2 'Marriage Lessons' That Every Couple Has To Learn

Marriage is beautiful, but it isn't without its rough patches. Here's what these bumps in the road force couples to learn.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | January 20, 2025

We often romanticize marriage as a magical union—something shared between two people who are perfectly compatible. Yet, anyone who has been married for a while will tell you the truth: marriage is anything but effortless. Unfortunately, however, many people only come to understand this reality the hard way, well after experiencing bumps in the road.

Here are two of the most important lessons that marriage teaches us and why they're often only learned the hard way.

Lesson 1: Nobody Is Born A Good Partner

It's comforting to think that some people are naturally "good" at relationships—as if being a perfect spouse is a talent some are born with. This is a dangerous myth. The truth is, nobody comes into a marriage fully equipped with all the skills needed to effectively develop and navigate a lifelong partnership. Good partners are made, not born.

Being a good partner, in many ways, requires both hard and soft skills—like communication, empathy, time management, decision-making and emotional intelligence. Just as we know in the workplace, these aren't innate traits; we have to learn them through experience, practice and often, failure. Together, these skills are known as "romantic competence," according to a 2017 study from Personal Relationships.

Take, for instance, effective communication. For most people, this isn't something that comes naturally. In fact, so many couples struggle with expressing their needs or resolving conflicts without becoming defensive or reactive. Learning how to communicate well takes time and effort, and mistakes are bound to happen along the way.

Above this, marriage requires us to confront parts of ourselves that we may not even be aware of—our emotional triggers, fears and unhelpful patterns of behavior. Perhaps you grew up in a family where emotions were rarely expressed, so you never really learned how to open up to your partner. Or maybe you have the tendency to avoid conflict at all costs, even when it means suppressing your own needs.

These habits don't just disappear the day you say, "I do." In reality, we need to actively put in the work necessary to address these blind spots; we have to become good partners.

That said, nobody is doomed to be a bad partner for life. With healthy doses of intentionality, effort and eagerness to learn, anyone can grow into the role of a "romantically competent" partner. The key is to approach your marriage with the outlook that, no matter how good things may seem, there will always be room for improvement.

Lesson 2: What You Put In Is What You Get Out

Marriage is not a passive experience; you can't just coast through it and expect things to work out in your favor. Instead, the quality of your relationship is a direct reflection of the effort you and your partner put into it, as research from the Journal of Family Psychology suggests. "What you put in is what you get out" may sound like a cliché, but it's perhaps one of the truest statements about marriage.

Effort manifests in many different ways: being present, always showing appreciation, actively fitting quality time together into your schedules and, most importantly, choosing to work through challenges instead of avoiding them.

When both partners invest in the relationship—equally and reciprocally—their efforts won't necessarily feel taxing; it becomes a norm. However, when effort is one-sided or inconsistent, love and balance will quickly morph into resentment and discord.

Consider intimacy, for example. It's easy to forget to make time for physical and emotional intimacy when life gets hectic, busy or monotonous. But, like many aspects of marriage, intimacy doesn't sustain itself—it requires regular watering.

Similarly, conflict resolution is another area where effort pays dividends. Avoiding difficult conversations may seem like your best option in the moment, as it offers more comfort and less tension. In reality, this is just the path of least resistance; unresolved issues will ferment, only to erupt later on.

Only spouses that see the true value of their marriage recognize the necessity of doing the hard work needed to survive the challenges that naturally come with it. The amount of energy they pour into it determines what they get out of it. They know that a marriage that feels fulfilling, supportive and joyful isn't a chance encounter; they know it's something you have to study, practice and strive for.

How These Lessons Intersect

You may have already noticed how widely these two lessons intersect. If nobody is born a good partner, then it stands to reason that becoming one requires effort. In fact, the effort you put into your marriage is often what helps you grow into a better partner.

For instance, learning to communicate effectively doesn't happen overnight. It's a skill that improves as you practice, listen and adapt. The more you invest in understanding your partner's needs and perspective, the more skilled you become at managing conflict and advancing together thereafter. In this way, and in many others, the process of putting in effort directly correlates to your growth as a spouse.

On the other hand, failing to invest effort in the relationship can stifle your development as a partner—as well as the relationship itself. If you neglect your marriage, you miss out on the many opportunities it offers you to learn and grow. Over time, you'll find yourself at an impasse—the less effort you put in, the more disconnected you feel, and the harder it becomes to repair the damage.

The interconnectedness of these lessons come together to teach us perhaps the most important thing of all: good marriages aren't happy accidents. Rather, they're fruits of hard labor.

Why These Lessons Are Most Often Learned The Hard Way

Despite their importance, most people don't grasp these lessons until they've faced challenges in their marriages—or until small problems come to a much bigger head.

This is likely due to the many ways that society romanticizes marriage. Fairy tales, rom-coms and love songs often inundate us with the idea that true love is effortless, as 2014 research from Psychology of Women Quarterly explains. This sets up largely unrealistic expectations, and it leaves couples unprepared for the reality that marriage takes work.

Moreover, self-awareness—a necessity in marriage—is something that takes time to develop, and may only come to maturity once it's too late. Many people enter marriage without fully understanding themselves, nor disclosing their true feelings, thoughts or nature, according to research from the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.

We advertise our strengths instead of our weaknesses, and focus on our good habits instead of the bad. It's only through conflict or dissatisfaction that we start recognizing our own shortcomings, as well as the impact these can have on a marriage. This process of self-discovery is painful, but it's certainly necessary.

Notably, effort may not always be apparent in the beginning of marriage. During the early stages, relationship maintenance may feel effortless because of the excitement and novelty of new love. It's only later—when the honeymoon phase fades, and when life's many demands start to compound—that couples realize how much it costs to sustain healthy love. In this way, marriage is one of life's greatest teachers, but its lessons aren't always easy.

Does your marriage need some extra elbow grease? Take this science-backed test to find out: Marital Satisfaction Scale

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.