2 Signs Your 'Icks' Might Be Intimacy Issues

Are your 'icks' genuine turn offs, or could they be indicative of a deeper issue? Here's two ways to tell.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | April 29, 2025

You know that feeling when everything seems fine with someone you've been dating or have just met, and then out of nowhere, something small or seemingly insignificant turns you off completely?

It's the classic "ick" moment — when you feel suddenly repelled by someone you were previously attracted to. It might be the way they chew, the way they laugh or even just a random comment that triggers a shift in your feelings. The ick can happen quickly and unexpectedly, often without warning or a clear reason.

But here's something important to consider: while the ick might seem like a spontaneous, irrational response, this might not always be the case. Sometimes, it could be tied to deeper emotional challenges, specifically, intimacy issues.

Instead of just being about something small they did, it could be a defense mechanism protecting you from emotional closeness. This might happen when your dynamic starts to feel too vulnerable or when you begin to sense the need for a deeper emotional connection. In some cases, the ick is just a momentary feeling, but it's worth considering whether it might be a sign of deeper intimacy issues.

Here are two signs to help identify if what you're experiencing is truly the ick.

1. It Shows Up When You Start Getting Emotionally Close

One of the biggest clues that the ick might be rooted in intimacy issues is when it shows up. If it tends to kick in right after things get emotionally real, say, after a moment of vulnerability, a deep conversation or when someone expresses genuine care, it's likely that a fear of intimacy is at play.

For many people, the idea of getting close to someone can feel uncomfortable or even threatening. This is often tied to a fear of intimacy — a subconscious fear of being emotionally vulnerable and dependent on someone else.

If you've experienced emotional hurt in the past or have attachment patterns that lean toward avoidance, it's not unusual for the ick to act as a protective reflex. Instead of embracing closeness, your mind might push the other person away to avoid any potential emotional pain.

Additionally, recent research published in Personality and Individual Differences found that heightened people with higher levels of disgust sensitivity — a tendency to react strongly to things they perceive as unpleasant or contaminating — are more likely to reject potential partners based on minor perceived flaws.

Researchers also found that narcissism, characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance and a need for admiration, was associated with the likelihood of experiencing the "ick," while perfectionism, the tendency to set unrealistically high standards and be overly critical of oneself and others, was linked to both its likelihood and frequency.

Ultimately, while the ick can help people identify potential incompatibilities, researchers suggest it may also stem from overly rigid rejection standards.

Another study in 2022 explored how attachment styles influence disgust responses, specifically focusing on body odor (BO) and romantic relationships. It found that individuals with a dismissing-avoidant attachment style — characterized by emotional distancing, discomfort with closeness and a tendency to downplay the importance of intimate relationships — were more likely to find their partner's BO disgusting, finding it equally as repellant as a stranger's BO.

This was surprising because people generally find their partner's scent more familiar and comforting over time. However, for those with dismissing-avoidant attachment, a lack of emotional intimacy can prevent the development of positive associations with their partner's natural scent, making it more likely to be perceived as aversive rather than comforting.

This finding suggests that for people with avoidant attachment styles, the ick could manifest as a defense mechanism against emotional closeness. These individuals often avoid intimacy, and their subconscious may associate even the most intimate aspects of a partner (like their scent) with discomfort.

This all points to the importance of looking beyond the surface-level reaction of the "ick." It might not just be about an unpleasant physical trait, but could instead be an indicator of deeper psychological factors that need attention.

2. It Feels Confusing Or Comes With Guilt

Sometimes the ick isn't just a clean "nope." It can be messy. You might feel confused about why something so small turned you off so strongly. Or worse — guilty for suddenly pulling away from someone who, on paper, seemed like a good match.

If you've ever found yourself wondering in retrospect, "Why did I act like that?" or "Did I overreact?" This is your clue that the reaction may not entirely be about the other person.

This kind of inner conflict can signal that the ick isn't just about what they did — it's about what it stirred up in you. Often, it points to discomfort with emotional vulnerability. Maybe things were going well and it felt a little too real. Maybe the idea of being seen or cared for made you pull back, even if you didn't fully understand why.

Research explains how people with avoidant attachment styles deal with emotional information, especially when their attachment system is triggered. Using a task that measured how much emotional words (like "love" or "abandon") distracted them, the study found that avoidant individuals usually try to block out emotional content.

But when emotional closeness was triggered, they couldn't ignore it as easily. Their focus was found to be disrupted, even if they seemed calm on the surface. This shows that avoidant people do feel emotional impact, but they work hard to suppress or avoid it. Their reactions may not be obvious, but emotionally charged moments can affect them more than they let on.

This is important in connection with the ick. For someone with an avoidant attachment style, the ick might show up not because the other person did something wrong, but because emotional closeness has been triggered and that closeness feels uncomfortable.

Just like in the study, where they were thrown off by emotional cues even while trying to focus, people might subconsciously use the ick as a way to escape intimacy. It becomes a defense or an emotional exit in situations when vulnerability feels too real. What looks like a sudden turn-off could be a deeper, hidden reaction to a fear of closeness.

The guilt or second-guessing that follows is your subconscious telling you there's more beneath the surface. Instead of brushing it off, it might be worth asking:

• Was I protecting myself from something deeper?
• Did this trigger a fear of closeness or loss of control?
• Am I used to walking away before things get too vulnerable?

These questions can help you separate genuine incompatibility from a protective reflex. Recognizing this difference can be the key to understanding what's truly stopping you from forming genuine connections.

How To Pause Before You Push Away

The ick has become a cultural shorthand for writing people off. But before you dismiss someone too quickly, it's worth asking yourself — what's really going on underneath that reaction?

Sometimes, the ick can stem from unprocessed fears, like the fear of being seen too closely, of losing control, of being abandoned or of repeating pain from the past. These fears often live beneath the surface but quietly shape how we show up in relationships.

It's okay if reflecting on them feels uncomfortable. That discomfort might be trying to tell you something — not to shame you, but to invite you in.

Instead of brushing it off, try gently asking:

• What might this feeling be protecting me from?
• Does this remind me of a time I felt unsafe or unseen?

Even a small moment of awareness can begin to shift things. You don't need to have all the answers right away. Simply noticing is a powerful start. And if it ever feels like too much to untangle these feelings on your own, that's completely okay. Seeking support from a professional can help you unravel these patterns and discover healthier ways to respond and rewrite the narrative, so you can experience the kind of genuine connection you deserve.

Could a fear of intimacy be holding you back from genuine connections? Take this science-backed test to find out: Fear Of Intimacy Scale

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.