3 Reasons Why You're Stuck In A 'Relationship Gridlock'

Not sure how to move forward in your relationship? Here's three lies that could be keeping you stuck.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | April 21, 2025

Have you ever been stuck in traffic where no one moves, there's constant horns blaring, tempers rising and you just sit there, inching forward only to get blocked again? That's gridlock. Essentially, when everyone's trying to move ahead, but they're so entangled that no one can.

Now imagine that in your relationship — a situation where you're both trying and equally seem to care about each other. But somehow, you keep hitting the same wall — looping through the same fight, dodging the same landmines and circling back to the same silence. It feels like no matter what you say or do, nothing changes. This is what a "relationship gridlock" looks like.

It's when couples get stuck in recurring conflicts that are often rooted in deeply held values, unmet emotional needs or unspoken dreams. These aren't surface-level disagreements. They're core-level clashes that feel immovable. Over time, they don't just cause friction but also create emotional distance and gradual shutdown.

What keeps couples stuck in gridlock is not always the issue itself. Sometimes, it's the story you start telling yourself about why things aren't working. The lies you absorb about love, about each other and about what "should" be happening could be keeping you more trapped than the actual conflict ever could.

Here are three lies keeping you stuck in relationship gridlock.

1. 'We Just Don't Communicate Enough'

In a relationship stuck in gridlock, it often feels like the issue is a lack of communication. You might find yourselves arguing more with your partner or perhaps barely speaking at all. Conversations may spiral into frustration, leading to the belief that you need to "talk more."

However, the reality is that you are communicating constantly but perhaps not in ways that elicit closeness. Often, what's being expressed is frustration rather than underlying needs or feelings. This can manifest as blame, sarcasm, eye rolls or silence, which are all forms of communication that may send unintended messages.

When emotional safety is lacking, even routine conversations can feel charged. Words can easily transition into becoming tools for defense rather than connection.

A 2021 study highlights that it's not just about how much you talk to a partner, but rather about how you talk. Researchers found that when couples experience less negative communication than usual, they tend to feel more satisfied in their relationship at that moment.

Positive communication (like compliments, warmth or active listening) did not show strong links with satisfaction within couples over time. This doesn't mean positive communication is unimportant, but it suggests that reducing negativity often matters more than adding positivity in moments of strain.

It's common for blame, frustration and sarcasm to become the norm in relationships stuck in gridlock. Over time, arguments can start to feel less like discussions and more like battles to win — serving the ego rather than fostering understanding.

In these moments, the focus shifts from resolving the issue to satisfying personal pride or proving a point. To remedy this, rather than aiming to be more "positive," try focusing on reducing defensiveness and judgment. Practice reflecting back your partner's feelings, even if you don't agree, to create a safer space for emotional exchange

Prioritizing empathy and creating a space where both partners feel genuinely heard can help you break free from this cycle. This shift allows for a deeper connection and moves the relationship dynamic from conflict to collaboration.

2. 'They Should Just Know What I Need'

After being with someone for a while, it's easy to assume that they should just know your needs without having to be told. You might believe that after all this time spent together, they should be able to read your mind and understand you intuitively.

In reality, this expectation often leads to frustration. You're holding back your needs, assuming that your partner should understand them without explicit communication. This silent expectation can quietly build resentment over time, as your partner may not even be aware of what you're truly feeling or needing.

Research published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology emphasizes that intimacy is built on self-disclosure and partner responsiveness. When you expect your partner to "just know" your needs, you are essentially withholding self-disclosure, which is the very foundation of intimacy.

Researchers suggest that sharing your emotions and needs, also known as emotional self-disclosure, plays a vital role in building intimacy. When these needs are not communicated, it can lead to misunderstandings and emotional distance between partners.

Healthy relationships are not built on assumptions, but grounded in clear and honest communication. No matter how long you've been together, it's essential to express your needs directly.

Next time you find yourself feeling let down or misunderstood, pause and ask yourself, "Did I clearly express what I needed?" Then, instead of hinting or withdrawing, use simple, direct language like "I feel overwhelmed, and I'd really appreciate some help right now." It may feel vulnerable, but it invites your partner into your world, rather than leaving them guessing from the outside.

Over time, this practice helps reduce conflict and rebuild trust. When both partners feel safe enough to voice their needs and be truly heard, communication shifts from stuck patterns to meaningful connection. That's where real intimacy begins to grow again, making room for forward movement instead of circling the same unresolved issues.

3. 'They're Never Going To Change'

When you've been with someone for a long time, it's natural to build a mental map of who they are — their patterns, preferences, quirks and perceived flaws. This version of them becomes familiar and predictable, shaped by shared history and emotional memory.

But over time, this familiarity can turn rigid. You begin reacting not just to what they're doing now but to what you expect them to do based on past experiences. Even if they begin to make slight shifts like trying to listen more, respond differently or show up in new ways, those changes still might go unnoticed because they may not fit the version of them that's already living in your head.

This mental filter can make it hard to see progress in real time. It also increases the likelihood of interpreting neutral or even positive actions through a skeptical or dismissive lens. For instance, you might find yourself thinking, "They're only doing this because I said something," or "They'll go back to how they were." In effect, your perception becomes stuck, even if your partner is slowly evolving.

This also brings another issue to the surface. When the relationship feels stuck, the spotlight often turns entirely to your partner — what they need to change or how they need to grow. But this focus can become so consuming that it's easy to overlook your own role in the dynamic.

The key here is balance. While it's important to recognize and encourage your partner's growth, it's equally vital to reflect on your behaviors and how you can contribute to a healthier, evolving relationship.

Rather than expecting change to solely come from them, consider: "What habits, reactions or expectations do I hold on to that may be keeping the relationship stuck in a loop?" Sometimes, by shifting your patterns, whether it's becoming more patient, acknowledging their efforts or altering your communication style, you can break the cycle and make room for mutual transformation. Relationships flourish when both people are willing to evolve, not just the other person.

The key to breaking free from relationship gridlock is embracing the idea that growth isn't a one-sided effort. Instead of waiting for your partner to evolve, start by asking yourself, "How can I show up differently? How can I contribute to breaking the cycle?"

Relationships thrive when both people are willing to step out of old patterns and co-create a dynamic that's built on fresh perspectives and continuous evolution. Change begins with you, and by owning your part, you invite your partner to do the same — unlocking the potential for a stronger, more adaptive connection.

Take this science-backed test to assess how understood and supported you feel in your relationship: Perceived Responsiveness Scale

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.