3 Ways That Loving Yourself Allows You To Love To Others

We all know the saying, 'You can't love others until you love yourself.' Here's why it holds true, according to psychological research.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | July 01, 2024

In a society that often promotes self-criticism and comparison, cultivating self-love can be challenging, yet it is essential for mental and emotional health. Understanding self-love involves accepting oneself, in all of one's flaws and glory, and maintaining a positive self-image.

The significance of self-love transcends personal well-being. When you love yourself, you are less likely to accept mistreatment and more inclined to establish and uphold healthy boundaries. This equilibrium promotes respect, trust and genuine affection.

Here are three compelling reasons why you should prioritize self-love before extending it to others.

1. It Establishes A Strong Sense Of Identity

When you love yourself, you develop a clear and robust sense of who you are, which encompasses a deep understanding of your values, interests, strengths and weaknesses. This strong sense of identity is crucial for several reasons.

• Firstly, self-love enhances self-confidence by clarifying your self-worth. This inner assurance reduces the need for external validation, fostering a balanced and thriving relationship where both partners can flourish independently and together.
• Secondly, self-awareness enables you to establish and uphold healthy boundaries, facilitating respect and understanding within the relationship. Asserting boundaries ensures both partners feel valued and heard.
• Lastly, a strong sense of identity empowers you to make decisions that resonate with your genuine desires and values, free from external pressures or expectations. This authenticity not only strengthens the relationship but also ensures a partnership where growth and fulfillment are mutual goals.

To achieve a strong sense of identity:

• Explore personal interests. Dedicate time to hobbies and solo activities to discover what truly inspires and motivates you. Take trips by yourself to new places, for starters. Solo travel can be a powerful way to learn more about yourself, face challenges independently, and build confidence.
• Define your purpose. Draft a mission statement that encapsulates your core values and goals, serving as a compass for decisions and actions. Regularly update it to reflect personal growth and evolving self-understanding. According to a 2019 study published in Frontiers in Psychology, life crafting provides a structured approach to this journey. It involves reflecting on values, passions, competencies, social life, career aspirations and ideal future, while setting specific goals and making public commitments to personal growth and fulfillment.

2. It Promotes Emotional Stability

Loving yourself first ensures entering relationships from a place of emotional stability instead of seeking to fill a void within. This is advantageous in various ways.

• Firstly, self-love reduces insecurity, a common source of jealousy and fear of abandonment. When you are secure in yourself, you approach partnerships with confidence and trust, leading to harmony.
• Secondly, navigating life's challenges, including those within a relationship, is easier with a stable emotional base. This resilience helps you manage stress and adversity more effectively, supporting both you and your partner through life's trials and strengthening your unity.
• Thirdly, when you prioritize self-love and emotional well-being, you can engage in constructive and calm dialogue. This involves addressing issues directly and thoughtfully, rather than reacting emotionally. Effective communication resolves conflicts and prevents misunderstandings from worsening. In emotionally stable relationships, conversations tend to be productive and solutions-focused, deepening mutual understanding and connection.

3. It Balances Relationship Dynamics

Loving yourself first is a key in approaching relationships as an equal partner. This foundational self-love creates a dynamic where both partners can contribute equally, avoiding unhealthy patterns of dominance or submission that can lead to imbalance.

Moreover, self-love is intrinsically linked to self-respect, which in turn teaches your partner how exactly you feel respected. When you hold yourself in high regard and set clear standards for how you expect to be treated, you model the behavior you wish to receive. Therefore, by loving yourself, you naturally encourage a balanced dynamic in the relationship, where each person's contributions and needs are valued equally.

Loving yourself also means valuing independence, preventing codependency, and promoting a healthier relationship. Numerous studies indicate how women often become overly reliant on partners for validation, compromising personal responsibility and self-improvement.

Embracing independence lets partners maintain individuality while sharing life. Supporting each other's growth by allowing space creates a dynamic of freedom and respect, nurturing a balanced relationship where mutual aspirations flourish without losing individual identity.

Here are three tips to prepare for a relationship while you are cocooning:

• Practice mirror communication. Reflect back what your partner says to ensure understanding before responding. This technique encourages active listening and demonstrates respect for their perspective, deepening connection.
• Regular check-ins. Schedule periodic meetings to discuss relationship dynamics, boundaries and individual needs. This proactive approach ensures both partners have a voice in shaping the relationship's evolution, promoting mutual respect and equality.
• Celebrate differences. Embrace and celebrate each other's unique qualities and perspectives. Recognize that differences enrich the relationship and contribute to its strength. This mindset cultivates an environment where both partners feel valued and appreciated for who they are.

In essence, loving yourself first before entering a relationship is not just beneficial but essential before you can fully and healthily love someone else.

Does your relationship allow space for self-love? Take the Authenticity In Relationship Scale to learn more.

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here, and on PsychologyToday.com, here.