2 Reasons Why You Need To Stop 'Idealizing' Your Partner

Putting your partner on a pedestal isn't just harmful for them; it could potentially hurt you too. Here's why.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | February 14, 2025

Sometimes, you'll meet someone who seems to check all the boxes of your ideal partner—whether it's their kindness, emotional understanding or other qualities you've always hoped to find. It's quite easy to get swept up in this admiration, viewing them as special—almost flawless.

At first, this might feel like a dream come true. But over time, this deep admiration can slowly shift into something more extreme: idealization, where instead of recognizing them as a real, imperfect person, you might start putting them on a pedestal. When you do so, you might unknowingly create an imbalance in your relationship. In the process, you lose your sense of self—and your relationship begins to suffer.

It's important to remember that no one is perfect. And when you expect your partner to be, it puts a strain on your relationship. They may feel pressured to maintain an unrealistic image of perfection, while you may start feeling insecure, fearing that you'll never quite "measure up."

Instead of bringing you closer, over-idealization can create emotional distance and an unhealthy relationship dynamic.

Here are three ways idealization can negatively impact your relationship, according to research.

1. You End Up Ignoring Their Flaws

When you place your partner on a pedestal, it becomes easy to overlook or dismiss their imperfections. You might start viewing them solely through a lens of admiration, where everything they do seems right. This can lead to a tendency to excuse behaviors that you'd normally find problematic or troubling.

For example, if they're consistently late or do not communicate their feelings well, you might brush it off with thoughts like, "It's okay, they have a lot going on" or "I'll let it slide this time." You might even start to convince yourself that these flaws aren't important or that you're overreacting.

A classic study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that idealization—seeing only the best in your partner and overlooking their flaws—can initially help relationships thrive.

When partners idealize each other, they experience greater relationship satisfaction, more stability and fewer conflicts. By focusing on each other's virtues and ignoring faults, couples tend to feel more secure and confident in the relationship.

However, the study also suggests that idealization can be fragile. If one partner's flaws are completely ignored or compartmentalized, it can create areas of doubt. Over time, this can lead to disillusionment and dissatisfaction when reality sets in. But, if partners can accept each other's faults while still focusing on their strengths, their relationship may be more resilient and stable.

In essence, idealization can be helpful for relationship success if the way it's managed is healthy. Acknowledging imperfections in a balanced way determines how resilient the relationship will be.

2. You Sacrifice Your Own Needs

When you idealize your partner, it's easy to lose sight of your own wants and needs in the relationship. You might prioritize their desires and comfort over your own, thinking it's the ultimate way to show love and affection.

This might start with small things, like letting them pick the movie or always agreeing to plans, but over time, it can turn into a pattern where you consistently put your own needs on the back burner.

For example, if you value your personal time but notice your partner always wants to spend every free moment together, you might feel pressured to compromise your alone time to avoid disappointing them. Or, if you have certain boundaries or values that conflict with your partner's, you might bend or ignore them to avoid conflict or keep the peace.

Research published in the Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, shows that when people feel that their sacrifices are harmful to themselves, it leads to lower commitment to the relationship, poorer relationship functioning and higher levels of depression.

While it may seem loving, constantly sacrificing your own needs for your partner can leave you feeling unappreciated or even emotionally drained. Healthy relationships thrive when both partners' needs are respected. Consequently, idealizing your partner to the point of neglecting yourself can create resentment and harm your well-being.

3. You Avoid Disagreements To Maintain Peace

When you idealize your partner, it can be tempting to avoid conflicts or disagreements to keep the peace and maintain the idealized image you have of them and of your relationship. You might fear that voicing your concerns or differing opinions will shatter the perfect picture you've created or that it will upset them and lead to tension. As a result, you may suppress your feelings or ignore issues, hoping they'll resolve themselves with time.

In the short term, this may seem like an easy way to avoid discomfort. However, over time, avoiding disagreements can create a buildup of unaddressed issues. Small frustrations can escalate into bigger problems and the lack of honest communication can lead to misunderstandings, resentment and relationship dissatisfaction.

When you avoid speaking up, you're not giving your partner the opportunity to understand your perspective, and you're not allowing yourself to be fully seen or heard in the relationship.

Research published in Current Opinion in Psychology suggests that disagreement or direct opposition can be helpful when serious issues need addressing, especially if both partners can respond constructively.

On the other hand, a softer approach (affection and forgiveness) can help with minor issues, but might not be as effective for more serious problems. Couples need to adjust their communication based on the context.

It's also helpful to view conflict as a natural, healthy part of a relationship that can strengthen it if addressed with a collaborative and solution-oriented mindset.

Embracing Authenticity Over Idealization

When you place your partner on a pedestal, it's easy to overlook the importance of authenticity in your relationship. True connection comes from seeing each other fully—strengths, flaws and everything in between. Rather than idealizing them, embrace the beauty of imperfection and give yourself permission to express concerns, frustrations and desires.

The strength of a relationship does not lie in avoiding conflict, but in the honesty and vulnerability that allow both partners to grow together. Truly loving your partner means allowing them to fail, make mistakes and take accountability, rather than glossing over their flaws. In this way, you love them for who they truly are, not who you think they should be.

Shifting the focus from perfection to connection not only strengthens the bond but also encourages a healthier, more resilient partnership built on mutual respect and open communication. Embrace each moment as an opportunity to learn and grow together, as that is where true intimacy thrives.

Wondering whether your relationship is thriving? Take this science-backed test to find out: Relationship Flourishing Scale

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.