3 Ways That 'Self-Care' Can Turn Into Toxic Positivity

Self-care is important, but it shouldn't stop you from being authentically you. Here's how to balance it.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | July 01, 2024

Self-care has become a buzzword in wellness culture and for good reason—it's essential for our mental, emotional and physical health. These practices can work wonders, but when chasing positivity turns into an obsession—it can lead to what researchers call "toxic positivity."

This happens when the pursuit of positivity becomes all-consuming, pushing us to focus on positive thinking while brushing off real emotions. In essence, toxic positivity invalidates negative experiences by promoting the idea that one should always maintain a sunny outlook, regardless of circumstances. Here are three specific examples of how self-care can slip into toxic positivity and end up doing more harm than good.

1. The Social Media Mantra—"Good Vibes Only"

While surrounding oneself with positivity can be uplifting, the insistence on "good vibes only" creates an environment where negative emotions are not just unwelcome but are seen as personal failings.

Denying stress and anxiety under the guise of self-care stops us from addressing the root causes of our discomfort. Instead of seeking support or implementing strategies to manage stress, relentless positivity acts as a barrier, ultimately exacerbating feelings of isolation and inadequacy. Psychologically, this can lead to increased stress, emotional burnout and a diminished capacity to cope with future challenges.

Strike a balance while practicing self-care. Make it more authentic by acknowledging feelings of stress and seeking constructive ways to manage them.

A study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that accepting emotions and thoughts without judgment—or habitual acceptance—can lead to better psychological health. This is because acceptance reduces negative emotional reactions to stress. Over three studies, habitual acceptance was linked to higher well-being, life satisfaction and lower symptoms of depression and anxiety.

Remember, true self-care encourages a balance of positive thinking and emotional honesty, allowing for a healthier, more resilient mindset, preparing you to deal with negativity in the future when "life happens."

2. Oppressive Optimism—"Everything Happens For A Reason"

Optimism is crucial when coping with negativity, but the belief that everything happens for a reason can invalidate genuine feelings of fear and uncertainty.

Imagine someone with a terminal illness—telling them to stay positive and that everything happens for a reason can really invalidate their very real fears of mortality and loss. Avoiding natural negative emotions under the guise of optimism can prevent them from fully processing their trauma and addressing real concerns about their health. This kind of toxic positivity can lead to emotional suppression, increased anxiety and a lack of genuine connection with others who might be going through similar struggles—people who could actually help them get through it.

Margo Lecompte-Van Poucke, the lead author of a study on toxic positivity, points out that overly positive language on social media might stop some people from accepting that diseases can be chronic and incurable, and that a diagnosis often comes with a lot of negative thoughts and ongoing physical and mental suffering.

Research also suggests people struggling with managing their emotions—especially accepting negative feelings and finding effective ways to control them—tend to have stronger negative emotional reactions when reminded of their traumatic experiences. These reactions are often tied to re-experiencing symptoms of PTSD, like vivid memories or flashbacks. Therefore, the way we handle our emotions affects how we respond when reminded of past traumas.

A more balanced and adaptive approach would mean reflecting on emotional nuances. Acknowledging fears and talking about them with a therapist or support group can provide the emotional validation that might be needed. Balancing optimism with realism allows for better preparation for the future while also managing present emotional states effectively. True self-care means making room for all emotions, positive and negative, and allowing them to coexist.

3. Affirmation Overload—"I Am Strong, I Can Handle Anything"

Positive affirmations can be empowering, but relying too heavily on them can backfire. Picture someone going through a tough divorce, constantly telling themselves, "I am strong" and "I can handle anything" to keep up their confidence and stay positive. While this might seem helpful, it might stop them from sharing their pain and struggles with loved ones, out of fear that admitting vulnerability will make them look weak or uncertain about their decision.

This reluctance to show vulnerability creates a facade of strength, hindering the need to seek support and expressing one's true emotions. This behavior, often called hyper-independence, makes people feel like they have to handle everything solo and never show a crack in their armor. This leads to a vicious cycle of bottling up emotions and feeling more and more isolated, all while trying to maintain that unshakeable "I've got this" image.

Research shows that bottling up negative emotions or expressing them outwardly affects our bodies' response to stress. Expressing emotions like anger or anxiety can temporarily spike blood pressure, but holding back those feelings can cause an even bigger impact with every new stressful situation, as highlighted by a 2014 study.

So, a better approach to self-care would involve recognizing and embracing your vulnerabilities, and seeking support from trusted friends, family or a therapist. Real strength comes from honestly confronting your feelings and asking for help when needed. Balancing affirmations with genuine self-reflection and open communication leads to a more authentic and supportive self-care practice.

Is your self-care practice informed by honest emotional self-reflection? Take the Emotional Quotient Inventory to know your capacity for emotional intelligence and transparency.

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.