study published in the Journal of Computer-Mediated Communication shows that people spend 64% more time on articles that support their existing views. If someone finds a topic important to them, they are even more likely to avoid opposing views and read only what aligns with their stance.
Start by shifting your focus from fairness to resilience. Life may not always be just, but you have the strength to navigate its ups and downs. Practicing gratitude can bolster this approach — by acknowledging small wins, you train your brain to notice opportunities instead of only seeing obstacles. And when things feel out of control, gently remind yourself: "I can't control everything, but I can control my response."
4. The 'Seeking Sympathy Instead Of Solutions' Trap
Some people unconsciously seek validation through their struggles, prioritizing emotional support over tangible change. Over time, this mindset can become ingrained — even central — to their identity. This phenomenon is so prevalent now that social media has even assigned a name to it — "sadfishing."
A 2019 study published in International Review of Victimology shows young people rarely declare "I'm a victim" outright. Instead, their sense of victimhood is shaped by:
- How they view themselves
- How others treat them (parents, schools, society)
- Whether their story is believed or met with blame
Even when harm is undeniable, victims often face scrutiny. Was the situation "avoidable"? Does their past (e.g., drug use, conflicts) make them "deserving" of hardship?
Society clings to the subconscious belief that "bad things happen to bad people," forcing victims to justify their pain — or reframe their entire narrative — to be seen as both hurt and good.
This pressure drives some toward sympathy-seeking over problem-solving, especially when their worldview is constantly reinforced. After all, validation elicits relief, and change is always difficult.
We're all shaped by our circumstances, which can make it hard to tell whether we're victims or simply stuck in that mindset. But if we constantly seek approval, try to justify our actions in the eyes of others and ask for help without ever accepting it, the answer becomes clear.
We don't just perceive the world, we construct it. Until we begin to shift our perspective, we'll struggle to reclaim the power we have to transform ourselves.
Do you think you're aware of your thoughts, emotions and behavior? Take this science-backed test to find out: Self-Awareness Outcomes Questionnaire
A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.