3 Ways To Use 'Self-Awareness' To Change Your Marriage For The Better

A lack of self-awareness spells trouble for a marriage. Here's how, as well as three ways to counter it.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | September 26, 2024

We all have found ourselves in the middle of an argument with our partner, wondering why the same issues keep coming up or why simple conversations turn into misunderstandings. Maybe you've caught yourself feeling defensive, projecting blame or avoiding difficult conversations altogether.

Over time, unresolved conflicts pile up, empathy fades and the distance between you and your partner grows. You might start to question, "Why am I not happy anymore? What am I missing?"

The answer often lies not in your partner but in yourself. When you struggle to truly understand your feelings, needs and behaviors, it becomes nearly impossible to communicate them effectively or empathize with your partner. This lack of self-awareness is the invisible barrier holding you back from the connection and fulfillment you seek in your marriage.

Dr. Tasha Eurich, an organizational psychologist, researcher and executive coach, writes in Harvard Business Review, "Even though most people believe they are self-aware, only 10%-15% of the people we studied actually fit the criteria." This means that even if you consider yourself self-aware, there's a good chance you may not be as self-aware as you think.

Here are three ways self-awareness provides the foundation for transforming your relationship and why you should consider actively cultivating it.

1. Personal Growth And Relationship Balance

Self-awareness is the ability to see oneself clearly, involving both internal and external perspectives. Internal self-awareness refers to recognizing one's own emotions, beliefs, values and goals. In contrast, external self-awareness involves understanding how others perceive us and our behavior.

It also encompasses self-insight, which is the recognition of our strengths and weaknesses, and self-identity, which reflects how we see ourselves in different roles. Together, these elements form a comprehensive understanding of who we are and how we interact with the world.

Self-awareness supports personal growth by enabling you to identify negative patterns in your relationships. It's easy to fall into unhelpful cycles, but when you practice self-reflection, you can recognize these behaviors and work to improve them.

When we fail to understand our own weaknesses and shortcomings in a relationship, our first instinct is often to shift blame onto our partner when things aren't going well. In contrast, self-awareness prompts us to look inward and ask, "what am I contributing to the issue?" and "is there something I can improve?" This internal reflection helps break the cycle of blame and opens the door for personal growth.

When individuals are self-aware, they are more likely to break these patterns and foster healthier, more balanced relationships. This also promotes mutual understanding as you become more attuned to your own and your partner's needs, helping create a balanced and fulfilling relationship for both parties.

2. Self-Awareness Promotes Authentic Communication

Self-awareness plays a critical role in enhancing communication by helping individuals express themselves clearly and prevent misunderstandings. By having a deep understanding of yourself, you're better equipped to set realistic expectations in your relationships.

For instance, if you know that feeling overwhelmed at work causes you to become irritable, you can express this to your partner by saying, "I tend to get stressed and irritable when work is hectic, so if I seem distant, it's not about us. I just need some space to decompress." This kind of self-awareness allows for open communication, helping your partner understand your emotions and respond with empathy.

A study published in Journal of Experimental Social Psychology found that self-awareness encourages transparency, which is critical to building trust. By being open about your feelings, you create a safe space for your partner to do the same.

When both partners put in the work, trust grows because each person knows, likes and trusts themselves. This creates space to genuine mutual appreciation without trying to mold one another into preconceived expectations.

3. Self-Awareness Enhances Empathy

Self-awareness enhances empathy by first helping you recognize your own emotions, which in turn makes it easier to understand what your partner is going through.

A 2017 study found that developing self-awareness, along with active listening—the practice of fully concentrating, understanding, responding and remembering what someone is saying—can help you become more empathetic. This increase in empathy can, in turn, improve your ability to connect with others and provide more compassionate care.

When we accept ourselves, we're more open to embracing others. The more we understand our own emotions and experiences, the more attuned we become to those of our partner, recognizing their triggers, biases and limitations.

Your own wounds become a source of healing for your partner, turning conflicts into opportunities for compassion, growth and mutual healing.

Self-awareness helps you take things less personally, step into your partner's shoes, acknowledge their perspective and find common ground, ultimately strengthening your relationship.

However, remember that self-awareness is only the first step towards transformation, it doesn't automatically lead to change—it requires self-control, desire and active effort to improve yourself and your relationships. While self-awareness can provide the map, the journey is yours to embark upon.

Think you're maximizing the power of self-awareness? Discover now with our Self-Awareness Outcomes Questionnaire. Take the test and unlock new insights about yourself.

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.