2 Ways That Narcissists Weaponize Their Empathy Against Their Targets

Narcissists will go to extreme lengths to manipulate their victims. Here's how they use one of the most gentle traits to cause irrevocable damage to others.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | June 26, 2024

If someone you know is attuned to your emotions but consistently turns every situation to focus on themselves, you may be dealing with an empathic narcissist. Though not a clinical term, an empathic (or empathetic) narcissist can sense another person's feelings and may use those emotions to create a sense of control over the situation.

At first glance, it might seem contradictory—how can a narcissist, often characterized by self-centeredness and a lack of empathy, also be empathetic? However, this duality can make empathetic narcissists particularly dangerous. It's not that narcissists lack empathy; they have low levels of empathy, particularly emotional empathy.

Maladaptive Empathy In Narcissists

Research suggests that empathy has three key components:

• Emotional sharing. This involves feeling what another person is feeling, such as feeling happy when a friend is happy.
• Taking perspective. This involves understanding another person's perspective or mental state, like understanding why a friend is upset even if you don't feel upset yourself.
• Compassion. This involves feeling concerned for someone and wanting to help them, such as feeling compelled to comfort a distressed friend.

These experiences often occur together, enabling a holistic, empathetic response that combines emotional resonance, cognitive understanding and a desire to help. However, narcissists don't experience empathy as most do.

According to a 2023 review published in Frontiers In Psychology, individuals with narcissism often have trouble feeling what others feel (emotional empathy). Still, they can understand what others are feeling (cognitive empathy). This means they might know someone is sad but won't feel sad themselves.

The presence of empathy itself does not dictate how it will be used. Whether it is used for positive or negative purposes depends on the individual's motivations and ethical framework. Empathy can enhance social bonds and facilitate cooperation, but in the hands of a narcissist, it can be dangerous and manipulated for personal gain. Here are two reasons why.

1. Manipulative Emotional Appeal To Gain Control

Narcissists are adept at social cognition and use moments of feigned empathy as currency, trading their perceived emotional support for favors, loyalty or other benefits. By pretending to grasp and share the target's feelings, they build trust (emotional empathy) and establish a sense of closeness. Once this bond is formed, narcissists manipulate their targets more easily.

For example, they might use personal information shared in vulnerable moments to guilt-trip or control their target later. This tactic allows the narcissist to maintain power while the target is left feeling confused and betrayed when their emotions are later used against them.

Narcissists exploit empathy for emotional manipulation to maintain control over others. When a narcissist begins a new relationship, they might shower their partner with constant compliments, lavish gifts and declarations of love. They understand what makes their partner feel special and use this knowledge to induce rapid emotional attachment. However, once the narcissist feels secure in the relationship, they withdraw this affection, manipulating their partner to depend entirely on their approval and support.

2. Feigning Victimhood

Narcissists may use a superficial display of empathy to portray themselves as the victim in situations where they are the aggressor. By doing so, they manipulate the perceptions of others, garnering sympathy and support while deflecting attention away from their own harmful behavior.

A 2020study published in the journal Borderline Personality Disorder and Emotion Dysregulation investigated the interpersonal characteristics of individuals with pathological narcissism from the perspective of their close relatives.

"He seems to think that he has been 'hard done by' because after all he does for everyone, they don't appreciate him as much as they should." said one such relative, "He will fabricate or twist things that are said so that he is either the hero or the victim in a situation."

This tactic shifts the focus onto the narcissist's needs and emotions, making it difficult for the true victim to receive validation and support.

The long-term effects of such manipulation and emotional abuse can be severe for the victim. After enduring such manipulation, the target may struggle with trust issues, low self-esteem and a fear of similar exploitation in future relationships.

Want to know if you have a streak of narcissism in you? Take the evidence-based Narcissism Scale to learn more.

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.