3 Common Mistakes We Make When Choosing Gifts For A Partner

If you want to give your partner something that they'll truly appreciate, consider these three common mistakes people make in gifting.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | October 24, 2024

Have you ever been thrilled to get your partner a gift, only to feel a little deflated when their reaction isn't as enthusiastic as you expected? As loving partners, we want to make each other feel special, and gifts are usually a great way to do that.

There's something magical about the process—the excitement of choosing the perfect present, the suspense of keeping it a secret and the anticipation of seeing their eyes light up. But sometimes, despite our best intentions, the gift falls flat, leaving us wondering where we went wrong. The truth is, even thoughtful gifts can miss the mark if we misjudge what will truly make our partners happy.

Here are three common gifting errors we make in relationships and how to start gifting better, according to research.

1. Getting Them What You Think They'll Like

One of the most common mistakes is choosing a gift based on what you think your partner will like—especially if that gift reflects your own personality more than theirs.

While we may know our partners well, we can become biased and gift them something we love, thinking they'll feel the same way about it. However, research shows that people prefer receiving gifts that reflect their own interests and passions.

According to a 2019 study published in the Journal of Business Research, people tend to appreciate gifts that align with their own self-image. This concept, known as "gift-recipient image congruence," highlights how crucial it is to find presents that match your partner's sense of self, rather than your own.

"Self-verification theory explains that people behave as they do because they care about their self-image. People want to be known and understood by others in accordance with their own image, beliefs and feelings about themselves," the researchers explain.

So, focus on your partner's likes, not what you think is best for them or what you personally enjoy. If your partner loves reading, a book by their favorite author will go further than a gift that aligns with your own hobbies.

2. Prioritizing Optics Over Value

A 2016 study published in Current Directions in Psychological Science found that another common gifting error we make is in evaluating the quality of a gift. Many believe that the more impressive the gift, the better. However, what dazzles at the moment of exchange doesn't always hold value over time.

"Givers often try to ensure that their gifts meet certain criteria that will make them seem like 'good gifts'; these criteria may or may not be valued by recipients," the researchers write, suggesting that givers and recipients often view the "value" of a gift very differently.

Givers tend to focus on how good the gift will seem when it's opened, and how surprising or delightful it will be. Recipients, on the other hand, care more about how useful or enjoyable the gift is in the long run.

This discrepancy can lead to well-meaning but poorly chosen gifts. For instance, a flashy gadget may seem like a perfect present in the moment, but if your partner doesn't find it practical or useful, they may feel disappointed over time. Similarly, giving gifts that are highly desirable but not feasible, like a designer item they'll rarely use, may not be as appreciated as something simpler but more functional.

To avoid this, consider what your partner values in their day-to-day life. Opt for a gift that may not be as immediately thrilling but will hold significance or utility long after it's unwrapped.

3. Always Choosing Tangible Gifts Over Experiences

Another common mistake is thinking that the best gifts are physical items. Givers tend to opt for material gifts because they are tangible and easy to present, like a piece of jewelry. However, a 2016 study found that experiential gifts—such as tickets to a concert, a weekend getaway or even a special dinner out—often bring more happiness and strengthen relationships more than material gifts do.

Whether the experience is shared with the gift giver or consumed alone, experiential gifts tend to create lasting memories and deeper connections due to the intensity of emotions that recipients feel when they consume the gift.

Givers may avoid these types of gifts because they seem less likely to impress at the moment of exchange. After all, you can't really "open" a weekend getaway like you can unwrap a new watch. But despite this, the long-term emotional benefits of experiential gifts far outweigh the short-term appeal of material ones.

The next time you're choosing a gift, consider what kind of experience would create joy, excitement and fond memories for your partner. Whether it's a spa day, a cooking class or an adventurous trip, experiences have the power to deepen your bond and create lasting happiness.

In relationships, giving the perfect gift isn't about spending the most money or finding the flashiest item. It's about knowing your partner well and choosing something that aligns with their personality, values and needs. By gifting smarter and focusing on your partner, you can make sure your next present leaves a lasting impression—and strengthens your relationship in the process.

Is your relationship suffering from a gift-giving mismatch? Take the science-backed Relationship Satisfaction Scale to see how you stack up.

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.