3 Ways A 'Shared Reality' Can Nourish Your Love Life
A shared perspective on the world around you can make an enormous difference in how happy couples feel in their relationship. Here's how.
By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | February 17, 2025
Commitment, communication, trust and honesty: these are the supposed cornerstones of a healthy relationship. Yet, even couples who have these qualities sometimes find themselves feeling disconnected.
You might love your partner deeply, but you still might feel as though you're not entirely understood. You might communicate frequently, but you could find that certain conversations still lead to tension. You may trust them wholeheartedly, yet feel like you're experiencing life in separate lanes.
There is, however, a simple way to bridge this gap—a key ingredient that makes life and love feel more fulfilling and harmonious. According to a December 2024 study from the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, a "shared reality" can make all the difference.
What Is A Shared Reality?
A shared reality is the sense that you and your partner experience and interpret the world in similar ways.
As opposed to simply agreeing on facts, a shared reality entails seeing the world through a similar lens—making similar conclusions, and having similar interpretations of life's events. When you truly share a reality with your partner, their thoughts and feelings reinforce your own and in turn, the world will feel more stable and meaningful to you both.
Consider, for instance, how you and your partner watch movies togethers. Do you both laugh at the same moments, feel tension at the same scenes and walk away with a similar understanding of the film's message? If so, that's a shared reality—you see, feel and understand things in the same way.
Now, imagine the opposite scenario—where one of you is deeply moved, while the other is unmoved or even annoyed by the film. This sense of not being on the same page can make you feel distant, as though you're not even watching the same film.
Naturally, this goes beyond entertainment; it extends into how we perceive major life events, social issues and everyday experiences. With differing political views, emotional quotients or ideas of right and wrong, couples may feel as though they're living in entirely different worlds. The same events may be occurring around them, but their wildly different interpretations of them can be difficult to reconcile.
In contrast, a couple who sees eye to eye on fundamental issues—such as how they define success, how they interpret a stressful situation or how they understand their cultural identities—will feel more far more closely connected. Even small things, like reacting the same way to a news story or recalling a shared memory in the same way, can instill a sense of unity.
This is what inspired M. Catalina Enestrom—lead author of the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology study. As she explains in an interview with PsyPost, "I've always believed that one of the core purposes of our relationships is to help us make sense of the world."
Ultimately, Enestrom's research was able to confirm this. Shared realities have tangible psychological and emotional benefits for individuals. In turn, these benefits can pave the way for stronger, healthier relationships. Here's how:
1. It Reduces Uncertainty
Enestrom's research found that even in highly uncertain and stressful situations—such as frontline healthcare workers dealing with the pandemic—those with a stronger shared reality with their partners experienced less uncertainty and more purpose in their work.
Nothing in life is predictable. During times of change or hardship—be it nationally, globally or just within your family unit—this uncertainty can take a toll. However, as Enestrom's research suggests, when couples align their perspectives, even stressors outside of your control become more manageable.
Consider a couple facing a career change—for instance, one partner getting a job in another city. Without a shared reality, one (or both of them) might immediately begin worrying for their future as a couple. With a shared reality, however, they're easily able to acknowledge each other's concerns and work together to construct a shared perspective on the move.
As such, these couples are more likely to view big changes as new adventures, rather than sacrifices or setbacks. In this way, sharing a mutual perspective during unpredictable times soothes the anxiety that comes with change.
2. It Strengthens Emotional Intimacy
When we think of intimacy, sex and affection are often first to come to mind, yet physical intimacy only accounts partially for the well-being of a relationship. In reality, emotional intimacy—that is, truly being and feeling understood, loved and respected—plays an equally integral role in a partnership. In this sense, consistently reaffirming a shared perspective is essential for relationship longevity.
For instance, in Enestrom's research, couples who expressed agreement, finished each other's sentences or validated each other's feelings during conversations reported higher levels of meaning in life.
While these may seem like mundane, everyday occurrences in a relationship, they hold an undeniable power. These little moments of synchrony affirm that partners truly understand one another—in the most profound sense of the word.
Contrastingly, when partners get the sense that they "just don't get" each other, emotional distance can grow. Even in a highly committed relationship, it can be a very lonely experience to see the world differently to the person who's meant to understand you most.
3. It Makes Life Feel More Meaningful
Perhaps the most compelling finding was that shared reality enhances an individual's sense of meaning in life. When partners validate each other's experiences and perspectives, they also reinforce each other's understanding of the world—through good times and bad. Over time, and with consistency, existence will feel more coherent and purposeful.
For example, Enestrom's research included a study of Black Americans and their experiences following George Floyd's murder. The results showed that when partners shared similar views on social issues—such as racial injustices, geopolitics or gender and sexuality—they felt a greater sense of certainty and meaning.
Even during challenging, upsetting or terrifying life experiences, these findings suggest that partners with a shared reality are better equipped to cope with them. Emotional and moral common ground offers couples the chance to navigate complex issues in a way that feels meaningful—while simultaneously supporting and relating with one another.
How To Create A Shared Reality With Your Partner
Even if you and your partner don't always naturally share the same perspective, you still can actively work on curating a shared reality together. Here are a few ways to start:
- Talk about real things. Superficial conversations won't build a shared reality. Instead of just discussing logistics—like "Did you pay the bill?" or "What do you want for dinner?"—hold space for deeper discussions. Ask each other: "What are you most worried about right now?"; "What do you think is the biggest challenge in our society today?"; "What's something you've been reflecting on lately?" Invite your partner into your thought processes, and be keen to learn about theirs.
- Use shared experiences as fodder for a shared reality. To truly share a reality, you need to experience it together first. There are various activities that can contribute to a developing common perspective, and they don't all have to be profound. Watching the same movies, reading the same books, attending the same events—so long as you're sharing an experience, you open the door to sharing a reality. Discuss your perspectives afterwards, and you may find more common ground than you'd think. Even small, everyday experiences—like interpretations of a TV show, a song or a TikTok—can be fodder for a shared reality.
- Validate each other. Remember that no two people can always see eye-to-eye. Even when you don't fully agree with your partner, the key is to show that you understand where they're coming from—or are trying to, at least. Avoid dismissing their feelings or opinions by responding with, "I don't see why that's a big deal." Instead, acknowledge the difference, and try to find its roots. A simple, "I hadn't thought about it that way. I get where you're coming from now," can do wonders. This reinforces to your partner that their thoughts and feelings have valid origins and importance; even if you don't share them, you recognize the meaning behind their existence.
Do you feel like you're living in a different world to your partner? Take this science-backed test, and find out if you need more of a shared reality: Loneliness In Intimate Relationships Scale
A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.