5 Habits That Are Unanimous Among The Happily Married
In every happy 'marriage story,' these five habits are present. Here's how to emulate them yourself.
By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | February 14, 2024
A new study published in Marriage and Family Review examined the stories that married couples commonly share in social settings. Based on interviews of 51 married individuals, researchers found that couples mostly revealed positive aspects of their marriages.
"When we tell stories, we want to reveal who we are as individuals or as a couple. Storytelling, in this case, is a means to impression management—the process of shaping others' perceptions about us. It makes sense that we share stories that paint us and our relationship in a positive light," explains co-author Amy Duchsherer of the Department of Communication, University of Mary in North Dakota.
Duchsherer and her co-authors suggest that the positive aspects of these stories hold wisdom for creating happier, more satisfying marital relationships.
Here are five positive facets of relationship functioning as revealed by couples in the study.
1. Sharing Positive Experiences
Researchers found that the predominant theme in participant narratives was having shared, positive and joyful experiences. In social settings, couples were more likely to talk about activities that brought them closer together.
"Positive experiences range from everyday interactions to larger life experiences such as going on a special vacation. The most important aspect of these experiences was the investment of time spent with their partner," says Duchsherer.
Research explained how shared experiences create feelings of self-expansion that improve marital quality. Sharing stories about these experiences with others further cements the marital bond. In the study, couples reported experiences of playing games, day-to-day activities like savoring shared meals, socializing with common friends or cherishing smaller personal exchanges and moments of connection with each other.
2. Learning From Each Other
Married couples also teach and learn from one another.
"The partner learning gains the benefit of the knowledge, but the partner teaching also gains a sense of pride from helping their spouse accomplish a new skill or becoming successful in some way," says Duchsherer.
Participants emphasized how sharing stories with others about achieving successful life outcomes or teaching partners something new builds connection and allows the other person to learn more about them, their personality, interests and perspectives on life.
3. Meeting Each Other's Emotional Needs
Research shows that meeting one another's emotional needs is fundamental to relationship satisfaction. These needs include feeling safe, happy and supported in challenging moments such as financial hardship or even everyday conflicts. Participants praised partners that were caring and considerate of their feelings regardless of the circumstances.
Additionally, researchers suggest that displaying intentionality and commitment to one's marriage vows, maintaining positive perceptions of one's partner, offering genuine compliments and engaging in positive communication and gestures of appreciation also contributes to mutual emotional fulfillment in the relationship.
4. Holding Shared Values
Researchers found that when couples share similar personal values and beliefs, such as religious beliefs, a shared sense of purpose, a shared vocation or values regarding work, marriage, parenting and so on, it contributes to a shared vision of life and deeper sense of mutual understanding that brings them closer.
5. Nurturing Individual Identity
The study also highlighted the importance of nurturing one's individual identity in a relationship rather than solely focusing on one's "couple identity." Researchers suggest that when individuals invest in their personal growth, such as by maintaining individual hobbies, having personal time with family and friends and retaining individual values that form the core of their being, their marriage also thrives.
Alongside personal fulfillment and well-being, individual identities also allow couples to continue learning new things about one another.
Duchsherer offers some guidance for those looking to improve their relationships:
"I would suggest that couples who want a strong relationship integrate these behaviors as a starting point. For example, you might try taking a class together which would be a shared experience and provide opportunities for you to teach your partner a new skill or learn from your partner. Working on skills like active listening and practicing empathy are all good first steps to developing healthy relationships."
Conclusion
While not all happy marriages look the same, they seem to share some key elements. Partnerships must be nurtured through shared experiences, mutual positive regard and commitment to one another. The stories we tell about our relationships also allow us to cherish moments of love, creating positive cycles of appreciation and satisfaction in marriages.
A full interview with Amy Duchsherer discussing her new research can be found here: New research reveals the value of "marital storytelling" in relationships. Test the strength of your marital bond by taking this assessment: Marital Satisfaction Scale
A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.