3 Signs That You're Unintentionally Holding Your Partner Back

You may do more harm than good when you try to act as our partner's life-vest. Here's how.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | January 20, 2025

In relationships, our love often drives us to go above and beyond for our partner. We want to protect them from hardship, ease their struggles and make their lives as comfortable as possible. But what if, in our efforts to help, we unknowingly hold them back?

Sometimes, being too involved or offering excessive assistance—despite having the best intentions—can inadvertently limit a partner's independence and hinder their personal growth. These subtle patterns may not be apparent right away, but over time, they can prevent your partner from truly thriving.

Here are three ways this might be happening and how you can create space for mutual growth and empowerment.

1. Being Their Problem Solver

When your partner faces a challenge, it's natural to want to swoop in with advice or take over entirely. You care deeply about their well-being and want to ease their struggles. However, while your intentions may be noble, consistently stepping in as their "fixer" can insinuate, albeit unintentionally, that you don't trust their ability to handle things on their own. Over time, this dynamic can create dependence, diminishing their confidence in managing life's hurdles.

For instance, if your partner is struggling with a work project, you might feel inclined to help organize their tasks or even draft emails on their behalf. While this may resolve the immediate issue, it robs them of the opportunity to grow through their own problem-solving process.

According to the Relationship Problem Solving (RePS) model, explored in a 2019 study published in Personality and Social Psychology Review, effective interpersonal behaviors should enhance a partner's motivation and self-efficacy. By overstepping, you hinder their growth.

The model further emphasizes that partners need space to progress through the stages of problem-solving independently, as excessive involvement can stall their development. By offering encouragement rather than solutions, you empower your partner to build resilience and align with the healthy dynamics outlined in the RePS model.

To shift this, instead of taking over, become a supportive sounding board. Encourage them to brainstorm solutions and express confidence in their abilities. Try phrases like, "I know you'll figure this out—what's your first instinct?" or "You've handled similar challenges before, what worked last time?" This approach fosters their independence while showing that you're there to support them if needed.

2. Setting Unintended tended Limits On Their Ambitions

Dreams and ambitions are deeply personal and as partners, our responses can significantly influence how safe someone feels in pursuing them. Even well-meaning expressions of doubt can discourage your partner from taking risks or exploring their passions.

For example, if your partner expresses interest in starting a side business or changing careers, a comment like, "Are you sure that's a good idea?" might make them second-guess themselves.

This often stems from us projecting our own fears or insecurities onto their aspirations. You may worry about financial instability or fear how their growth might change the relationship dynamic. While these concerns are valid, voicing them without balance can make your partner feel unsupported or constrained in their pursuit of personal growth.

A 2010 study published in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin highlights how a partner's reactions to aspirations can shape motivation and success. Doubtful or discouraging responses can stifle growth, while supportive behaviors build confidence, leading to thriving relationships and personal success. Nurturing and action-oriented support enhances self-improvement, while criticism and invalidation can hinder progress.

Rather than focusing on potential risks, highlight the possibilities. Encourage your partner with open-ended, supportive questions like:

• "What's the first step you'd take to get started?"
• "What would success in this look like for you?"

By becoming a champion of their growth, you not only support their ambitions but also strengthen your bond as a team that believes in one another.

3. Being Overly Involved In Their Decisions

Collaborating on decisions is essential in a relationship, but there's a fine line between being involved and becoming the decision-maker for your partner. When you find yourself weighing in on everything—from their wardrobe choices to how they should handle a conflict with a friend—it can undermine their sense of autonomy. Over time, they may start to rely on your input, even for minor decisions, leaving them unsure of their own judgment.

For example, if your partner is considering a new hobby and asks for your opinion, a response like, "You should definitely do yoga instead of painting—it's more practical," could steer them toward your preferences rather than respecting their desires. While well-meaning, this type of involvement chips away at their ability to make decisions independently, which can impact the relationship in the long run.

The loss of autonomy can significantly affect the way both partners navigate the relationship. Research highlights how one partner's autonomy can positively influence the overall dynamics of the relationship, emphasizing the importance of mutual independence and self-directed motivations for lasting connection and fulfillment.

For instance, a 2005 study published in Journal of Personality and Social Psychology revealed that autonomy, both as an individual trait and within the dynamic of a partnership, is essential for healthy conflict resolution and relationship satisfaction. Partners who maintain greater autonomy tend to approach disagreements with less defensiveness and more understanding, leading to healthier resolutions and greater satisfaction post-conflict.

To shift the dynamic from imposing to inclusive, it's important to encourage your partner to trust their instincts and make decisions independently. Instead of offering unsolicited advice, try taking a step back and saying things like:

• "What feels right to you?"
• "I trust you to choose what's best for you."

This approach demonstrates respect for their autonomy and helps build their confidence in making choices that align with their values and desires.

Noticing and fixing these small ways you might hold your partner back can change your relationship for the better.

If you often find yourself torn between stepping in or giving space, take the Intuitive Decision Style Scale test to help guide your decision.

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.