3 Ways To Develop An Emotionally Secure Relationship

Tired of feeling insecure in your relationships? Here's how to rebuild your attachment style.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | September 09, 2024

An "attachment style" refers to the way we form emotional bonds and connect with others, typically shaped by early experiences with our caregivers. These patterns then tend to influence all future relationships.

An "insecure attachment style" is characterized by struggling with emotional connection, a fear of rejection as well as a tendency to push others away to avoid vulnerability. In romantic relationships, these patterns may lead to cycles of neediness, withdrawal or erratic behavior, which can create instability and emotional distress.

In contrast, "securely attached" individuals are typically trusting, open to emotional closeness and able to communicate their needs and emotions effectively. They tend to have a positive view of themselves and their partners, and are comfortable with both giving and receiving love and support.

Fighting ingrained romantic patterns can feel like an uphill battle and often requires a steadfast commitment to self-reflection, consistent effort and the willingness to challenge deeply rooted beliefs about relationships.

A 2019 study published in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy interviewed participants with a history of attachment insecurity and found that those who had successfully developed a more secure attachment style tended to follow a similar path of taking charge of their own healing.

Here are three steps to creating a secure attachment with your partner, according to the study.

1. Being Intentional About Relationships

Participants developed a secure attachment by making a deliberate and conscious effort to change their relationship patterns and be mindful of their words and actions around others. They also mentioned having to overcome setbacks, such as falling back into their old patterns.

"I would test my friends...you see how much you can push them away before they just run away," one participant explains, describing a pattern she had to break.

This intentionality also meant addressing attachment issues head-on, learning from their mistakes and consistently making choices that aligned with their goals for healthier connections.

Another essential factor was the presence of "surrogate attachment figures"—people who modeled secure, healthy relationships rather than figures in their life who had done the opposite. Surrogates could be mentors, friends, spouses, therapists or even members of faith communities.

"I knew I wanted to do it differently. So, I sought out people that looked like they were doing well," one participant explains.

By observing and interacting with individuals who demonstrated healthy relational behaviors, participants were able to reimagine what secure attachment could look like in their own lives. These relationships provided a roadmap for positive change and reinforced the idea that secure connections are possible.

"Developing really good friendships that were reciprocal instead of one-sided showed me it wasn't all people that were [unsafe]. I had the ability to look at both [positive and negative relationships] and say, 'This one is better,'" another participant acknowledges.

2. Reshaping Your Self-Worth

"For positive change to last, internal changes at a cognitive, emotional and spiritual level had to take place," the researchers suggest.

For many participants, this process involved redefining their identity and worth as individuals. They described having to let go of a "victim mentality" they carried with them. Negative childhood experiences of trauma, abuse or parental neglect often led to an internalized belief that they were doomed to always feel like powerless victims.

"Several described a type of entitlement to act a certain way because of the circumstances they grew up in, so being humbled was key to developing strength and resilience consistent with a secure attachment style. When they intentionally owned their actions in relationships, their interactions with others improved," the researchers explain.

"I grew up with blamers...it was always someone else's fault, [and] I started to recognize that pattern in myself," one participant says, highlighting the essential role of self-reflection in her journey.

Redefining identity also involved challenging long-held self-doubts and reframing perceived weaknesses as strengths. Many participants described realizing that their negative self-perceptions were based on false beliefs. As they embraced a more positive sense of self, their self-worth improved and they were able to start approaching relationships from a place of security, rather than fear.

"Once I discovered I have value apart from everyone else...It's like I've decided my time and energy is valuable so I'm gonna spend it on people who also value me," another participant explains.

3. Actively Creating Healthier Relationships

Many participants had to make peace with their past and learn to trust in love again. This involved addressing unresolved issues with their parents or other early caregivers. Participants worked through the processes of forgiving them and moving past feelings of hurt, which allowed for healthier, more balanced relationships in the present.

"Participants were able to reframe their parents' problems as insecurities or identify negative family patterns in which their parents were stuck, resulting in not knowing how to be a secure figure," the researchers explain.

With a new understanding of their caregivers' limitations, they were able to view these relationships through a more compassionate lens. This shift also helped them realize that they had the power to create the life they wanted, rather than being defined by their upbringing.

Building secure relationships also involves "reaching outward" by gradually taking risks with building trust in new relationships. For many, this began with joining communities, engaging in shared experiences and allowing themselves to be vulnerable and supported by others. This requires patience and intentional effort to push past anxiety and open up to connection.

"Once I ...[realized] my mother couldn't trust others but even more so couldn't trust her own opinion, I told myself I didn't want that. So that awareness helped change it for me," one participant explains.

Creating a secure relationship may seem daunting, but each small step forward builds on the last, leading to significant positive change. By committing to this process, you lay the groundwork for lasting emotional security, transforming your relationships with others, while embracing deep care and respect for yourself.

Are you sabotaging your relationships as a result of relationship insecurity? Take this test to learn more: Relationship Sabotage Scale

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here, and on PsychologyToday.com, here.