5 'Bad Habits In Disguise' That Can Harm Your Marriage
Even with good intentions, these five habits can slowly chip away at a marriage. Here's how.
By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | April 21, 2025
Some relational habits appear healthy on the surface. They align with widely accepted ideas about being a "good partner" — maintaining open communication, staying positive, being reliable. Yet, even well-intentioned behaviors can sometimes create emotional distance within a relationship.
Sometimes couples find themselves feeling disconnected or misunderstood despite putting effort into their relationship. Often, the issue isn't a major conflict but rather a subtle dynamic in which a seemingly helpful habit becomes counterproductive — particularly when it's applied rigidly, inconsistently or without mutual attunement.
Here are five such habits that, while often praised, may inadvertently harm relational connection, and what you can try instead.
1. Talking It Out — Too Soon
Many individuals adopt the belief that effective communication involves addressing interpersonal issues as soon as they arise. While the motivation to avoid emotional suppression or passive aggression is valid, initiating a conflict discussion while one or both partners are emotionally dysregulated may be counterproductive.
When the nervous system is in a state of heightened arousal — for instance, when one is feeling angry, anxious or overwhelmed — the brain's capacity for empathy, clear thinking and impulse control becomes significantly compromised.
Research supports this, showing that individuals who are prone to emotion-driven impulsivity have even greater difficulty managing their responses during moments of high arousal. In these states, the ability to pause, reflect or respond thoughtfully is often diminished, making it more likely that conversations will escalate rather than lead to resolution.
A more constructive alternative involves intentional pausing. Agreeing to revisit the conversation after a short period allows both partners to engage in self-regulation strategies (e.g., deep breathing, grounding or reflective journaling). This enhances the likelihood that subsequent communication will be guided by emotional attunement rather than defensive reactivity.
2. Doing Everything Together
A strong couple identity and shared rituals can be protective factors for relational longevity. However, when closeness evolves into excessive interdependence or enmeshment, each partner's individuality may be compromised.
Over time, the absence of psychological and physical space can limit opportunities for novelty, personal growth and self-reflection — all of which are critical for sustaining desire and vitality in long-term partnerships.
Emerging research supports this view, revealing that the fulfillment of belongingness needs predicts greater relationship maintenance behaviors — but only when accompanied by a strong sense of autonomy.
In other words, individuals are more likely to respond constructively in moments of relational tension when they feel both connected to their partner and free to be themselves. Without this balance, closeness alone may feel stifling rather than supportive.
Healthy relationships benefit from a dynamic interplay between intimacy and individuality. Encouraging each other to pursue independent interests, maintain separate friendships or engage in solitary reflection can reinforce mutual respect and emotional spaciousness. As paradoxical as it may seem, temporary distance not only protects a sense of self but deepens long-term intimacy.
3. Making It All About The Kids
When you become parents, your time, energy and focus naturally shift toward your children. While that's a beautiful thing, if everything becomes about the kids — every conversation, every outing, every decision — the "couple" aspect of your relationship starts to fade into the background.
Over time, you may start to feel like co-parents or roommates more than romantic partners. You get stuck in task mode. You forget how to flirt, be affectionate or to talk about anything that isn't logistics. And then, when the kids finally go to bed, the exhaustion wins and connection loses.
Relational research underscores that maintaining a strong, supportive bond between partners serves not only the couple but also the psychological well-being of their children.
Findings from a 2014 study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family show that greater couple supportiveness is associated with fewer behavioral problems in children over time, and that this connection may be bidirectional — children also influence how parents relate to one another. In other words, when couples invest in their emotional connection, they foster a family environment that supports everyone's well-being.
Couples can protect their partnership by intentionally carving out time for shared experiences that are non-parental in nature — whether through date rituals, shared hobbies or daily check-ins that center the adult relationship.
4. Being 'Low Maintenance'
Some individuals consciously minimize their emotional needs or preferences in an effort to be perceived as easygoing or non-demanding. While this may reduce immediate interpersonal friction, it can gradually erode relational balance and lead to feelings of emotional invisibility. Over time, a consistent pattern of self-silencing may train the partner to overlook — rather than attune to — emotional cues, creating a dynamic of disengagement.
A 2014 study published in Motivation and Emotion highlights a crucial distinction between unmet needs and actively thwarted needs in relationships. While low need satisfaction can impact well-being, "need thwarting" — the experience of having one's psychological needs ignored, invalidated or obstructed — is more strongly associated with relational distress. Consequently, minimizing or dismissing one's own needs may not only reduce closeness, but may create the felt sense that one's inner world has no place in the relationship at all.
In contrast, securely attached relationships thrive on mutual responsiveness. Practicing assertive communication — expressing needs clearly, calmly and respectfully — not only prevents the buildup of resentment, but also reinforces the relational norm that both partners' experiences matter. Even small requests (e.g., a need for affection, time together or emotional check-ins) can serve as micro-moments of connection that restore reciprocity and emotional visibility.
5. Staying Endlessly Positive
Optimism and emotional resilience are important strengths, but when positivity is used to bypass or suppress difficult emotions, it can undermine emotional intimacy. Recent research published in the Journal of Positive Psychology shows that placing a high value on happiness — especially when it leads to the devaluation of negative emotions — is associated with lower well-being. In contrast, individuals who prioritize everyday positive experiences without rejecting discomfort tend to fare better emotionally.
In relationships, this dynamic plays out as toxic positivity — the tendency to dismiss or minimize distress in favor of maintaining an upbeat tone. Though often well-intentioned, statements like "Let's not dwell on it" or "It could be worse," can send the message that certain emotions are unwelcome, making it harder for partners to feel safe in their full emotional expression.
Secure connections thrive in environments where all emotions — not just pleasant ones — are acknowledged with care. Often, you don't need to have solutions and you don't need to cheer your partner up — you just need to stay with them in the moment. Try saying, "I can see this is hard. I'm here." Empathy creates emotional safety, and emotional safety is what makes love sustainable.
Good habits matter, but only if they still work for your relationship. The most connected couples aren't just doing the "right" things — they're regularly asking, "Is this still serving us both?"
Check in with where things really stand in your marriage using the science-backed Marital Satisfaction Scale
A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.